About an Annie

Ode to odes

2012-02-02T00:47:00.000-05:00

There once was a girl name Annie. She carried a song in her heart, a light in her smile, and an ocean of experiences behind her big blue eyes.

There once was a boy named Jason. He never wanted anything but the best for Annie. He finds myself driving down the road listening to her playing and singing on her ukulele, remembering trips and dinners and time together, close, friendly and her full of life.

There once was a dog named Abominable. He was viscous and terrible, a known killer, but his heart fell for Annie. Every time he saw her his tail waged, his mouth panted and he nearly wet himself in excitement.

One thing from this remains true. Annie never really knew how much she truly meant to people and how she impacted their life, how truly special she was. But in that, no matter how much the boy loved the girl, no matter how much he thought of her, learned about her or wanted to help her...he could never respond with such an honest reaction as an uncontrollable wagging butt and a growing wet-spot on his pants....for if he did....he'd be considered an incontinent freak, and it wouldn't be sexy...not in the least.

So I end this ode with a song and a dance...and ask that if I ever leave suddenly, please don't look at my pants...

Fight the Urge

2012-01-06T01:22:00.001-05:00

Given your re-connection with Kelly, the depression you've been feeling and the likely sense of emotional upheaval with things changing between us....fight the urge to medicate or hide behind the feel-good meds that you could be hooked up now. This is the kind of perfect storm that leads people down a road that they never wanted to go down or would never dream they'd end up on. You're right when you said earlier that I wouldn't approve....I worry about you and I'm worried that in trying to mask pain or to fight off the blahs and depression of life, you could end up hurt, addicted and soon out of control. The temporary relief it brings you know doesn't last and you've seen its effects in the lives of your friends. Don't become a statistic, don't make things harder for yourself...right the urge for the quick fix...find a way...

Just One Word

2011-12-28T18:29:00.001-05:00

Note: If this looks funky it's because I'm trying out the feature
where I can post from my email, so let's see how it works...

You know I love detail, how I like to know as much as possible, really
get into it and try to understand everything, but for this I'm just
looking for a simple "yes" or "no", if it's 'yes' I don't need to know
what or any further details, if 'no' I don't need an explanation. I'm
just curious as to what the answer is.

Q: Up until this moment, have you done, or are you planning on doing
anything, for Christmas as it pertains to me?

iPad Approximation....

2011-12-22T01:53:00.001-05:00

There's an entry that I wrote tonight that I'm not ready to post yet, so this one gets a jump in the queue.

In that post I took a brief detour from the main topic (topic"s" really) and I ended up running a few numbers on my spending. Ok, the numbers were really simple...just log into my credit card account, then remember a few odds and ends (like the nails, which I paid cash for). In the end I came up with roughly $412 I've spent in about the last 4 weeks on things for you/us. Granted, that is a little high b/c of Christmas, but it does illustrate a point. You kind of joked to me...I feel guilty you spending so much on a single gift....but then added...maybe over a month, but not for one thing. -- You might have said it jokingly, you might have been serious....either way, this past month you weren't far from that being a true statement.

After looking at that something came to mind....so I have a proposal for you...take it or leave it. -- It's essentially an exercise in money management. I've done similar things as this for myself over the years when I wanted something, and I did something like this for an ex-g/f once as well to help her buy a heat-pump so she could get rid of window air-conditioners. -- The concept is simple...any money that I don't spend on you/us, I can put towards an iPad. For instance...if we go out to eat at a Thai place and you get water instead of a Thai Coffee, that's what, $3 towards the iPad? Go to Wendys instead of Vietnamese and that's likely a $10 savings, eat in and the whole amount is saved (usually $20+ when we go out...our Red Robin trip, for instance, was a $36 w/ tip). The idea is to make conscious changes to spending habits, then save the money you would have spent...so it's just redistribution of the money you have. It's amazing how little changes add up quickly. As I alluded to before, this is why I started packing my lunch years ago (saving $3-5 a day at Wendy's for lunch let me buy my first CD burner...I just made sure I saved that money first before actually buying it).

What I've always liked about this is, and why I've done this same thing several times in my own life, is that it gives me freedom to choose, it's not a rigid system. If I decided I wanted to go out w/ the guys one day, I could do that, I just didn't bank any money that day. If I decided...I don't want water, I want a soda...I was free to get it. I'd still be free to do things for you, to help you out, we could still do anything we wanted at any time....it's not like a diet or an allergy where you're saying "I can't have this"...but we can also choose to abstain, or to scale back. If we don't, it's no big deal, there's no rule that says we have to do any of these cost-saving things...all it means is that it takes longer to reach the goal when we don't. If you watch the numbers it also lets you see how little things (like a drink choice) can have a big impact and that knowledge can extend into new behaviors well after the goal is reached.

Going back over the previous months credit card bills, we're rarely under $200 in a month (and I suspect those are months we don't see each other often), so there's some definite room to work with for savings. -- My hope is 2 fold 1) It gives a little object lesson in being aware of cost, what's being spent, money management (insert check-mark in the fatherly lesson book) 2) Maybe you won't feel guilty if I do get you an iPad b/c you can look at it and say...he'd spent that money anyways, but I worked to save that money... -- I guess there is always a 3rd option, that when all is said and done, maybe you look at it and say....I think I'd rather have/do X instead...BUT...if you think this is something you'd like to do or try, then say so and the number counting can begin (and you know how I like numbers)....

The Gift.....

2011-12-21T00:22:00.000-05:00

You asked me today, and probably before today as well, what I wanted for Christmas. As much as I prefer for people to give things without the use of a list, I look for that when I'm hoping for a personal gift and not simply a gift. The way I see it, a gift is just a thing, an object, the real meaning comes from the mindset and heart behind it and gifts should be personal thing, something that the giver comes up with as a token of what or how they feel about the receiver. This is why I dislike saying "get me this". At times that can be good, when you're meeting a need, fulfilling a true want. This is what happened today. You like tea, love it really. By getting you the tea, tea pot and container, that was something bought and given out of love. I saw how you wanted, how it would make you happy, how you wouldn't do it for yourself, so I wanted to get it for you.

So, seeing how it is that you gave me a list today, perhaps it is only fair that I do the same for you now.

All along I've had a few ideas in mind when it comes to what you could get for me.

* Clothes item: I don't want to clarify more than that as I'm interested as to what it is that you'd get for me. What would you want to see me in? Would it be a shirt, boxers, socks, pants, tie, jacket...what is it that you want to see when we're out, when we're in private, what do you imagine me in....that's what I'd want. This is how I feel like I can give you this idea b/c from here I know whatever it is you pick will be your vision or desire for me and will then that item will carry the memory of you any time it touches my body.

* Music : I've already mentioned this one to you...in fact...it's the only that I mentioned to you really. It was...sheet music for the piano. since I hope to be getting my parent's piano soon, I need something new to learn. Sure, I'll be rehashing some old pieces to get back into the swing of things, and I do have that one song I picked out that I want to learn...but I might find myself with a desire to break away from what I'm relearning or trying to pick out (w/o music)...in which case...what is it that you'd like to hear me play for you? Is there anything that you would want to sing as I played? -- Obviously downloaded/printed music is fine by me, it's not the $ spent, but getting to learn what it is that you want to hear from me

Note: all the things below have a common thread...You

* A recording of you singing (video or audio): You know I've asked for similar things several times, even going so far as to ask for a CD worth of you singing. I love hearing you sing and it'd be such a personal gift...one that I'd know you made just for me. Be able to hear you, any time I wish, would be a gift that would be more than precious and something that, at this time, I can't go buy at a store on my own.

* IOU Cards (sometimes called Love Cards): I'm sure you've seen similar things. Basically these are cards (even if just words on a cut-up pieces of paper) that gives the holder rights to whatever is mentioned on it. These can be anything from a walk, to a massage, a meal, a movie choice, to kisses, to makeout sessions, to a whole host of romantic and/or sexual things. The ideas of what could be done, the variations on any one theme are nearly endless. In some ways this is a gift that keeps on giving, little things you can do here and there, tokens of how you care. It's kind of like giving out little pieces of yourself in an on-going basis...whether those pieces are sweet, meaningful, emotional, romantic or sexual. You get to decide what you're offering, how sweet or sexual it is, and how much you're offering....maybe it's 1 card, maybe 50 cards....regardless, it's a gift that says...I love you, here's the papers to prove it.

* A Day (more/less) with You: This could be structured in quite a few ways, but the idea is that you intentionally set aside a day, a few hours, an evening...something...for just me and you. What we do, where we go that's anyone's guess at this point...but it's set aside as our time. For this you could leave it as...we'll do what I want to do, or you can keep control and say...this is what we're doing. This might not sound like much to you, but having you say...I'm giving you this time, for me and for you, because I want time with you, that's a good gift from where i stand.

* You in a bow : Well, in many ways I'm not being literal here (although....), it's really more of the concept. The concept is simple... where the above options you're in many ways figuratively giving yourself to me or giving of yourself, in this way it's more of a literal giving. As this would be your gift to me I'm not spelling out...it should be this...this could be anything from an afternoon, an overnight, to several days, from cumming once to using viagra, from romantic to kinky, from complete submission, whatever you desire to just being loving and tender...to anything you can think of on any end of the spectrum.

* Throw Back : Ok, I didn't know what to call this but the idea is kinda simple...offer a throw-back to the early days. A new pic-shoot, "preparing" a pair of panties, a video...something a long those lines.

I'll go ahead and stop there, but you get the idea. -- If you were to ask me...what do I want most for Christmas, my answer would be...I want you (queue Christmas music). Even if it's just temporary, a night, short bursts, even if it's just a token, or a piece or a symbol...I want to have you. -- So there it is...my list of things. Use it as a guide, get one thing, get several, get it all, get none of it...that's the beauty of a list, you decide what to take from it...or maybe it help to give you an idea all your own. As with any list of course the person creating it has their own ideas and hopes...but...it's never up to the creator to decide what happens to the list...only to provide it.....and now I've done it...and your task is to decide....how much are you wanting/willing to give and in what way(s) are you wanting to give and is whatever you decide even on that list at all? At the end of the day it's a gift and nobody can make you give a gift, for a true gift is a way to show someone that you're thinking of them, that you care, and that this thing you're giving is for them...for all those reasons and more....

Extending the Numbers

2011-12-13T12:33:00.001-05:00

Ok...because I'm a numbers person, I decided to take the figures from the last post and expand upon their possible implications.

Assume:
* 55% of men think about sex multiple times a day (45% think about it rarely)
* 20% of women think about sex multiple times a day (80% think about it rarely)
* Thinking about it has a direct correlation to desire
* Because so many relationships have sexual problems, people do not use sexual compatibility as a factor when entering into a relationship

Based on those numbers, then you can create the following chart

	Women High	Women Low
Men High	11%	44%
Men Low	9%	36%

Roughly 1 in 10 women are in a relationship in which they desire sex more than their partner. Conversely, nearly half of all men are in a relationship where they crave sex more than their partner. Only 1 in 10 relationships involve people that are both highly sexually motivated, whereas 1 in 3 relationships involve only mildly sexually motivated people.

There are then 2 ways of looking at this. Does the 11% high sexually motivated couple have more padding, more give and take, if desire drops off slightly in one person? If things go from every day to 4 times a week for a while, is that ok since there's both still a high level of sexual satisfaction, or is the loss more highly noticed because there is such a high focus on sex already? To that end, does the 1:3 low sexually motivated couple hurt more when sex goes from once a month to once every 2 months or is the change almost undetectable since that's not what defines their relationship? When one person in a low sexually motivated relationship loses even more interest, is that a show of more neglect and loss or simply another delay?

Regardless, over half the relationships are sexually unbalanced. Among the balanced couples, you're 3-times more likely to be low sexually driven. The chance for a relationship to run into sexual problems appears to be high (what did my dad always say, most problems in relationships are caused by money and sex....and it's normally too little of each), so it just illustrates the need for openness and communication, for people to take the focus off themselves and to see things through the eyes of their partner. The sexually motivated person needs to understand that the other may not want, it may not mean the same thing, that they have different needs that have to be fulfilled in order to feel close and intimate....whereas the less sexually motivated needs to understand that simply because they don't crave it in the same way, it is still a vital role in the relationship. Neither position is wrong and neither is more right, either person asserting that their position is the most important view is clearly setting their relationship up for disaster. To the same end, either party simply giving the other what they want because they "must" is driving a wedge between them just as quickly. So the key point for all this is simply...odds are at some point every relationship will be sexually unbalanced....the goal isn't to avoid the unbalance, but learning to live within it in a way that both people are content, happy and fulfilled.

Men vs Women....as it pertains to sex

2011-12-13T10:45:00.002-05:00

According to some internet searches.....

* 54% of men think about sex several times a day
* 19% of women think about sex several times a day
* 43% of men think about sex a few times a month

* Male brain thinks about sex every 52 seconds
* Female brain thinks about sex once a day

* After 4 years in a relationship less than half of women want regular sex, after 20yrs only 20% do
* Men's libido tends to remain relatively steady regardless of relationship length
* Women's high/low sex drive is attributed to it being high to facilitate pair-bonding then moving towards a desire for tenderness
* Note: Another study said that college aged girls appear to think about sex half as often as guys which further supports this pair-bonding idea, but further implies a sharp drop-off in thought/desire later in life.

From this you can infer that roughly half of all men think about (and want) sex all the time. Roughly half of the men think about (and want) sex on a fairly infrequent basis. Whatever it is that your guy feels and wants now, odds are that's what he's gonna want and crave throughout the relationship. Additionally, your sexual drive and physical need for him will only diminish more and more the longer you're together. Part of the task in a successful relationship is finding that balance or a way of working with biological/mental differences between the two so that both parties feel satisfied....where one doesn't feel neglected nor the other one simply used, as both will tear a relationship apart. How to achieve this satisfaction/balance goal can be an extensive task, but communication is the first key, with each person acknowledging the other's desires/wants/needs and the importance they each place on those various aspects of the relationship. From there there's quite a few topics to spill into (how to communicate a "no", what acceptable lengths will each go to for the other's satisfaction, closeness without sex, acceptable outlets when one isn't in the mood, how to communicate a need (tenderness or sexual), etc), but it all starts with communication and acknowledgement of the other's view. I firmly believe that this isn't a one-time conversation as desires, interests, wants and satisfaction, for both individuals, can change numerous times in their life and in any relationship it is those that are less "me" focused and more "you" or "us" focused that enjoy the highest levels of contentment and true happiness. We are all multi-layered individuals and rarely is a need simply one thing (physical, emotional, mental), but without communication it can appear that a partner is overlooking (or focusing too much on) one single aspect and that one aspect becomes a focal point for resentment, conflict and dissatisfaction.

However, my little step into the psychology field aside...to answer your txt...do guys think about sex all the time or want sex all the time....the answer is...a little more than half the guys do both....so my answer is.....both

You Put Your Arms Around Me and I'm Home

2011-11-30T05:56:00.000-05:00

This is one of the songs that made me like Christina Perri, it's called "Arms". Every time I hear it I think of you...and I often imagine that you feel this way...that despite the ups and the downs, the time together or apart...that there is something just so comfortable, so reassuring about feeling my arms around you...

May 31st 2012

2011-11-30T04:53:00.001-05:00

I dawned on me tonight that I hadn't logged into my online backup account in a while. That's the account where I have *most* of the pics, vids, files, notes, etc. stored from our time together. It was a free 10GB, but you need to log in every 3 months or risk getting a "are you still using this account" email.

Tonight when I go to do my preemptive "yes I'm here" log-in, I find the web-site isn't there. I knew they'd been bought out by another company, but the old users still used the old page and the access was still free (even though the new company doesn't offer free accounts). I go to the new page and at first I can't get logged even though I KNOW the password is right. After a minor OMG, WTF moment I did a password reset and...I'm in.

Everything looked to be there but I was hit with 2 surprises. 1) They increased my limit from 10GB to 50GB. -- How's that for progress??? 2) That momentary rush of good feelings for the new company died when I saw "Expires 5/31/2012" a few lines down. -- Now that truly was a WTF moment.

I've been to their blog, looked around some of the FAQs, their help page and such but haven't found anything referencing the change. My guess right now is that they've upgraded all the old free users to full-fledged accounts and we're being given a grace period to either get the files off or start forking over the dough. That option had always been in their documentation, that if they ever did away w/ free access completely we'd all be given a chance to pay or retrieve...

Earlier I said *most* of the files were stored there, that's b/c through a series of hard drive crashes and external drive failings I lost all my off-line copies and there were some things I hadn't uploaded so those things are long since gone. -- I'm not doing anything about this expiring account it tonight and I haven't decided if I will do anything about it at all. Basically, I now either have to download all the stuff back to the lappy, scour for another free site that offers enough space, multiple file types (not just pics/vids), as well as decent retention and privacy policies along with a good upload system (believe it or not some sites are using the "browse" and select each file option) then upload everything again...or...I can simply let the account expire and allow the data be deleted.

I have time ..yes.. but I can't just keep the proverbial hand in the pants and do nothing...there is a deadline looming...either choose to keep what I have, the memories, the record, the thoughts, the notes, our time or choose to let all that slip into the ether and recesses of our memory. You've likely already purged yourself of the few pics you once held onto of us, our adventures and our time together...meaning...if I do nothing any past record of our time would forever be gone...leaving only the future as our sole avenue for a new history. Come June 1st...

Never Again.....

2011-11-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

You know I love the sound of your voice, whether talking, singing or humming along to a jaunty tune. However, there is one thing I never want to hear go past those sweet lips ..... and it's the accusation that I only like you, or want you, because of sex, or because you're easy, or anything else along those lines. -- You know it's not true so why say it? Just to work yourself up and make yourself feel better? Or so you can become angry at me? Well, I don't like it and i want it to stop.

If by some miracle you think it is true, then you obviously don't know me very well. The fact is, I've done nothing but offer you exclusivity when it comes to sexual things and that means....I'm going with less sex, not more, by having you in my life. I put the nail in the coffin in my home sex life b/c of you. I intentionally ignored the occasional signs she was wanting/offering sex b/c I didn't want to do anything to hurt you, but in doing so...even those occasional offers have long sense dried up. -- After the NC trip split I had more than one girl lined up and I was with...one of which was an attractive, wants sex daily, very submissive/dominate me, loved anal and kinky sex girl...but I ended that at the first sign you were at least willing to talk with me again. This past time I wasn't sleeping with anyone but I was talking with 3 people and it seems I cut things off prematurely once again...and given the fact I backed off the momentum is once again gone and I've not tried to build it again. -- But, to give you an idea of who I was talking to, here's a brief run-down...
1) Natural redhead (although keeps her hair dyed), one month older than you, highly sexual and has a "cum fetish"
2) 23yo grad student active in the D/S lifestyle, very bi and very submissive with an active Fem-friend giving a high FFM possibility
3) Slightly older married woman with kids and unsatisfactory sex life

What I'm trying to illustrate is, if all I was interested in was sex, if that was my primary motivating factor, then I could have that. In fact, I've had that and walked away from strictly sexual friendships for you. I've had things laid right on my doorstep and all I had to do is pick it up and run...but instead I've turned my back, stopped emailing and let the momentum fade and die....after all, I've sought those "relationships" to fill an annie-sized void, so walking away has never been difficult to do. I try to respect your wishes and not push you into more sex than you want/need. I've offered you exclusivity from the beginning and I've not wavered from that, even when we're not in a relationship or we're barely talking. Being with you and wanting to spend time with you is a choice, and despite the claims you sometimes make, it's not because of sex. Yes, I like sex and i want it, but if sex was my primary or only motivation, as you've said, then there'd be more pressure for it, more demands for it and I'd surely not cut off sure-things with people much more sexually motivated than you. Things with us would be vastly different and I honestly believe you know that. Why would I continue to do things for you, buy you stuff/gifts, food, take you on trips if my only goal was sex? Despite what you may think, we've actually had very little sex this year....and from a pure cost-analysis stand-point...given our sex to money-spent ratio...hookers would be a better investment if orgasms were the goal.

The fact is, this post really is probably mute, b/c you already know that I like you for more than just sex. You know I genuinely care for you and my desire to be with you goes far beyond anything physical we have. Hearing you say or imply any different is hurtful so I'm respectfully asking that it stop....I don't give you permission to hurt me, regardless of what your motivation is or how you may be feeling at the moment...you're gonna have to respect me more than that and you can't simply say any thing you damn well please, especially since we both know it's not true. So I'm asking...when it comes to those words...Never Again

Stealing Your Line

2011-11-28T00:52:00.001-05:00

I've been holding off writing and posting this, unsure of whether I should or not, but if you're reading this, you know what I decided.

I really don't think there was anything more I could have done last week. Really, I'm not sure there was. On Monday I added easily another 5-hours to my day by driving back to to pick you up so I could take you away to destress and relax a little. I then tried to do all the things that you'd like. I had brought nicer clothes to go out in. We went out...to a bar, we got drinks on more then one occasion, we went to a head-shop, we got sushi, burritos and pizza. There wasn't any pressure for sex or sexual things. In fact...on Tuesday night, after we'd gone out for the evening then come back, we watched a movie, I gave you a light massage and when you removed my hand from your butt, I never made a single move or gesture or comment or inference for anything sexual between us. I took your removing of my hand as a sign that you were shutting down anything sexual, so I took the hint. -- As I laid in bed I wanted to touch you, I wanted to rub against you, I wanted to touch and tease, maybe see if I could get you turned on, as you laid on your back I wanted to slide between your legs and eat you, I wanted to masturbate and cum on you...I wanted something, anything, sexual with you....but...not only did I not act, I actually got out of bed so there could be no argument saying that I was involving you sexually in any way shape or form. When you woke up and said something about me not being in bed, I got back into bed immediately. -- It may seem like a small thing, but it wasn't. I was going to extreme measures to not put any pressure on you and to stand by my "no pressure" promise. Even to the extent that by me stopping and going to bed I knew I was cutting myself off. -- I knew that Tuesday night was likely my last chance for any kind of sexual release...figuring Wednesday we'd checkout, I'd drop you off and then I'd spend the next few days w/o privacy at my folk's place...meaning...Monday...nearly a week later...would be my first chance for anything, even solo. I was more than aware of this when I decided to not involve you in any way, I was aware of this when I got back into bed and it was a conscious decision to not bring it up so I couldn't be accused of adding pressure or guilt towards you.

So, what did all the extra road-time, the clothes, the trips out, the massages, the movies, all the consideration get me? On Wednesday, it for some reason, got me being treated like shit. -- I stayed in bed that morning, in hopes you'd get up, spend a little time w/ me, but you never did. I was hoping you'd at least shower w/ me, but I didn't even really get a kiss before leaving. However, as soon as I left it seems you jumped up and were ready to go...kind of a..."he's finally gone". -- Perhaps that's reading too much into it, but it's how it appeared when I walked back in a minute later to see you up and about. -- After that, things just went down hill. You took a "tone" with me when we went out to eat and were nearly yelling at me in Mellow Mushroom...all because I got maybe 2-dozen drops of water on my shirt, droplets that would be gone in 2-minutes. Maybe it does bug you, but it's certainly not a near yelling incident in a restaurant. I kept telling myself all day that you were just feeling bad, and that's why everything I did and didn't do, why every little thing became an issue. Why you nearly bit my head off for having the GPS on, why any action I took resulted in comments or glares or snide remarks or disapproving comments. I did everything I could that day to not piss you off. I didn't talk, I talked, I let you drive, I sped, adjusted my speed, how close I followed...any thing you said or mentioned I changed as quick as I could, trying to keep you from getting madder...trying to convince myself that you didn't feel well and that was the cause of all your actions. -- On two occasions (i think) you asked what I was thinking, and I'd said "nothing". That was a lie. I had honestly been thinking....I don't deserve to be treated like this, that even if you were feeling bad, I deserved better, that I was being nothing but nice, I was the one letting everything go, I wasn't the one that had shut down sexually, I was the one trying to do all the stuff to keep things peaceful, I was the one putting up with everything w/o comment or action...so if anyone had a right to be ticked off and pissy, it was me, not you, as I was on the receiving end, and even if you felt bad, that didn't give you the right to treat me, or anyone else, the way I was being treated. But, I continued to try to just justify your actions b/c the few times I asked, you said you weren't mad at me, I hadn't done anything and you were just feeling bad....although...since then you've admitted that you were trying to hurt me. -- Maybe I should have posted the FB status I almost put up at one point...."Help, I'm a prisoner in my own car"...I didn't b/c it seemed mean, despite the fact it's how it felt.

In the midst of some drunken txts you said "sorry", but only after I brought it up and your reply felt like a cop-out, parroted answer. I can honestly say I had done nothing wrong, that day or the entire trip. There was no trigger or act, intentional or unintentional, that I can think of which would have started you down that road. I feel like I can claim that I'm completely in the clear...and the closest thing I've gotten as an explanation was..."the trip is over", followed by a drunken "sorry". I feel like this deserves more than a drunk "sorry", which I can't even tell if it was genuine or not. Especially since you left me that night with the words "you need to stand up for yourself or nobody will take you seriously". -- You don't know how close I came to responding to that comment....with a...."seriously? you're the only one that treats me like you have today so why do you think you get to take this high road advice as if you're not the most guilty of doing just that?" (ok, so maybe those wouldn't have been the exact words I'd used in the moment, but that was the rough idea going through my mind at the time) That was one of 4 times that day I held my tongue and didn't respond...believing...you were telling the truth, you weren't feeling good so me saying anything, me coming down on you would just make it worse. -- Maybe it would have made it worse b/c it'd given you something to fight back against, maybe it'd calmed you down some if I'd attempted to shut you down...I just don't know and I have a feeling, you really don't know either. All I do know for sure is that I'm stealing your line..."I did nothing wrong"

I Hope...

2011-11-15T01:53:00.001-05:00

that you find what you're looking for....

And in the words of a Russian speaking book salesman..."Every little thing is gonna be alright" .... I promise

Reoccurring Theme

2011-11-10T22:24:00.001-05:00

The past few days I've had a reoccurring theme going on in my head....a scenario of sorts. It basically goes like this......

I find myself w/ my marriage over or ending. I'm not living at the house anymore and there's no reconciling. I contact you somehow and leave a message that says I need to tell you something, it's important. I will only tell you in person and I need less than 2 minutes of your time...if you have any feelings, of even friendship, towards me then you'll give me a time and a place. -- You don't respond....and I don't tell you. -- Later...probably months...our paths cross (the common scenario is you see my profile on a dating site). You ask how long I've been single and why didn't I tell you....to which I remind you of how I tried to but when I said I needed to tell you something you sent the message that you didn't even have feelings of friendship towards me anymore...and if that was true, then what did it matter telling you? Of course you try to explain that you were just trying to protect yourself, to not get hurt again, that's why you didn't respond or meet...but I don't let go of my view either...that I'd made a simple request and you couldn't even bring yourself to be friendly.

The scenario ends one of two ways....either with me considering what to do or with me having a "you screwed up" type stance. Even in the "considering" stance I'm left with the...it was always you that had a say as to when things were on or off, if you were going to be friendly or ignore me completely, you got complete say on how close we could be and often times you wouldn't even consider a friendship although you were out throwing yourself at any guy that would pay you attention...you treated me badly on quite a few occasions and you held all the cards before, but now you were going to have to work at it if you wanted to be in my life b/c the tides had shifted and I no longer have to simply take what is dished out.

I won't go into the analysis as to where all this is based...it should be fairly obvious ... but needless to say .... i'm getting tired of feeling like I have no choices, no power, no say in my life (one of several areas) and I'm ready for ppl to start treating me like I'm a real and like I matter, treating me simply the way that would want to be treated....and if they don't, they may wake up one day to find that the person they always thought would be there...isn't....b/c he had enough. -- I haven't reached this magical enough-is-enough breaking point just yet, but I can feel it closing in. A few bumps in the wrong direction and it might all crash down...a few well placed support beams and repair work can begin again safely ... but the idea that I'll simply keep dealing w/ what is given is, for now at least, a fool's game.

Time Management...

2011-11-10T21:47:00.001-05:00

It's been about a week since I've actually written anything. I wrote quite a bit quickly, looking forward to the "Happiness" blog entries that were to come after all the other posts.

I wrote the first entry and realized that I needed to do some outlining, re-writing, collecting thoughts and arguments in order to do the topic justice. However, during the week of not writing I'm come to the realization that what I write won't likely matter. There are actually quite a few things that i've said to you on numerous occasions that the book backs up and says itself...but....you never acted on them so why would you now? I feel like even if I was to give you the actual keys to your happiness, that would serve you and keep you happy for the rest of your life...with the state of mind that you're in right now, the way I'm sure you're looking at distancing and keeping yourself from me...that you wouldn't be inclined to change any aspect of your life in the ways if for no other reason than b/c I mentioned and suggested them. It doesn't matter that these ideas are based in studies of million and millions of people, research that went on over decades...if I mention them now...it'll go in then out with no lasting effect.

What I am going to do is I will give you the bullet point type list of things. In most ways it's doing a complete disservice to the whole topic and it won't mean much b/c most things need longer explanations to really get the point. -- For instance...if I'd simply said in the first post....seek intrinsic happiness not extrinsic, that wouldn't have meant much. If I say: materialism is bad....that seems obvious on the surface, but it needs a longer explanation to understand why and how it impacts your life. Saying that you should volunteer...if only once a month...that may sound like a nice idea but why does it matter and why should you really consider doing it? (it's b/c people that focus on themselves are never happy. When you are focused on yourself then your own problems are magnified and will never end. Happy people have a focus on others...and the fact is...you are a person that focuses much to much on yourself and your own problems...how many times have you said "i really don't have it that bad"...yet, everything seems to always be so bad and overwhelming? It's b/c your focus is so heavily on yourself and your problems). -- There's a whole host of things I took notes on and my first estimates were that it'dd take at least a dozen entries to cover things...more if I broke things out more...but spending all that time and effort on something you're likely to just ignore seems like a bad use of my time and energy. I'll post the bulleted list sometime just so it's there and b/c I do what I say. If I'm wrong and if you were interested in what i was going to write, if you really are interested in making some changes instead of just looking for quick fixes that don't last (happiness bump), then ask me to write more and expand on things and I will....but unless there's some evidence to contradict what I've come to believe would happen....then i'm going to practice some time-management

The Ins and Outs of Happiness

2011-11-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

I took way too many notes it seems and they're all kind of jumbled together so it might take a little bit to actually sort them out into a nice flow that isn't all over the board...but I think a good place to start on this topic is trying to understand happiness...and this is kind of key....

There are two kinds of happiness....intrinsic and extrinsic, and most of us concentrate on the wrong one. You can think of these are as everyday happiness and something special happiness.

When you look back on things our brain tends to remember the extrinsic types of happiness, something that carried a strong feeling or reaction. The problem is, that is fleeting happiness. Lasting happiness comes in the form of the everyday things. Too many people (and I think you'd be in that majority) look at and focus on big events that stand out, as a measure of how happy they are or are not. It's not those stand-out events that really determine how happy you are, it's all the little things that we often ignore.

For instance...most people look at *things* or goals or events to make them happy. Perhaps you think...if I can get this raise or job I'll be happy. If I can afford this new thing for my room, if I could only I had this thing or reached this goal...then...I'd be happy. -- Those are all extrinsic forms of happiness. They do in fact make you happy...but it's only a happiness bump. The surge of good feeling you get from those things doesn't last, but most people chase those things and they never stay happy for long. Their brain remembers that surge, that special event, and they think *that* made them happy, *that* made everything ok. The reverse is also true. You're on a trip and you have a bad waitress while eating out and your time is ruined...when there are in fact so many more, seemingly less intense, things that you should be focusing on that give you happiness....like...the simple joy of sleeping in, having a relaxing time on a beach, trying a new food, meeting someone new.

Chasing happiness, through these extrinsic forms of happiness is a fool's move, but most people do it. You'll never reach lasting happiness doing that. You'll always be chasing the next thing...and that's something I've seen you do....If I could move from here, get new roommates, get this job, have more money, take this class, get this major, etc...then...I'd be happy. All the studies show that those things don't make for lasting happiness no matter how much you think "i'd be so much happier if I just had (money/job/thing/etc)". -- Instead...you should strive to be content. Content in your life, your situation and who you are...things I'll be talking more about later....and when are content...happiness follows. --- (Part of why I'm saying...strive to be content...is b/c, the things that bring about a lasting feeling of happiness are typically smaller, everyday things that we tend to overlook. They're not big huge sources of happiness on their own, but they are what really matter in the end)

I feel like I've stumbled through this topic some....so I'm going to cut this short and regroup before writing too much...but I hope you gained the point. The first thing that needs to be addressed is...how you (and by that i mean...most everyone) views happiness and where their focus is in order to achieve happiness. Our own memories do us a disservice. We overlook everyday happiness on the quest for some thing or event to make us happy, and we let go of everyday and gained happiness by holding on to a negative feeling or situation that itself was simply an extrinsic negative feeling (someone running late, a wrong turn, not having the right outfit, etc). -- Start learning to recognize the everyday happiness that is in your life...and do what you can to cultivate those things and you'll start finding yourself a more content and happy individual.

Ode to Happiness

2011-11-05T08:16:00.000-04:00

As mentioned before...I rented an audio book on Happiness in hopes of sharing whatever was contained within those words to you...in hopes that maybe you could increase a measure of happiness and satisfaction in your own life...b/c I know you struggle with that. I actually took quite a few notes and I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to convey them. My initial thought was that it'd be one entry, with an A-B-C type list and that would be it. I think I may have too much info for that to be good approach as the major/minor points would all be lumped together and there might be a lack of explanation of some key factors.

I think mentioned it before, but this book came about after a several year study in places that were found to be the places in the world with the highest percentage of people that claimed to be happy according to surveys and studies of millions of people. There was a nice summary at the end of the overall findings and how the studies suggest each of us can do in our own lives to help set ourselves up for happiness...or as the author put it ... how you can shape your world to help nudge yourself towards happiness.

In the end I was actually fairly happy I got the book. The goal of being happy is what we all want and there are some good take-aways. I'll just try to do my best in these upcoming entries to convey a few...and in the end...I hope in some way it will make a difference in your life ...

Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo

2011-11-04T18:13:00.001-04:00

Or...FWB...

This is a quick spur of the moment post...and I'm just gonna let it post before the "happiness" entries kick in based upon the fact you thought we'd remain friends, just not b/f and g/f....

It seems to be it's been a week and a half since we saw each other....which means that by now your sex drive is likely in over-drive given everything that's gone on. I won't speculate what all is or isn't going on....whether you're throwing yourself at just any and every guy or pulled back entirely ... whether or not looking for either validation, acceptance, companionship or whether you're feeling amazing about yourself. Whether you simply want to not to feel alone or you're only wanting a relationship. Maybe you're perfectly OK with everything...

...but maybe you're not. maybe you are looking for something, for someone...and maybe you haven't found it. -- If you're on the quest to get one or more of the above needs met...then maybe you would consider something NSA with me. -- I was thinking about that movie we saw together (it was either FWB or NSA...I forget which)...and I was trying to remember what they set up and decided as their guidelines. -- But ... if we were to see about helping to meet a need we each have (whether it's just companionship, a friend, or physical) ... then maybe we could make something work. -- A quick google-search shows a tentative rules I think we'd need to follow

* No 3-little words....the...143....
* No "pillow talk"
* No overnights (which is hard b/c I love overnights with you)
* No becoming emotionally involved
* Keep communication down...enough to be friends, but not so much you're confused as "best friends"
* Limit time together to something like 2-hours

Not sure what you think of any of this...but...it's out there if you want it...if you're having trouble finding what you want or need....and in some ways you'd end up w/ a psuedo "contract" from me not to try to make you anything more...and you wouldn't try to make me into more. We could fill the voids in each other lives, for friendship, companionship, and physically...without expectations, plans or agendas for more .....b/c...we'd only be Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo ..

It's Not Over....

2011-11-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

*Note: Since you admitted to me that you initially believed the internationally hot book salesman post was a ploy, I want to assure you that what's written below is completely true. The story I relate is 100% true, and the thoughts I say I was having at the time were 100% the thoughts I was having, and my motivations were as stated. Yes, I was angry/upset at the time, but there was still a portion of me thinking rationally (which is part of my fear w/ being drunk, that I might give up that rational part of me, if even for a little while...b/c I never do). This content of this entry is true and isn't a ploy of some kind. In reality, this was written literally hours after the "bitter" post ... I think the vetting of frustrations helped to connect the dots in my head over what I knew I had wanted to do, but didn't...and what the reality of our situation most likely is given all the data at hand along with our past

You read in the blog entry that "Too Many Thoughts" that when you went to the bathroom that last day I was at your place you almost came out to find I'd already left. I explained that part of why I didn't was because I didn't want to rob you of the ability to say bye. I feel like you've stolen that closure type step from me before and I wouldn't do it to you. However, what I didn't explain is WHY I almost left. You might think it was b/c I was mad and just wanted to leave. Wrong. I was upset, but not leave so you couldn't say "bye" upset. Just before you went into the bathroom I remembered a story I'd recently heard. The guy was saying that he'd moved to VA from CA and in many ways his heart stayed there. He found himself longing to move back. He was torn trying to live in two worlds for several years. On the brink of moving back to CA he came to the realization that VA was where he needed to be. So what he did was...he planned a trip back to CA. He took his whole family, they visited the people and places they loved, they stayed w/ family and just enjoyed themselves. -- For him to move on, part of his process included his own equivalent to a "one last"....For us, that'd be a time where we'd spend time together doing all the things we liked doing so much...I'd likely help you clean your room, we'd find somewhere to hang out, we'd get a sushi or thai food, possibly stay in one of the hotels you liked so much, watch some movie or show, spend some time being physically and sexually close, then ending with some good conversation and just opening up and baring our souls to one another.

You'd already told me there'd be no "one last"...and I didn't like the prospects of giving up that time, that bit of closure...but you seemed firm and I wasn't going to beg or demand, so I'll move on to the rest of his story.

When it came time for his family to leave CA he made a point to be the last one out of the house. He very deliberately closed the door and locked it behind him. He took a physical and symbolic step...he shut the door and locked it, shutting out that part of his life as a viable option. He'd always love CA, he might long for it sometimes but the door was closed and for the time at least, he was where he needed to be. Maybe one day his path would lead him back to CA, but it was not that time. -- So why did I almost leave? Because as much as it'd hurt, I thought maybe it was best if I did the same...if I closed and locked the door. How many times have you said in the past...you've got to let me go...or...you're not letting me move on...? If what you said in your room was accurate and true, if it was time for this to end...then something new and different needed to happen. You'd already dismissed the "one last" remembering, saying good-bye and closure step...but at least I could close and lock the door as I walked away, allowing me to mentally walk away.

Do you remember what happened? You walked out of the bathroom and started talking very casually. You spoke like nothing in the world was changing, like this was any ordinary day and you were just heading off to class. -- I told you I'd let myself out. You said no, that you needed to lock the door. I replied that I would lock it. You insisted that no, you would and you'd walk me out. I didn't feel like getting into a whole "I need to close the door" mental process right then and there with you, so I gave in as you seemed determined.

From there things played out in an almost predictable fashion. We walked to the door. I don't think we said good-bye, we didn't embrace or kiss and I walked to the car. I got in and as I went to speed off I glanced over and saw the door wide open and you standing there. -- That'll be the last thing you or I will remember about those moments. When it came time to leave, it was casual everyday conversation, there was no goodbye or final parting comments indicating finality...instead it was repeated comments from you in your room about how we'd see each other again, "we always do"...and then you standing there in the doorway, looking out at me with the door nearly as far open as it will go.

Are things over between us? I really don't think they are. -- What am I talking about? Simple. We've done this dance of on-again and off-again too many times. There really has been a "we always do" with us. If you want things to truly end, then we both need to move towards some level of closure. Not me, not you, but both of us. If it's not both of us then one of us can pull the other back in at some point. -- I'm not going to say it has to be the way the guy in the story went about it (although it does hold very strong foundations on letting go)...but closure has to come in some fashion, in a way that will work for both of us. -- As long as at least one of us feels a lack of closure (and I'm betting neither of us do this time...especially since this time you didn't even pretend like "this is it") then we are likely to continue on this cycle. Maybe it'll be weeks, months or years before it begins again...but it's almost certain to begin again. Any amount of purging or moving on, going out with and sleeping with other guys, drugs, hobbies or any other actions you take to rid me from your life will likely, in the end, be a waste of time as long as we've both not taken the steps to come to a real point of closure. -- You were right when you said we'd see each other again...I think it's almost impossible to escape. If we do nothing the cycle will almost certainly repeat again at some point...and if we're to achieve a lasting closure, a true finality...I think we will have to see each other again in order to bring it about...b/c when I drove away...it was plain that you'd left the door wide open and I'd not taken the steps necessary to close it either....which almost certainly means....it's not over

I was always more of an autumn....

2011-11-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

So why has my cell phone gone dark since we parted? I mean...that's not quite the right color for me....

I still, almost obsessively, check my email and refresh the google-voice app to see if there's a TXT message. I know there won't be, and in that I haven't been proven wrong which is why every day I check it less and less (by the time this posts it might not be at all). For so long, when I've had a free second I checked both apps...when driving to/from sites I was always checking and txt'ing. Back during the panty sale days I'd email clients while driving to help you out. All that checking/emailing/txting kept me busy while driving and helped the trips not be so long, and days spent at home alone went by quicker and had more meaning. But there's not much of a reason to check either these days. After you first contacted me a few months ago I broke contact with everyone....I haven't even txt'ed my DC friend in quite some time. -- I'm readjusting my life to the new norm.....and part of that norm is a lack of daily love for my black vibrating electronic sidekick.....all of which adds to a feeling of being alone....

What...

2011-11-03T20:30:00.000-04:00

The day we suddenly parted I commented more than once about it being the last time I see you. You questioned....why did i think that....that we'd always seen each other later...it just might be a while.

Let's pretend for a moment that you're right...that we will see each other again one day. The question isn't ...."when".... it's "what". -- What will we be? Will it be as estranged friends? Friends? Friends with Benefits? Lovers? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Something completely different that I can't even imagine?

I guess that's something we'll discover when or if that day comes. -- I haven't changed my desire to do anything to be in your life. I want that so much. You know how much I l*ve and want you, you never had to *make* me or entice me to do so....I just did because it was you. You know I'd literally pay to have a place in your life if that's what it came to.....but I also know....that everything in your court. You won't contact me again until you're ready (if ever). That "what" we are will be dependent on you. -- You know that you could virtually make any demand or request of me and it'd likely be a done deal. -- Until the "when" ... I guess I won't know the "what"....

When

2011-11-02T20:30:00.000-04:00

I've found myself asking...when did things change with us. Not so much...when did you start pulling away, but when did you start relying so heavily on me again.

I ask because...when you contacted me after the William incident you told me you wouldn't get hurt by me, that you were keeping up a wall. You did very well for a long time keeping that wall up, and I never felt like you ever fully retracted that wall. You kept seeing people. At first on SA, then later through various dating sites. I don't think you ever fully got off the dating sites, that you ever stopped looking for guys that would capture your attention, talking with guys, going out with them on occasion. Even recently you had met a guy from KD and from when you told me about him it sounded like you were still talking/flirting with him. You were keeping your options open, showing that you weren't tied down. Just before the trip was the first time I heard you use the term "boyfriend"....which really shocked me b/c I didn't know you had made that mental leap. Even up to the trip you never felt as close as you had...I still felt that wall...that keeping me at arm's length and not fully letting me in. I didn't blame you, I knew you didn't want to be hurt and I was respecting that, not asking for more, not pushing for more than you would freely give.

I wasn't prying into your life, checking up on you, trying to dissuade you from seeing other guys or going out. You told me stories from time to time about the guys you went out with, the night the guy came over and you all made out and you wanted sex ... all those things and more .... they weren't ideal for me but I understood and I respected your right to do what you wanted, when you wanted with whom you wanted...without overstepping any personal space bounds in your life. -- On the WV trip you made the comment about how I was blocked on FB to keep me from stalking you. I almost called BS, but things were degrading enough already that I didn't wish to push it. -- Why would I have called BS? Because the continued FB block has nothing to do with me stalking you...it has to do with your comfortableness with my page. I could look at your page all day long and you'd never know...I'd glean a facts here and there about you and your life...but you're not a super heavy FB user...and you know how to hide specific posts, pics, relationships, etc from me if you considered something personal and you didn't wish to share....it's just the flow of information the other way that is the real problem. I've known that for a while and it's why I never asked for you to lift the block...I'd been trying to respect what would make you the most comfortable, and you not seeing my page was part of that equation.

The thing is....I was OK with you keeping me at arm's length, at not letting me in fully. We were friends, I was getting to spend time with you and that's what I really wanted. Did I want more? Of course....but I wasn't going to be greedy or push you. I helped you with the papers, cleaning up, doing little things here/there because I was trying to be your friend. When we didn't see each other for days I understood that I wasn't the priority in your life, but I'd take what time you had when you had it. Was I looking forward to more time with you? Absolutely. Had I pushed heavily and been demanding for that 2-hour block of your time you'd promised given our previous arrangement? No. Why? Because I didn't want to add more stress to your life and I figured we'd get to it as soon as your life calmed down a little. I know you never asked for the dress, but did I ask for anything b/c of it? No...just a pic. I'm not gonna recap everything b/c you were there...but maybe it was me doing those things that made you depend on me more ...... that wasn't my intent. I wasn't going for a dependent relationship, I was simply trying to help out a friend. They were all things I knew you *could* do ... but if I could ease some of your load, ease some stress or free some time so you could be freer to see me...then of course I'd assist.

All in all I wanted a friendship with you and didn't push for a relationship and in many ways it seemed as if we hadn't entered one...b/c I was at arm's length, b/c you did keep talking to and going out w/ guys, keeping me blocked, not calling me a b/f, having limited time w/ you....so that's why I was so shocked to hear the word....b/f...right before we left. It lead to me to wonder...when in your mind did we stop being just friends? When did we become more? And if we were more....when did that degrade from b/f to guy you despise and person you no longer wish to even see, talk to or communicate with? -- When did we stop being friends...both coming...and going? ... When did it increase and when did it fade??? When.....

More Than One...

2011-11-01T21:30:00.000-04:00

You've heard me say on a few occasions that one of the things I fear the most about you, if not the most, is that you're young and you don't know what you want. My fear is that if I was to leave her, for you, that you might end up leaving me. Heaven knows I've seen you leave me enough times already. You've acknowledged the fact that yes...you might leave me one day....but you want me now. You've talked repeatedly about how you're not afraid of divorce and how if things get bad you'll leave and won't have a problem with it. When I mentioned that concerned me you try to put it down some by saying you would stay and fight....but I wasn't fully convinced and I wasn't sure how much, how hard and for how long you'd fight for us if things got hard. -- However...up in WV, and while driving back, something else was called into question and it's caused me to think about it, quite a bit, since then.

In Applebee's, when I told you that I felt like i had to walk on egg-shells when it came to talking with you b/c I didn't want to risk saying anything that would upset you or might make you uneasy. -- In your reply you said something to the degree of....if I haven't left you due to all the other reasons then I'm not leaving you because of something you say

While driving back I thought maybe we could learn a few things, have a discussion, have some fun....nothing too deep, nothing too deathly serious.....but kinda fun. I asked you to tell me some of what I do that annoy or bother you. -- I was looking for answers like "lack of deodorant" or "wish you had a better haircut" or "you use the phrase too much" or "your elbows on the table" or things I could never imagine...but all stuff along that line and about that serious. I didn't expect there to be any deep dark hidden things. To my surprise, your reply was much more somber and serious in tone ..... you said "no, you really don't want to go there" and then repeated it, marking your stern stance on that.

All this time we've been together, not together, apart, inseparable, close, distant ..... all this time I felt like...I believed....there was that one glaring thing in my life (my home life) that was the problem. In that there could be a few off-shoots you might bring up....but....if that one thing was gone, if that one thing changed...then all of our problems would be gone and we'd be happy. You've said as much to me on several occasions. You've talked about that being the source, the cause of all of our problems, your on-again, off-again feelings, your distance, your every negative and bad reaction....and I believed it.

The thing is....when I put your two reactions in WV together, it caused me to start to wonder if I've been naive. You talked about...all the reasons...you have to leave me, not this one glaring big one. When asked what you didn't like about me you apparently had some big and heavy hitters lined up, not just the obvious one. You know that I know how much you dislike the home-life, so there'd be no reason for such a strong "you really don't want to go there" type statement. It was more. If you'd answered you might have started there but you wouldn't have finished there. -- With those two reactions I had no choice but to begin to ask the question....if I was to leave for you....have I only eliminated one problem with a list of others still hanging around? Would there simply be a honeymoon period of us together only to get slapped with these other lingering dislikes and reasons for you to leave me later? And if you wouldn't talk to me about these other things, then how smart would it be to walk into a potential firestorm, unprotected from who knows what danger? - If being in a relationship with me was a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode given the right catalyst, then perhaps that's information that should have been shared instead of only asking "when are you going to fix this?"....because I'm now left wondering if when it came to reasons for you to leave me, was there was more than one....

The "No" Formulation

2011-10-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

Almost since day 1 with you you have said....."I feel like I get more out of this relationship than you do" ...
All during our time together you have asked ..."Is there anything I can do for you".....
Throughout our history you have insisted that.."I would do anything for you, you know that right?"

So why is it that the word "no" flowed from your lips so easily with me?
How come it's simple to remember all the times you said "no" in words or in actions?
What made it almost routine that things I wanted or asked for would be so often snubbed?

Perhaps the answers are right there....that you saw yourself as getting more because I always said "yes" where you'd say "no"
Maybe you asked if there was anything you could do b/c you kept hoping I'd say "no" or would make it something trivial to say "yes" to
It's possible you felt you had to remind me, and yourself, that you'd do anything for me b/c you saw yourself saying and doing "no" in the past, present and future.

Think of all the times you caught yourself looking at me and saying "You really do love me don't you"
Do you remember all the times you'd say .... "You really would do anything for me" (sometimes ending with an "almost")
Could you even count the number of times you expressed "wow" thoughts like that out-loud? How many more times were they only internalized?

You yourself recognized so often what I did...not just what I said ...
You saw day in and day out the lengths I'd go to try and make you happy
You know the depths I routinely went to make anything I thought you could want become a reality

So how does all this balance out?
Perhaps it doesn't.
Maybe it all goes back to that first line..."I feel like I get more out of this relationship than you do"

This is why getting "no"s from you are so hard

I feel like with all I've done, felt, given, been...that a few 'yes's are warranted
That now and then your professions didn't need to be said b/c actions had already made them clear
That you'd be left hearing me unable to contain my "You really do love me so much, I know you'd do anything for me" sentiment

I don't doubt that you love(d) me
I know how hard being with me was for you at times
I saw how it bothered you at your core

But in the grand scheme the first line of this was true

A disconnect existed between my unwillingness to say "no"
My desire to take care of every part of you (laundry included)
And the dismissals I received from you in return

Other than that one thing...there was nothing I denied you, and you know that.
If I thought there was something more I could have done at any time, any way to help, i did it gladly and eagerly
I'd been hard pressed to have done anything more to deserve and earn some "yes"s...instead we continued and ended with this "no" formulation

Trix are for Kids, Tricks are from you

2011-10-31T01:30:00.001-04:00

I'm going to start by saying that this is a spur of the moment post and is being inserted into the already scheduled posts and this will be the angry and bitter post...so you've been warned.....

I wasn't going to write this b/c I know it's overly harsh....but hey....looks like I am. -- For lack of a better terms...I'm upset/angry with/at you for the 2-hour time not happening. That was something that wasn't just casually said or offered....it was essentially "earned", and even after "earning" it I continued to do quite a lot of things for you. -- You were at your wit's end when you contacted me about doing that first paper for you. We had an "agreement" for your thanks/payment/exchange...and you only partially completed in part. But I didn't push for more, press for you to fully "pay-up", or pressure you in any way because I was trying to be nice and not add to your stress. Then this whole 2-hours with you came up. After I'd completed my part I continued doing other things for you....ending with the trip and that 2nd paper ... I didn't hold out or withhold a thing until you'd done your part. -- Did you notice I never asked or hinted about what your "payment" would be for me doing that 2nd paper? -- I think you felt so bad about me writing it b/c you knew how far you'd pulled back from me and knew the end was quite near. I knew you had pulled back as well but I agreed to do it anyways....just to help you out. just to ease your stress. It had crossed my mind that you might end things soon but I wanted to simply help you regardless and without additional strings of obligation from you.

I had told you on several occasions that I knew you didn't want to drag the 2-hour thing out....and that statement was almost always followed by...you just tell me when you're free and we'll make it happen. It didn't have to be an overnight thing, but I thought you would have liked to get away. It could have been during the day, an evening, or even on a weekend...but you always seemed so busy or tired and never offered a time.....and if you had I'd made that time work, regardless of the day of the week or time (did you notice I made the Friday night work when Lori asked? I know I wasn't around evenings, but how many times can you think of that when you asked me during the day if you could see me that night that I didn't make it happen? When you asked it was all but impossible for me to say "no".) I never pushed/demanded those 2-hours b/c I didn't want to add to your stress and you seemed stressed enough...I was being considerate of you. It seems though that this is one of those classic....nice guys finish last....situations. I did anything and everything I could to help you both before and after I'd done my part for the 2-hours ... and I never pushed for you to give me that time before you were ready and could be less stressed. I always assumed that that time you'd actually follow through with ... I mean....I'd done more than enough to deserve a simple following-through right? It seems that my continued helping you out and lack of pushing you is my downfall since you've obviously had no desire to keep up your end since the day you left on that last trip.

-- Now, I say this next paragraph knowing I really don't mean it....but it does convey the emotion how I do feel betrayed/hurt/disappointed (if any of those are the right word) by your promise then your complete bailing on it.especially after everything that had gone on between us and all I'd done......if you plan on contacting me again (and you repeatedly said we would see each other again) then know I will be still wanting and expecting those 2-hours and if that's not ok, then perhaps you shouldn't contact me. If you were the type of person that did the right thing then you'd waste no time, say you're sorry about not doing it sooner and offer that time. -- After the lack of follow through on things like ... the songs I wanted you to record, the mushrooms, offering to make-up for forgetting the bday then never doing actually doing anything and then a host of things from previous times....all of which rides on the back of all the little ways I tried to just make you happy (dress, sweet frog, surprise thai food before class, trip, cleaning, dishes, cooking, folding, $ for Wicked, lengths I went for the 420-hookup, etc) ....it's just not fair that you won't even follow through on the things you yourself said and offered. If you're gonna treat my consideration for your stress levels, my continued care on how to make you feel better in such flippant ways, if things are going to be so one-sided, if you're going to say things and bail on your part...then perhaps you just shouldn't ever offer anything to people...b/c the lack of follow-through makes you seem very immature, untrustworthy and as if you don't really care......which effectively means instead of candy and treats, this halloween to me you delivered a metaphorical flaming bag of poo.... Nice trick...you got me good this time.....

Out with the Old

2011-10-30T21:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know what you're going to do with that baby-blanket now. You've worked so much on it I hate that it's likely going to go to waste now. It would have been cute and I'd appreciated it once complete...but I don't really anticipate it being completed or given now.

There's a part of me that would like at least one of the bottles of Vodka back. The bottle I have has probably 2-3oz left in it so a replacement would be good....it might even be nice to make a drink now and then...but....that'd require you seeing me again and I doubt that you're going to do that....and given the roomies, dropping by to just pick something up when you're not there wouldn't work either....and frankly I don't want you having to explain anything to the roomies or even having to discuss me as Lori tends to be nosey and I don't want you to encounter lectures or anything from her....and lord know I don't want Steph involved in any part of your life so I don't view stopping by when you're not around isn't an option.

Here's the thing. you currently have a bottle of wine and 2 bottles of Vodka that was bought specifically for us...for you to only drink with me, with the Vodka bought specifically because you asked me to get it. Here are the options as i see them

a) Save them until there's a time where you and can enjoy them with me as intended
b) Throw them all out
c) Give them back (and i'll toss something if I don't want it)

Given the aforementioned not seeing each other, I doubt C will happen unless you're going to hold on to them for some unknown, possibly infinite, time. Given that same "not for a while" statement you made on Wednesday, I kinda doubt you're holding out for A ... so I kinda assume it's gonna be option B. -- It might seem like a waste, but it is what it is if you don't want to see me and if we're not going to open them together. -- I know you did say that we would see each other again....I just have my doubts, or doubts it'll be in such a manner that we'd be drinking together....only you can answer that....so only you can answer...A, B or C.....but it needs to be one of the three...

You have nothing to fear except.....

2011-10-29T21:00:00.000-04:00

It looks as if a pattern is holding. We go on a trip, you begin pulling away (or intensify the action) and shortly after we get back you call things off. It happened after Valentine's Day and the Green Day Broadway show. It happened when I took you to NC and we stayed in the beach house. And now it's happened after going to WV and we had the cabin with the hot tub. I'd be lying if I didn't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind before we left on this last trip and if I hadn't noticed that trips away seem to be a focal point for whatever you're doubts or bad feelings and how it leads to our parting.

Since our parting of ways it's entered my thoughts...what do I do with the money that I have pulled aside for us? There was that partial paycheck I'd received when there was a payroll oops. It was money I had planned to use for the two of us to go on a trip somewhere. The initial idea had been...to take you on a cruise...but I wasn't stuck on that. Perhaps it'd be a trip out to Vegas or somewhere like that, and the money could be used for airline tickets or something. The possibilities were fairly endless as it was a sizable enough piece of money to be quite useful...and I have kept that money untouched all this time, with plans of increasing it some if needbe, so we could go somewhere. This wouldn't be a work trip, not a local hotel...but somewhere big, fun, exciting...just the two of us. Now...what use does that money have?

In light on the emerging pattern...I wonder if another big trip was even a smart plan. If going on trips leads to you pulling away then leaving me, then why would I risk another big trip? Our last 3 trips have all shared the same pattern...you pull away, sex stops, you enjoy yourself less and then you leave. -- I won't lie, on each of those trips I had hoped for and wanted a greater sexual encounter and intimacy than I had received. After the NC split I first started thinking about this....the....why would I take you on a big trip when the results, even while on the trip, would be so unpredictable? During that time apart, it began me wondering if perhaps I should simply look for someone that would want to travel, have fun and say "thank you" in a sexual manner. Surely I could find someone that would stay upbeat and positive the entire trip and whom would be willing to offer up some sexual thank-yous in exchange for getting them out of the area and whisking them away from their life, their problems, to somewhere warm or magical or exciting or relaxing. -- After you walked back into my life I'd forgotten about that and if this trip had gone differently, I'd likely begun starting to plan our next time away, perhaps once finals were done......but alas....that plan of taking you away seems even riskier now and I'm once again asking myself....what becomes of this money.

Somehow it just doesn't feel right.....how a time away, just the two of us, can degrade so quickly while we're still on the trip then have it end soon after.. I guess the expression we've all heard about "there's nothing to fear but fear itself" is true, and how that's completely true when it comes to me, provided "fear" can be spelled "trip" ...

Bring Out the Needle

2011-10-29T02:16:00.001-04:00

I'm injecting myself into my own blog posts. -- I have posts scheduled for the next few days with brief notes for another...probably 2...that I just haven't written yet....after those go up I should be free to move on to other things. But I did want you to know that I will be making a post on the happiness audio book. This book isn't quite what I had hoped, although he references a book several times that might have been more of what I had hoped for. This book deals more in studies of the happiest places on earth...so some of that has to deal w/ cultures, governments, laws, typical social interactions, etc ... not things you could too easily change yourself. However, from the study of the people in those areas it does leave you with some take-aways that anyone could apply to their own life. I'm already on the next to last CD, and odds are I'll finish it on Monday. -- So expect 1+ posts on the topic of happiness. I know you long to be happier, more content, more relaxed...not just now and then but as an everyday thing, your personal way of life, your norm. So much of what you do really centers on your attempt to gain a level of happiness and maintain it. So despite everything you may have read and what will be posted....at the end of the day...I want you happy, content and satisfied ... and that's really all that matters.

Fail

2011-10-28T17:30:00.000-04:00

When I felt you pulling away, the thought entered my mind that maybe I should call things off between us...before things got bad, before we started drifting more, before things became too awkward, before we did this and had bad feelings, were hurt too much, or resented our time together and all the good was swallowed in a sea of negativity .... Before we got there I thought that maybe I could help you through this depression some so I'd rented an audio book on happiness ... I had been having thoughts of maybe seeing if I could you involved in a band so you could be a real rocker ...... but ...... none of that will be happening now. -- If you want the name of the audio book I picked up I could share it ... I don't know if you want to be in a rock band...b/c if you did you could do what I was going to do. -- You seem a little disenchanted with the girls due to their lack of focus and perfection...a band trying to make it might be more your speed, increase your satisfaction and raise your feeling of happiness.

Anyways....the idea of things ending on an easy parting, walking away as happy as could be expected, without harsh feelings, without feeling mad or cheated or hurt or owed or anything like that....it's a total fail b/c that's not how things went. -- You know me...I like to plan, I like time to adapt and adjust, to have a strategy and a course of action to follow. -- Before you changed your mind about the...one last....I felt like it was going to happen, that we'd walk away without all the negativity and hurt like last time...but.....such is not reality now..... You asked "why do you want to prolong", implying that things only are worse with a...one last...but that's not really how I've seen it. The evenings always start off with a little hesitation but then there's dinner, talking, becoming close...and the part that always stands out most to me is the waking up next to you, spent, laying there, talking with you. Somehow...by knowing that things are over and having shared a nice evening together I end to open up more and just relish in that last bit of time together...and part of that is b/c of the sex....b/c if you haven't noticed, my barriers tend to come down during the wake of that closeness. -- For me, that morning is what I remember most, what I recall more than anything else and the laying there talking, without any barrier between us is what makes parting not so bad....without so much of the pain, hurt feelings and resentment....

In the end, I guess with or without the ...one last... the result of things ending is the same....but the execution for ending was a fail. Instead of ending on a high, a closeness, on a bond, looking back on w/ a level of fondness....it's a parting wrought with one negative after another with yet another trip being a bust.

L M N O P ...

2011-10-28T00:49:00.002-04:00

Q .. or more to the point...queue.

I didn't stop writing posts last night ... I wrote a few and another this morning with another few I might write. -- It's my purging and coping method.The entries will likely be set up on a schedule to be published over the next few days or weeks...so there is a possibility that when you read something it may or may not be valid still....most of what will be posted over the next bit will have been written in a relatively short period of time.....

Too Many Thoughts

2011-10-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

I don't even know where to start right now.

You don't know how close you were tonight to when you came out of the bathroom for me not being there. i dressed quickly and seriously thought about just walking out, without saying bye, without giving you a chance to say bye. Something stopped me from robbing you of that. I was mad, angry. It was all I could do driving home to not drive like a bat out of hell.

Did I see things coming...yeah I did. You really started pulling away on the trip to WV. In Applebees when I told you how I didn't pulling up William's page right next to me I didn't like your response was "I'm doing nothing wrong". That spoke volumes about your mental state. When you tell me there's something you'd like me to do, something you wish I wouldn't, that something annoys you...you know that I do it. Always. Without exception. So what did it say about your mental state when you didn't acknowledge it, offer to change, consider my feelings or anything. When you replied that way I immediately thought...."what if next time you said 'can you turn your wipers off' if I replied 'they are not hurting anything'?" .. how would it make you feel if I started giving "i'm doing nothing wrong" equivalent statements to any of your complaints/comments/suggestions?

So yes, I felt this coming, there were more signs, more observations...but I won't go into them.The thing is....on the trip I really felt you pull away and you haven't felt "close" to me since then. So tell me...why is it so wrong for me to want to feel close to you one last time? Why? After everything....the forgotten birthday never made-up, the dress, the papers, the trip, the hot-tub .... you know that all you have to do is even hint at wanting or needing something and I'm there, I'm doing it .... and my 'thanks' for this has been you pulling away .... and somewhere between sushi and two additional episodes of Weeds you went from...yes, we can have one last time...to....no we won't...to....it'll be a while until I see you again. -- I don't anticipate that you're going to change your mind on this and I'm not going to beg and plead to you to. I don't consider wanting to be close again as "prolonging" ... I consider it more of recapturing...of not going out on such a sour and distant note. I'd much rather end things on a feeling of being close than one of distant non-caring. -- You say that you love me, but starting on the trip it's felt like you've all but recoiled at my touch, tolerated me being close and have been uneasy with me. Things you said you'd do or wanted you didn't follow through with. -- I don't minimize your feelings in any of this....I know in my head that much of your actions and reactions are based in your guilt, your bad feelings, your depression, etc...but...don't minimize mine either...and for me, ending things in a close/positive manner makes it easier, not harder as it gives time to prepare and feel some closure. -- I've missed feeling close and I do want it one last time, I don't fully understand how after all I've said "yes" to, how after all the things I've done that you can so easily say "no" and in the span of an hour go from "yes" to "no". -- That change of mind has honestly changed my mood and outlook. It was one thing when I knew, while eating, that it was over...but there was hope....there was something to look forward to...there was the real chance to end things on a positive, close and friendly terms, with a real good-bye this time, with a feeling of closure....but....the change of mind took that away. I've gone through a flood of emotions tonight already ... so it's probably best that I just stop here before I write anymore. ---

Like a clear fish

2011-10-26T22:26:00.001-04:00

Here is the post that I wrote up while you were in bed in WV..........I decided...why not post it now.......

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It's a little after midnight on our trip out of state. You're in bed, I'm fairly sure you're awake but I got up anyways. There wasn't much point to just laying there anymore, especially since it seemed like I wasn't even allowed to touch you. I said I wasn't sleepy, but how could I not be? I got something like 2-2.5 hours sleep the previous night. Boy, that was a night. After a much anticipated trip I go to pick you up and we drive up. We're not here more than just a few seconds before you talk about how much you like this place. After we settle in a little we head out to the hot tub. You're a little high and I'm loving being away with you. In the hot tub we get more than a bit frisky and you end up suggesting that we move inside. Then you tell me tonight that the trek inside from the hot-tub didn't have anything to do with you being too hot, like you claimed ... it was due to the sex feeling uncomfortable given the lack of natural lubrication. That likely explains why the night ended the way it did. With you chastising me for setting a goal for us getting into the hot tub 4 times before we leave. It was a simple goal, something lose, but you made it into a big deal. You completely killed my desire to have sex with that. I laid in bed next to you experiencing two sensations I almost never feel...a) an anti-desire to do anything with you sexual that night, as well as thinking I won't bother trying to instigate anything sexual for the remainder of the trip, and b) the pain of blue-ball from my previous arousal and lack of release. I can say, I'd honestly forgotten how badly blue-ball hurts, but I laid there preoccupied with how is it that you can take such a simple matter and turn it into something negative. Trust me, I'm all for you speaking your mind, for letting me know how you feel, what you think, what you like and dislike...but...at times it borders on, and other times and races past the border and refuses to stop at being selfish. There's an awful lot of "I" in what you say, in what you think, and it's so often tied up in the moment, the emotion at the time. Last night you talked about how you hated that I planned all the time, that you wanted to just relax, go with the flow. The problem is, I've been trying to reconcile all the things that you've told me since we've been together as if they were all true. The difficulty in that is that...they're not. You've told me about how you wanted to go on a trip with my sister because she plans so much...you want someone to tell you what to do and when...and that would relieve all your stress. You've talked extensively about how you wished you had a life coach, or a manual, to tell you what to do and when, what steps to take, what path to follow, then you wouldn't be so lost and you could simply live knowing what to do and what was expected. However, when I give a simple goal of...lets try to get in the hot tub 4 times while we're here...it turns into a .... I hate all the planning, it makes it seem like work, it stresses me out, I can't relax because of the goals and tasks, etc. And it's not just this time, it's other times I've tried to plan and set goals or activities that stress you out and overwhelm you. -- In the shower this morning, I guess my mind had had time to think about things and it dawned on me as clear as the sun on a cloudless day...why is it that I started planning so much. Why it was that I became so set on having plans, backup plans, activities, goals, things to do....it was because of you. On Valentine's Day this year we went out to eat. We were suppose to go out to Dragonfly...however, they were closed on one of the biggest food nights of the year (WTF?). That stressed you some...but no big deal...we'd simply go to the next night's restaurant....nope, that place had closed down (double WTF). At that point you were all but begging to go back to the room, to give up, to call the whole week a loss and pack everything in. I tried to remain calm, collected, in-charge, but you wanted nothing to do with it. I told you it was no big deal, we'd simply go to PF Changs and eat. You had a pretty lousy time and the rest of the week suffered. Soon after that trip you ended things with me. -- While on that trip you brought up several times how disappointed you were in me...that I was normally so organized, had planned so well and you didn't feel like I was trying, like I was half-assing it. Again, you beat this topic home...that my lack of planning (although, in my defense..who calls restaurants to ask if they'll be open on V-day, or to verify that they haven't closed down?) was a huge disappointment and you expected, that you needed it and anything less that all that planning would be seen as not caring. -- I tried to tell you several times that trip that my whole plan was...dinners, broadway show, a sexy night in your new lingerie and just relaxing...that I didn't want to over-plan b/c I knew we'd be busy, that you I wanted you to relax...but all that fell on deaf ears and was rewarded with more chastisements. That instance, that week made such a profound impact on me that since then I've become all but obsessed with having plans for what we do, backup plans, goals to make sure we're on target, to make sure we're having fun. -- The problem is....you only want that...when it suits you. You have expectations of how things are going to go and when they're not met you shut down, the blame game starts and everything falls apart. It could be I've overplanned, it could be that I've underplanned. That something happened too quick or not quick enough. You may say you want something then two hours later it's not true in the slightest. -- It's hit me hard this trip that you really need to learn to loosen up, to learn to go with the flow. When something doesn't go the way it was planned in your mind.....it's great you feel like you can speak up and voice your displeasure...but it's often appropriate to simply let it go and not let it bother you. -- I'm not saying you should bury your feelings and not stand up for yourself...but...not everything is a catastrophic situation about to engulf the universe in a blanket of blarg and dirty socks. Much of what bothers you, a lot of your stress is brought on by yourself. If you'd learn to let some things go, to not let everything get under your oh so soft and nice to touch skin...I think you'd do better. -- I know there are tons of times you don't speak up, but that doesn't mean you're still not thinking about it, that it's still not dwelling on it. -- Yes, I need to learn to speak up more for myself, but you need to learn to let go more. -- The whole situation with the numbers of the hot tub could have been handled in so many different ways.....you could have said "ok" and then just let it go and if it happened great, if not who cares....you could have tabled the discussion to another time or in the morning, you could have said something about it without making it such an attack (such as: "you know, i'd like that. i think we do need to enjoy the hot tub while we're here, and we will, but lets not focus on a number" vs "i hate when you do that, why must you put a number on everything and ruin it, it really stresses me out and makes it seem like work and i dread it, why do you do that all the time to me?"), you could have even embraced the situation and made it into a fun game, treating it as a good thing, not a negative (such as: "ok, but if we do that then i expect to streak around the cabin after we get out the 4th time. deal?") --- there are obviously other ways, but those are just the ones off the top of my head. -- it turned it into a stressful situation for you I'm sure, it killed my mood and ruined the rest of my night, spilled over into today and it was completely unnecessary. -- Learn to let go ... your own health will thank you for it later and your emotional well-being I think will pick up too.

Here's the irony though. You speak up all the time but I've never felt like I could, not with you. I spend so much time walking on mental egg-shells around you that I don't know what to do anymore. You've left and ended things with me so many times that I'm literally scared of speaking up or speaking out in fear that it'd give you a reason to leave or to think I'm anything less than wonderful. -- This trip I've done a little joking with you...and let me tell you...it's not gone well. You made a threat to me in the restaurant tonight and I joked back that I knew you wouldn't, which was promptly countered with a "keep pushing me". You were obviously feeling a lot more stress and frustration than I was. I was trying to keep things light, to get you to loosen up and enjoy the situation even though we were with redneck trailer trash girls and their welfare babies. -- You LET them rob you of your evening out with me. You could have decided to just say...fuck it....we're out of town, I don't live here, I don't know these people, I'm out with the guy I love, I'm going to enjoy myself despite these people, this place, these cramps....but...you let yourself get caught up in small things, in minor annoyances until it escalated until you couldn't enjoy yourself and I personally believe...until you gave yourself a migrane. (FYI: -- I just got finished looking up dining etiquette...and... "When it is time to sit down, allow your date to follow the host or hostess first" ... Now, even if I had been wrong about that, it was such a minor point that you didn't need to fight and make a big deal of it going on about how if a guy is really in charge then he goes first....this was suppose to be an evening of fun, of romance, a chance for us to just enjoy yourself and it felt like you were looking for a fight, that you were looking to be contrary and have something get you down. Maybe you were ticked I turned left and not right...but seriously ...you have to let things go and relax. Things in life rarely go the way you plan and if you let every little "you should have listened to me...now turn here...why didn't you turn...do you want me to drive b/c you obviously don't know what you're doing" moment then I have my doubts as to whether you'll ever be truly happy, for any extended period of time anyways.)

Ok...I diverged paths there a bit....but no, I don't feel like I can talk openly to you...whether it's to express a concern, a feeling, a disappointment, a problem in my life....anything that distracts from being awesome and wonderful gives you another potential reason to leave. -- Take the trip down and tonight for a good example. -- On the way down you asked about the baby I gave an answer and was done but you kept asking so I kept talking, figuring it was ok. Then it became too much and you let it impact part of the trip and really got you down. -- I'd have never brought the baby up if you hadn't done it...I know it's one of those taboo topics. However, you bring up William and other guys you go out with like it's no big deal. I can't tell you the number of times you've brought William up on this trip alone...sexual habits, things you did together, what you're going to do, what he does for a living, more things you did together, more sexual stuff, more more more...even going so far as to pull up his facebook page while on the bed with me next to you. --- I made a very conscious effort when I pulled up the laptop (and I only did so b/c you were on for so long) to click on the zynga toolbar and load my game without even going into facebook. Why? Because I didn't want to subject you to anything from my personal page or the pages of people I know, even on accident...and I'd sure as hell never would have pulled up her page and started looking at it or started flipping through baby-pics with you right there next to me. -- What makes you think what you did as ok when if I'd done the exact same thing you'd flipped out? -- It's not even just her...I pulled up pics on time of an ex, talked about her and you quickly shut me down because if made you feel uneasy....but I only did that in response to what you'd been doing all night to me. -- I really do feel like we follow very different rules and standards for what is allowed. -- Yes, you've told me in the past that I can talk about whatever I want, if I need to talk I can, that I can blah blah blah....but...that has been revoked via actions and words 10x more than permission has been given.....I feel like any "you have permission to..." lasts only for that time you're saying it and it still might get cut short.

It's getting hard to keep up with the ever changing expectations, wants and desires. I feel like you're quick to criticize me and to tell me how I could be better, what I should be doing, how this or that annoys you ... how one moment you want A and the next A will make mad. -- There's no real point to this entry. There's no governing thought....just a collection of thoughts as I'm staying up...unable to touch you, even to cuddle...on what has become and will likely remain a sexless, intimate-less trip (sorry, but hot-tub fooling around ceases to count as sex when it ends with tongue lashing and blue-ball). Funny...even when I started wondering if you'd be on your period this trip I never expected things to turn out like this.....I still imagined us close, having fun and being intimate...even if it was sexless.. Instead of Annie, it appears on this trip I've brought the jellyfish.

Church of the Radio

2011-10-24T02:30:00.000-04:00

There's a lot that's been going through my head these past few days, but I'll hit on only one thing as it's late and I really should be getting to bed.

Earlier today (yesterday really) you TXTed saying your depression was getting worse and that you had another migraine. When you're having days like this, when you need a boost...people turn different places. For a lot of people they'd turn to religion, their faith...as a way to help dig out of somewhere they didn't wish to be. -- You confided the other day that for you....music is your religion.

So now i ask....on a day when you're feeling down, when depression is coming through the door despite your best efforts to keep it out, what sermon, in song form, would best minister to your soul? What would you turn to on a day like today? What are you naturally drawn to, even if it only helps bring you deeper in? -- What is it that you use to minister to yourself on a time such as this????

Coffe, Tea of Tent

2011-10-09T07:31:00.000-04:00

The other day I met you at the Library where you grabbed a coffee, sat with me on a couch and did some planking. There was something that struck me about that day, something I liked more than I thought I would. What was it? It was when that guy came up that knew you, talked about the rave he was going to. I received a rare look at how you interact with friends. You were funny, spontaneous, witty, clever and cute as all hell. You just joked, asking him if he had a tarp....if he had 2 tarps....if he could hire someone to be his tent posts and hold his tarps.

That quick interaction made me realize...there's a whole side to your life I don't know....and a side of mine you don't know. When I see you, if someone is around it's someone like a roommate. There's not a lot of interaction with other people. I realize that even if we were around other people it wouldn't be the same as seeing you when I'm not around. The very fact I'm there makes you different, it changes your focus, your view, your personality. It's that whole principle that states...the act of observing changes what you observe. But I would like to see it. I'd like to know what you're like when I'm not around, I want to see you with friends.

In that mindset, you don't know what I'm like either. Yes, I've interacted with some of your friends, but it's always brief .... and no offense to the people that use to hang out at your last apartment ... but most of them were immature potheads. You probably received a brief look at me with your new roomie. She's closer to my age than yours so we have some similar experiences right there, feeling out her personality quickly I felt like I knew enough to joke and just have fun w/o some of the awkwardness I've sometimes felt with other people you know that I've met....it was likely a slightly different interaction than you've seen me do.

I could go on I think you get the point. As much as I claim to know you, as much as you know me...there's still an entire area of each other's life I hope to explore and unfold. This all goes back and feed into your recent statements of wanting me to be a bigger part of your life ... if you doubt that is something I want ... I offer this as my similar statement (although I hadn't thought about it like that until I started writing). I want to see you with friends, I want to see how you interact with others more, I want to see how you handle the social situation of being out w/ someone when you run into friends. You need to see me interacting with people in a relaxed and fun environment. You need to see me all scientific and nerdy, joking and stupid, getting neck deep into something...and even...situations in which I withdraw and stay quiet. Oh yes, it does happen...there are a few situations and circumstances in which I will withdraw...even I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer, feel inadequate, feel awkward, simply wish to leave. -- But you need to see that all......I'm excited more than ever that as much as I know about you that there is an entire area and side of your life that needs to be undressed.....

Stuff Me Baby

2011-10-04T00:46:00.003-04:00

Shortly after we met you use to come over to my place. We'd sit on the couch, watch Aqua Teen, Jose and the PussyCats or some other show on TV or Netflix. We'd lay there pantsless watching TV, cuddling and eating stuffed crust pizza. Some days there'd be pic taking of you in panties, some times there'd be naughtiness as well. -- I remember those days ... how happy a simple pizza with cheese in the crust would make you, how a bottle of Pacific Rim Riesling would be the highlight of your week. -- When I look back at pics of you that we took, part of why I like them so much isn't b/c they're overly naughty ... it's because you looked so happy. Your smile would brighten my day, your happiness and joy is what I lived for and looked forward to. My love affair with making you happy, of being what you needed, of providing for you started way back then. From almost day one, from that time on the couch, to the time spent on the deck/balcony where we talked and danced...I derived such fulfillment from being what it is that you need.....and to this day, that desire, that longing, that wish hasn't degraded one solitary bit.

Bad is bad, Good is good. Any questions?

2011-09-30T17:51:00.000-04:00

After all this time Annie may have finally learned something.

For so long Annie has tried to motivate, or control or guide or direct or any of those other words ... me by making me jealous, doing something I might not like or want. The idea is, I'll spring into action like a tiger chasing a wounded gazelle or a 50-yr old man w/ a pocket full of viagra when he hears the girl say "I'm soooo drunk" at a bar. The problem is....that doesn't work with me. Ok, maybe it does some, but not much, not often and certainly not well. Instead of stepping up, doing the "hands off my woman" and punching the guy in the face, I'm more likely to withdraw, to get angry, to say...."if that is what you want then fine" (but not in a sweet voice). I am not a negatively motivated person. If you want to encourage me to do more, to go further, to really be amazing and awesome...then that's what you need to be to me. -- Here's the thing...I know I'm good to Annie. I know how much I care for her, I know what I do, I know the things I do that she doesn't know, I know how I feel about her....so when she responds with something negative, something to make me jealous, something contrary to what I've been doing...then my instinct isn't to say "I guess I haven't done enough", it's to respond with a "I guess I'm not enough" or "I'm not what she wants" or "what I do doesn't matter". It'd be one thing if I was bad to her, if I was a jerk, if I did something that deserved some form of what I'll call negative behavior (even if that's just trying to make me jealous)...and yes...since virtually day 1 she's liked to do little things to try and make me jealous. I honestly think she believes that making me jealous is somehow justified and will spur me into a more favorable action. It doesn't.

She finally picked up on this on Wednesday after I brought her Thai food. While driving back from up north she jokingly told me to stop txting unless I was offering to bring her dinner b/c I was disturbing her studying. 30-minutes later I was pulling up at her place w/ some Thai take-out that was eaten in the romantic spot of a picnic table behind a clinic in a shopping center parking lot. She commented about how all she has to do is really just halfway mention something and I'm normally right there doing it. This led to a short conversation...but the end result is my point...if you want to encourage me, if you want to direct, motivate, compel or anything else...then be good. I'm positively motivated. The better you are the me, the more things you do, the more things you offer, the sweeter you are, the more I feel loved and cared for and wanted and desired and relied on and and and...the more I will do, the more I will want to do, the further I'll want to go. Be my friend and I'll be a better friend. Treat me like your best friend and you'll be put in a place of honor. Put me in a place of honor and you'll find yourself a queen. Treat me like a king and there's no telling how far I'll go.

It's been a year and a half....but.....I think she may be starting to get it :-)

Asian Massage Parlor

2011-09-29T11:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I received an email from Annie imploring that I a) fix the formatting on this blog b) keep posting updates. In short, she likes seeing updates, even if they make her sad.

My reply to that should be obvious, as I'm writing something now. Here's the thing though. I don't tend to update this so often when we're talking b/c....we're talking. It's when we're not talking or if there's something that I feel I can't, or shouldn't, say that I tend to come here and write. I know I know I know, that wasn't the intent of this blog, but it is what seems to happen, for better or for worse. Right now we're in a good place. We're talking, we're friends, we're building a nice solid foundation and not really holding a lot back. I like the fact that I am telling you more things than I normally would. That I'm letting you in on some of my more hidden parts. That you're telling me things, even if you don't think I might want to hear them. In general, if there's something I'm wanting to convey...I can tell you. -- The thing is....you're my best friend. You're more than that...quite a bit more actually. However...I will say this...this update road goes both ways. I check your blog frequently, your twitter page....and it's been nearly 2 months and 1 month since they've seen an update. So, if you're looking for an extra big tip from me...I might ask for a bit of special attention too. -- You know how this works.... Oh yeah....and I'm not a cop.

Role Model

2011-09-12T22:47:00.000-04:00

I know I rarely talk about the baby, but I'm breaking that normal silence.

I told you recently that ever since birth I've called her "hey yo girl" when I want her attention, want her to come to me or anything like that. I say it b/c of you. I started the Regina Spekor Pandora station on my phone because I like the music, because it reminds me of you too. Since creating it I give the phone to the baby to carry around because she likes music. I want her exposed to good music and not just the top 40 crap or the pure country influx that she'd be exposed to if I wasn't around. To quiet her down as a young baby I'd pull up youtube videos of Lady Gaga and Cee Lo b/c they were vids you'd shown me.

Over the near year it's been, I've done little things, big things...large gestures, overt moves and tiny little prepatory tasks in hopes that she grows up to be as wonderful as you. You have a caring giving heart. You're your own person. You break some of the societal norms. You have a variety of interests...from music, languages, to crafts to games. You don't mind taking risks (safely) and trying new things. When you're happy you are happier than anyone
on the face of the earth. I hope doesn't sound too weird but...in many ways...I want her to be like you...and if I have my way...your influence will always be seen in her life.

Like a Medicine

2011-09-04T22:43:00.002-04:00

At this point Annie has dropped the guy she was seeing. The quick background is....
She began seeing William, turns out William had been cheating on her the entire time. He told her and they parted ways and once again she entered my life. We began talking and even saw each other a few times. While in NC he contacted her again and talked his way back into her life. She wasn't sure if she could trust him or not but longed for someone to be with, to help pass the time with, so she wouldn't be so alone. She did; however, withhold sex while she tried to figure out what she wanted. During this time things began to seem forced, not as easy as they were. He began looking at other girls, openly and commenting on how he wanted sex, etc. Last Wednesday I went over to Annie's in the evening. We hung out, talked about her and William and I spent the night. We discussed what she should do and she decided to tell him "I don't want to lead you on but I'm unsure what I want with you right now". She agreed to let him start touching her again, but that night he began spanking her...hard...with her saying "ow" and "stop", but he didn't. Finally he got the message and pulled a whole "I'm a jerk, such a bad person", etc type thing...generally guilting her into feeling bad and forgiving him, much like her dad had done. She woke up the next morning and it was clear to her...that it just wasn't going to work, so she ended things.

Now that the Reader's Digest is done I can get to the real purpose of this post....I suffer from allergies...I hate it. After the hurricane that struck the East Coast my sinuses have been going nuts. Today I started noting pressure in the neck, side of the face and near-ish the ear. This means...infection. Crap. The longer the day goes on the worse it gets. I'm out w/ out of town family and I'm wanting to just go home. I don't like going to the doctor but I decide that I need to go. Much to my surprise, while I'm getting looked at I hear from Annie asking if she can see me. After I do, I actually start feeling better. I go to see her. I cough a few times while there, but nothing like I have been. At one point I start feeling like maybe I'll feel bad but I don't want it to ruin my time with her so I tell myself "no" and...I don't. We eat a nice lunch she made. We watch a show and cuddle some in her bed. I leave and I'm not 5-minutes down the road when the coughing starts back up...and by the time I'm home the neck/jaw/ear aches are back. Before long it's moved up to a headache as well and I'm taking Excedrin in hopes of salvaging the rest of the day.

The thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened. I've noticed before that my body responds to Annie favorably...and more than just sexually (although the fact that she triggered a sexual response today given how I'd felt earlier is quite impressive). If I'm feeling bad, if there's something wrong, it normally doesn't bother me, or nearly as much, just being around her. I've noticed that things you can't really control will change sometimes just being near her. It's as if my body wants every moment with her to be as pleasant and memorable as possible...so if something will detract from my experience or from hers, then it adjusts. -- Now, if there was only some way to bottle whatever it is that causes things to get instantly better...then we might just end up with a cure for cancer.

Like Pants That Got Hung on a Nail....I'm Torn

2011-08-27T07:39:00.000-04:00

Roughly 2 weeks ago I preemptively started a blog post that I hoped I'd never post. Last night I went back and added to it but didn't post the result. Earlier today I decided it was too much so I started a new one trying to tone things down, but by the time I was finished I was pretty sure I'd failed....so I held off. This is now attempt 3 and I'm trying a completely different approach...

You've told me before that I don't stand up for myself, that if I don't like something, that if something bugs me then I should speak up and not just take it ... but in this case it deals with you, so now I'm torn b/c I don't like saying/thinking about anything negative about you. So do I take your advice and speak my mind or do I say...it doesn't really matter...then just move on? Do I want to use this as my own personal place to vent or do I want to stop straying from the original purpose of this blog and keep the focus on things I'd like Annie to remember about us...whether we were dating at the time or not?

The thing is, I can't say it doesn't matter, b/c it obviously does.....to me at least, and isn't that when I'm suppose to not hold in..isn't that when I'm suppose to talk about what is bugging me...or else nothing changes, b/c the other person may not even know? I've told myself several times not to post anything, to let it go ... but every time I'm about to I go right back to...that's what I always do, and if you keep doing what you always do then nothing will ever change. I'm not talking about specifically with you, I'm talking about "in general", with me, with my life. If I never change what I'm doing then nothing in my life will change...so how can I recognize I'm about to fall into the same pattern and not do something different? -- Finding the balance is another hard part. The two posts I've created I basically got on a roll and kept going and might have been too much (although it didn't feel like it at the time). If I wait and decide to make it more real time (chat or in person) I'll likely back way off until it's a mere shadow of what I really wanted to say. Now I'm searching the box to see where do I set the dial so I don't have brick-like brownies or a runny mess that you can't even pick up?

The conclusion I think I've come to is ...this entry is long enough as it is so I'm not going to make it any longer by going into things other than to simply say ... I am disappointed ... and we can discuss later if you like. -- Until then.... enjoy the rain that the hurricane is sure to bring .. oh...and watch out for lose nails.

I'm surprised I can swim because I am so dense

2011-08-24T06:54:00.000-04:00

Despite my best intentions...based on your reaction today i wonder if my little token gift to you today was in bad taste.

For those not knowing what I am talking about, and in case this is ever re-read by Molly or myself and we're left thinking...WTF??? ... I'll explain.

Last week I was back in the beach area where I took Annie as a birthday gift. While I was back down there I had wanted to get over to Blue Moon and pick her up a little gift, something letting her know I was thinking of her, a gift from the store she loved so well, a token gesture between FWEB. The week started off slow and then the guy that was out on disability came back to work and I was thrust into "training" mode...literally spending 2hrs doing what I could normally do in 10-minutes. With him back my free time went boom and I never made it out to Blue Moon...even to get the picture for the blog post. -- Ok, back on track now .. early in the week I ran across this little travel set of bathroom stuff (shampoo, conditioner, lotion, bath-stuff). It was a pretty blue, had it's own little holder and was small. Annie loves small stuff. The lids looked like they'd be easily refillable and so I picked it up.

I purchased this right on the heels of Annie having an unexpected night away with a SA meet-up. She'd thought that she wouldn't spend the night but for whatever reason or circumstances she decided to. My motives and thoughts were pure ... that if she was going to do this SA thing ... whether I think it's healthy for her or not, I should at least be supportive...and I've been trying to be. We'd just recently talked about getting her some pepper-spray and this cute little bathroom set, in their small little containers, looked like something Annie might like (although her eyes are still a prettier shade of blue).

My thought and belief at the time was ... it was a gesture of ... I was thinking of you ... it's something small and cute ... you have something other than those large bottles of shampoo you can travel with now for lighter/easier packing .... and yes ... it's something you can take with you just in case you have an unexpected overnight stay somewhere again.

I don't think Annie was horribly offended by the gift but when she heard me comment about having it for overnight stays ... she immediately got the reference and dawned a look of "very funny, haha". I don't know why I didn't expect that reaction....I guess sometimes I live in the guy-bubble ... After a trip back to the area we last went together, that wasn't the time for a practical gift, a token showing that I would always do my best to support her ... this was more of a situation where the message of "I was thinking of you" should have been the main theme. --- I'll blame it on the guy coming back to work...b/c if he hadn't I'd made it to Blue Moon and there'd been 2 gifts...one in support ...on "real" gift. -- So I apologize for having such an ill-timed gift. I think perhaps it'd been better received if I'd given it to you in a different fashion. Instead of telling you about it beforehand ... just giving it to you the next time I was over at your place ... more of a ... oh by the way ... it might not have carried the expectation of "ooh, he got me something". -- So again, I am sorry for being dense and for not having a more appropriate gift ... if there's a next time ... I'll do better.

I will end by saying ... I really liked that you wore your "I like it" ring out today....it looks good on you. -- Seeing you in it means a lot. -- And I'm glad the matryoshka lip gloss is still around ... it is really nice to see you with little things that reminds me of our time together and all the things we shared. -- At times I may be a guy, I may be denser than Osmium ... but I will never want anything for you other than what is going to be best for you and for your happiness

My Mother's Sister

2011-08-21T23:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so my mom only has brother, but there's no common reference for an Uncle Flo.

At this point, Annie still doesn't fully understand. On Friday she asked me to come over on Monday morning. There was no mentioned planned of events other than her possibly making coffee and cuddling. She admitted she missed that...and I concurred. Tonight she said she had to cancel tomorrow due to her mom's sister visiting. I do honestly believe it b/c the time-frame is about right remembering back to how on the beach trip she just getting over that. -- I know first hand how uncomfortable and overall blah that can make a girl so I'm the last to push her into doing anything...including leaving the bed...during that time if she doesn't feel like it. -- Annie does sometimes have some uncomfortableness, but it's normally only in the first day or so ... so if it's just starting it could be that. However, if Annie canceled me coming by simply b/c she wouldn't feel like having sex, then she's missed the point. I of course enjoy seeing her regardless of the "nature" of my visit. Even when we were together, the majority of our time together wasn't sexual. Maybe that's how she sees our relationship now ... no visits w/o sex ... but if she thinks that's the only reason I'd want to see her, if she thinks that is the only thing that I'd like, that I wouldn't like to just hang out, cuddle, watch a show, go to the rocks, head out to do something...anything...then she's mistaken and missed the whole point of being friends. Of course I like sex, of course I'd never turn her down in that area and I'll always want it w/ her ... but ... I know and understand that there's more to Annie than just that and I am ok with us not being all sexual all the time .. and surely she knows that I could have gotten there and she could have said "not today" and I wouldn't have thrown a fit or left upset ... seeing her is what I miss most .. and if she hasn't grasped that yet then maybe she needs for familial advice from her aunt.....

The clock is a time machine OR the equation revealed

2011-08-17T09:24:00.001-04:00

I know that in reality this blog entry is probably too late, that you've likely already made your decision to talk to William or not. I understand the want, the desire to talk with him, to find out what went on. He left you with a hole. Yes, you admit that you weren't "his" that you liked him but so much, that you didn't see a future with him which is why you had no problem cheating on him while you were together. ... But the fact is, he left you ... and that makes all the difference in the world. I've theorized for a long while that if it was ever I that ended things with you then "getting you back" would be much easier .. b/c it's the person that ends a relationship that has all the power and even when you think it should end, if someone ends it for you, you're left in a position of forced submission and almost always that leaves you open to returning to what you had, even if you didn't want it. -- His ending things with you of course means that you're willing to reconsider going back to something you weren't sold on in the first place. Worse than simply being interested...I think if you talk w/ him he'll smooth talk himself back into your life and it'll hurt you more in the end and you'll have wasted time you could have spend looking for a "good" relationship.

As I mentioned before, I've "seen" this guy before. My sister dated her own Williams for years (dated one, married the other). I've had a couple of friends that have had their own "William". From all the talks/stories/advice that's gone on w/ the other Williams, let me tell you how things likely go, b/c it's almost always the same. I swear, I think there's a book or a web-site they visit.

Well, we know how things went ... and what I don't know I'll infer based on my previous experience. -- Parts of him were crazy passionate, sexy ... at times he was the sweetest guy on earth, buying you things, making gestures like making dinners, hanging out at one of your places, just being this other guy. But he also kept you at a distance. At times he was unavailable, you met few of his friends, he chose others before you, left you feeling rejected sometimes which only made you want him more. He acted in sudden ways...he'd hold back affection and would suddenly make an unexpected leap like....I might want to be your b/f. -- All of this was happening while he was entertaining the interest of another. Someone he wanted to get to know, to see if it'd work out and he didn't feel bad at all fucking her while he was fucking you. Some catalyst then triggered him to leave you and you were left devastated.

Time has now past and he's contacting you again. Here is how the conversation goes...Oh Annie, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I was so horrible to you I don't know why you'd even want to talk with me. I can't believe I did that, I'm the scum of the earth, I don't deserve someone as amazing as you. You should hate me, spit on me, call me names, I'm a bad bad bad person and I did you so wrong. I don't blame you for never forgiving me. But I can't stop thinking about you, you're all I can think about. If I didn't care for you so much I wouldn't be here now. I don't want her, I want you. I never should have done it, but I never expect you to forgive me. I know you have no reason to trust me but I'm being honest with you now. I just want to talk with you, but I don't suspect you'll want even that, but I want you that much. --

It's the putting down of himself, the telling you that you shouldn't forgive, the supposed openness and honesty of his words that draws you back in. He puts down what he did, how he treated you so much, he claims you should never forgive and states what a horrible person he is...you should believe him and walk away at that point. If you don't, the words continue and the "buts" start. The "buts" talk about how much he wants you, how much he misses you. Then...and this always makes the scenario ... when you start showing signs of weakness, of maybe opening up b/c you haven't tossed his ass to the door ... he starts talking about the future. He brings up all the things you all never did, that you talked about and how he wants them now. He starts making the promises or hinting at all those things he held back before ... and that normally means... a commitment ... whether marriage or b/f status ... whatever it is that he wouldn't offer before, now he longs for that. You'll meet his friends, he'll be there for you, he paints the picture of what could be,what you only once dreamed of ... but it's all a mirage designed to get the thirsty traveler crawling out deeper into the desert. -- If you let him talk he'll suck you in...you were hurt, there was a void and you're hearing what you wanted so it's easy to believe b/c it's all designed to bring you back. If he really felt sorry, if he really felt bad he wouldn't be trying to force his way back into your life. The fact that you're in control of the situation is also a false notion, he's driving it all. -- If you let him back into your life, things will be good. The things he promised will come true. He'll be the perfect guy. -- I can't tell you the number of times I talked w/ my sister, the conversations where she went on for hours about what a horrible guy he was, pointing out all the things that made him bad/evil, all the ways he hurt her (and her kids), all the ..everything ... and then...days later they were back together, she was singing his praises and making excuses for the past...talking about how he's changed, how things are so great. -- The fact is...people don't change that easily. He doesn't go from...thinking so little of you that he'd be willing to lie to you, to run around on you and then being the perfect guy in a couple of weeks. He didn't even wait long into your relationship before he started doing all that. -- Personally, I don't anticipate that he'll start seeing someone else that quickly...he has to bring you back in, get you comfortable again. He has to be your everything so you let your guard back down. -- It never lasts though. I've never once seen it last. Sometimes it goes on longer than others, but at some point...the same personality issues that caused him to lie to you pop right back up. It only takes one situation and he'll do it again.

He's a player and a manipulator. He's probably quite good at it ... most are. He'll balance the right about of talking down about himself, telling you to be angry, how bad he was to you...with the sweet ... "i want you", "i'm sorry", "i don't deserve you", "i just want to talk/be your friend" and finishing with all those promises you wished he'd made of followed through on. -- That's the 3-step equation of getting a girl back you left, that's the plan, that's the pattern. -- Frankly, I'm glad this blog doesn't get more traffic b/c there are probably guys world-wide that would kill me for spelling this out for you like this. It is an established routine used by William's all over the world ... and it's used b/c ... it works. Don't believe me? Think of movies, books, tv shows...tell me if you don't remember the "I did you wrong baby, and you've got every reason to be mad at me. But I love you, I miss you, I can't stop thinking about you. I'll buy you that big house, I'll take you on that trip to Europe (and if she doubts his sincerity) ... here, I brought a ring (get down on one knee)". -- If you let him talk, if you meet up ... the odds of you escaping are low. He'll charm you back in, taking you in deeper...but will leave you more hurt when his true player nature comes through next ... and that's what the movies/tv/books don't show ... they stop at getting back together, they don't show the pattern that follows. He will keep this up as long as you let him and frankly....as your friend... you need to break the cycle before it starts, or you get too deep. -- I know he'll seem sincere, you'll think you're being skeptical, that you're watching him closely, that you're in control...but he isn't and you're not x3.

I have to run out for work now so I can't continue this, but I think you get the point. I realize that you've likely made your decision already on whether or not to answer his txts .. but ... maybe if you see this I can spare you heart-ache and wasted time. -- After all ... isn't that why you left me? Because you were afraid staying w/ me would simply lead to more heart-ache and time wasted when you could be in a "real" relationship??? -- William is worse ... b/c ... he carries the appearance of being a real relationship, someone you could end up with ... but in the end he's less available and more dangerous than I ever was ... b/c ... he's already proven he'll lie and cheat on you (I do have to tell you why he told you about that. I only see 2 reasons: 1) he was tired of you and wanted her exclusively 2) he was forced to for some reason ... I highly highly highly doubt it was b/c he simply wanted to be honest with you, Williams never want to expose their misdeeds unless they see no other option or it's part of a manipulation tactic (ie. to hurt you)) ... I mean this with all sincerity ... how ever bad you think I was for you, however much of a time waste and potentially scarring relationship I was for you ... he is now and will continue to be worse. I want you happy, I want you with someone that will treat you like a princess (ok, maybe a princess with a kinky side) ... but that won't be with "A William". -- I've said my thoughts ... even though they probably come after the point where you've decided whether or not to answer him ... but I've said them anyways...now it's up to you if you want a trip through the endlessly looping time-machine

Our Last Trip? Revisited

2011-08-16T09:09:00.000-04:00

I've posted several times before about a non-work, strictly fun trip that Annie and I went on. Most of what I've posted hasn't been done in such a good light. I've mentioned that I had such high hopes for the trip, that I wanted it to be a turning point for us but instead it ushered in the end. All of that is true, but time has past and the gaping pain and hurt that once was felt no longer is at the forefront of my memory. I am back down in the same area again...this time on business, and instead of pain, hurt, being owed and cheated...I find myself longing. Longing for those days again and wishing she was here with me. I consider it a good thing that I no longer see this area, that I no longer think of that trip as such a sore painful point. The fact I'm feeling a desire for her to be here, missing her even...says a lot....and in a good way. Why? If we're ever going to be friends, fwb, fweb or fwb+ ... then it can't be while holding on to such pains.

I took several hours out of my day today to tun around and take a series of pics of many the places we went while down here. Highlights of our trip if you would. I combined them with a few of the pics that were taken when we were together and put them in an album which is shared below as kind of a visual blog of our trip. Putting them all together I now realize I am missing a few pics (specially i'm thinking of pics I took of Annie on her cell phone or camera on the beach. If I'm missing those then I have to think maybe I'm missing some others too).

A basic outline of our trip was:
Sunday: Drive down late and move in
Monday: Met with Amber for lunch at Mellow Mushroom, went strap-on shopping, had sex on the lanai, made a basil pasta dinner, went roller skating
Tuesday: Went to the beach for topless sunbathing, lunch with Amber at Tokyo LOL, 3-some sex, Greek Chicken Casserole for dinner, funny and scary movies, early bed for Annie
Wednesday: Breakfast at Waffle House, Massages at the mall, back to Tokyo LOL, failed karaoke, night on the beach, smoking on the lanai,
Thursday: Movies, Geocaches, movies/wii, Stuffed Peppers, late-night beach walk, candle-light massage
Friday: Almost-sunrise, arboretum visit, Mellow-Mushroom part 2, Chuck E Cheese, Blue Moon Gifts

A few things of note.

Outside the house there was an outdoor shower of sorts. Annie did shower naked out there once...kinda. The water was so cold she didn't last long. There are no pics of it but there is some video.
Annie enjoyed shopping down here. In the Food Lion she kept getting checked out by other guys, older and her age....a few not hiding their interest at all. Being seen as eye-candy, it really brightened her day.
For the strap-on shopping we went 3 different places. Adam and Eve was a huge disappointment. Huge store, little product. In the end, the strap on really wasn't used
While roller skating I think I came dangerous close to embarrassing Annie as I kept wanting to "dance" while skating
The same pizza was bought both times at Mellow Mushroom: Red Skin Potato Pie, made with a gluten free crust
Karaoke was foiled at Tokyo LOL due to a soy-sauce and white shirt mix-up. I was unsure of the Thurs night karaoke option and it turns out the night was moved to Wednesday, so we missed it altogether. Technically we could have gone on Tuesday, but that was 3-some night
At Waffle House there was a man speaking Russian, and that tended to really turn Annie on
Annie was sent out onto the porch one night, asked to smoke some, then came in to the bedroom covered in candles so she could receive a massage courtesy of me. I'd asked my massage person the previous day to give me a few pointers, which I began to put into practice
Annie was not a fan of Geocaching. It didn't help that the first cache was "missing", the pier one was likely out in the water and one in the woods w/ poor GPS coverage and coordinates...so it turned into mostly searching w/ only one find.....and when you're new to geocaching, finds are key to interest.
One night on the beach I almost lost my glasses. Luckily thanks to the dog's leash-light they were found
The two drinks of choice this week were Reisling and Pain Killers (coconut rum, coconut, pineapple juice, OJ, nutmeg).
At Blue Moon Gifts, Annie fell in love with the place, as I knew she would. She could have spent a fortune there. I wanted to get her a remembrance, and nothing seemed more fitting than to give her a ring with the note "I like it".

Wilmington Trip

Sometimes it's easier....

2011-08-14T14:52:00.000-04:00

I spoke to Annie on the phone ever so briefly a little bit ago. I'm staying at the beach for the week. The same beach we went to not too long back, only this time it is QUITE different.

Last trip was designed for fun. This one is work. Thanks to a guy being out on disability my manager asked if I wanted to go to the beach for a week to cover his area. I said 'yes'. I'm not down here alone, and for a while I thought I might just end up running down here myself afraid I'd end up hurting someone if I didn't. The long story short is...I probably spent 10-hours trying to find a suitable place. First it was...I don't want to go. Then it was...I was to bring a friend (sister-in-law and her 2 kids: age 3/5). Then it was I don't want the place you found. Then it was, that place doesn't have a pool. Then it was, I want a hotel. Then it was, the hotel needs to be on the beach or why go at all? Then it was a hotel won't work b/c the baby needs a separate room for naps. In the end she decided on my absolute bottom choice, an older 1BR place w/ a shared pool. You don't understand the number of places I looked at, contacted, talked to, bargained with trying to find a place last minute that met the company price point and ever-changing terms. The other 3 guests arrive later today...3 adults and 3 kids under the age of 5 in a 1BR condo...oh...yippie. I think I may see if I can just pick up some over-time while I'm here b/c any idea of this maybe being a nice trip flew out the window as soon as I heard....I want to bring a friend.

The place is OK, but far from spectacular, not like the place we had. The place we went was an absolute find...and frankly...I'd never take her there. It will forever be "our" place. This whole area is wrapped up in memories of you. It's hard to drive around and see places, streets, buildings and not think of you or our last trip together. In some ways it's good that I no longer feel the hurt, pseudo betrayal and feelings of being "owed" and taken advantage of ... those feelings that were so prevalent after the split. For a while I thought that the trip we took would remain a sore spot, a focus point for all the negative/hurt feelings, but...I was wrong. I'm down here and bad feelings are the furthermost things from my mind. Instead of hurt and owed...I simply wish I could have you here again. I wish I could have kept you in hotels and that beach house forever...those were the places and times you were happiest..and your happiness, your smiles, your at-ease nature meant everything to me ... and they still do.

I feel like things are easier for you. You get to move on in ways that I don't. You can jump on dating web-sites to find someone new. You moved out of your place and away from the areas we use to hang out. You even got a new bed. You have new classes and new schedules so even your everyday life patterns change so it no longer seems the same. Every few months you get to remake your life in ways that I don't. I come home to the same place. I see the same people. I keep traveling back to the same areas, the same cities, and sometimes the same hotels that we once stayed in. You shared so much of my life and almost daily I'm reminded of you in some way. -- Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the reminders...and I'm not looking or plotting or planning on trying to make you a g/f just b/c we're no longer dead-silent...I know the rules and I like that we're on pseudo speaking terms. These are just the ramblings and thoughts of a guy that was so in love with a girl and now he's back in the place where he had once hoped would change the relationship for the good forever.

Not The Same ....

2011-08-11T12:47:00.000-04:00

Last night I had to take a call for a site. On my way back home I checked my email from the phone and saw that there was an off-line message from Annie. She agreed to let me stop by for a few. It was nice. No expectation of sex, no motive other than to just spend some time together. I really enjoyed it. It was nice, just being with her. It's what I miss most. I'm not sure she believes me or not but it's her I miss, not the sex. I miss being able to just spend time with her, her friendship, the interaction, the closeness. Things are different now, but I hope they don't stop.

I told her last night that I know she needs to be 20, that she needs to be free to decide what she wants, where she's going, who she is. I know she has a lot of growing to do and who she is today, what she wants/needs/expects from herself and life will keep changing. It's natural, it's normal. I also mentioned that I know it's not fair to lock her into me. That no matter what I said before, my desire to leave the marriage was for her. I was willing to do it for her, for my and her happiness, but w/o her... doing it simply for my happiness just seems selfish. Maybe I should have more self-preservation towards my own happiness...and the way things are going in the marriage, it will likely end w/ or w/o Annie around...it'll just take longer w/o. Annie's happiness was my catalyst to speed the reaction.

What I did realize during the last break up is what I said above...that she needs to be free to be 20. If I'm leaving for her, then I'm putting her in a hard position because I would have an expectation to be with her. That's not an expectation I feel like I can thrust upon her, it's not fair and not one she can say she's ready to make if she's really honest w/ herself. So the irony has become ....she was my motivation to leave...but I know that until she gets a chance to grow and find herself that she can't truly be that motivation. The cold hard facts are that it appears that my own happiness isn't a big enough motivator to leave...but hers was...

Where does this leave us? I hope friends. I hope it still leaves up close. I hope we can still be close and in each other's lives. On cupcake day she told me not to get any ideas about her being my g/f ... and I told her I wouldn't. I don't know if she's noticed or not, but since what was a harsh break-up for me ... I'm different. I'm looking at things more objectively, I've had some time to sort through some things. I've gotten to talk through some things. I have a better idea of what is important to me, what I want and don't want ... and when it comes to Annie ... I want her happiness first and foremost ... and I want to be there for whatever she needs ... and if I can do that then I'll be happy.

(Not that this matters......this is NOT what this entry was suppose to be about....it's not even close. I think I just hi-jacked my own blog post....odd)

So This Explains A Thing Or Two....

2011-08-10T17:38:00.000-04:00

So today when looking at some of the blog stats I noticed something.

I guess maybe I should say..."thank-you"....to whoever owns this twitter page??? It does explain some of the traffic I get.

So it's official...Thank you Mister PPMusic2010.. Now, if I only knew when he did that and the answer to the question....is this blog really that interesting???? -- I sooo gotta step up my game....maybe start explaining a thing or two for the people that don't know what's going on as well as make the blog a bit more interesting ... I wouldn't want it to reflect badly on PPMusic2010's followers....

X "Mark"s the Spot

2011-08-10T12:36:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to stop thinking about the situation with this Mark guy. Something just hasn't "felt" right. I couldn't put it into words the day you had me read the emails and I'm not sure it's much easier now ... but here are my thoughts.

First, it almost seems "too" perfect. Maybe I'm just being a skeptic, but there is that expression concerning things appearing too good to be true. But it's more than that though. He said that he hasn't done this before, or more accurately, that he'd been thinking about it and was finally doing it. What initially struck me odd about that was his email subject. I know you discount the fact that he called the site "SA", but he's only been on the site for a few days, as his profile indicated, and you're the only girl he's contacting, I find it "odd" that he'd be using that abbreviation, it seems like something someone more experienced with the site would do. It goes beyond that though. He answered all of your questions before you asked them. His email was put together very well and he covered all the basis. It's almost as if he knew what questions girls ask, what their "gotchas" are, what problems you might encounter, what reservations might make you back out ... so he addressed them all at one time. It was almost too perfectly put together. He was either a programmer in another life (seeing as programmers are paid to think of all the exceptions, gotchas and such) or he's done this before ... but even programmers need a reference point if they're going to start predicting. What does it matter if he's done it before? It means that he's not being truthful. Why tell you he hasn't if he really has, it's not like it'd be surprising, it's the nature of the site? Instead of just saying...I've done this before...he's trying to come off as nice, innocent, new to all this...what's there to hide? To that end, more and more I think his "I lied about my income" statement to have been a calculated statement. His salary may really be as high as you think it is or he could be lying about that too. Let's say he's not lying...then I really do believe that he was pointing his salary and finical standing out to you. He wanted you to know (or at least think) that he's wealthy. He was pointing it out, but doing so as an innocent sweet move. I think he has a bit of an ego, or at least an agenda he's not sharing. Look at his pics. From what I remember they were pics of him, dark sunglasses, cheesy smiles, dressed nicely...I think there was even a scarf. I believe he thinks quite highly of himself and the pics show it ... from his pics I'd label him as a player, or at least someone that wants to be. I wouldn't be surprised if he is simply telling you what he thinks you want to hear...but to what end? -- That then brings up my other question. Why a girl from Richmond???? It doesn't make sense to me. He lives...actually I didn't catch where...but not here, not NJ...he lives somewhere not close. He's traveling to NJ for "investments" (whatever that means) and wants you to come up for a couple of nights. If I was him, I wouldn't be looking at Virginia. If he's going to be near NYC then why not a girl from there? There have to be tons of girls in that area, every shape, size, color, age. With as much as he's willing to pay for a couple of nights he could likely get any girl he wanted. If he couldn't find a girl in all of NYC then why not a girl from nearer by? NJ, Philadephia or someone between his home and NJ. Hell, Baltimore/DC would be closer. What made him pick a girl from so far away and contact you "exclusively". I just don't know how you get to that point. On that site when you look at Richmond, there are pages and pages and pages of girls. You mean he couldn't find one girl anywhere between NYC and Richmond that interested him? To find you he almost had to be searching in this area ... although I guess he could have been looking at girls that had recently logged in...but on that site, that search shows girls from all across the nation...and that doesn't sound like a smart way to search at all. He's done the equivalent of me going to NC and searching for a hook-up on a Florida CL page. I just have trouble wrapping my brain around why he'd target someone from so far away. If he likes the daddy/daughter thing that much why not pick a girl that looks younger than her age, not older? Yes, you're 20 but you pass for older and doesn't that slightly get rid of some of the effect? There's something he's not telling you and the more I think about it the more I feel like he's telling you what you want to hear, what he knows will draw you in.

Yes, maybe I'm just jealous. He's doing for you what I wish I could. If I could I'd gladly go into a bidding-war with him. It's dangerous to say to you I know, but I'd go against all my better judgement and let you bankrupt me if it ever came down to it. -- I know that you're worth every cent he says he's going to spend on you and more. I know you're amazing and it's not hard to believe that someone else would notice it too. But somewhere through all this I'm not certain about him, I'm really not. Maybe it's nothing...but...things seem too well put together, too perfect for his story to pan out as he's protraying it ... and if he's not being truthful in the way he's painting the picture of himself and his familiarity with the site and this type of arrangement ... then you have to question his motives and everything else he's said. I know it's a lot of money to walk away from, but he may be counting on that...which is why he made sure to tell you he has $$$.

I know none of this is concrete and probably seems the ramblings of a jealous ex-b/f or someone that doesn't know what else has been said...but I'm trying to stay as objective as possible ... and I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't convey my still lingering concerns.

Who Took Down the Road Sign?

2011-08-06T11:03:00.000-04:00

So unexpectedly today I receive a chat message from Annie. She's down, turns out the guy that she'd been kinda-seeing was seeing more than just her, he started seeing another girl not long after they'd started sleeping together. I'm sure this brings up thoughts of...when he said he couldn't see me, was he really seeing her, did he like her better, was he choosing her over me, was I not enough when I did so much for him, was was was.... The news came on the heels of her first successful SA meet-up which put a damper on the whole thing and ruined the weekend away she'd slowly begun looking forward to. I hate that it brought her down so much, I hate that he hurt her like that. As much as I was jealous of him, all she was doing for him, the way she was giving him her all...I didn't want to see her hurt. It makes me mad...I kinda wish ill will towards him...I wouldn't dare do it, but I'd once had thoughts of a way to potentially screw him over (the idea basically went...send an email to the HR department of his employer (get his name close, but not exact, as if you just met), and in the midst of the message mention how high he'd been at a get-together (perhaps he did something inappropriate as well...like unwanted sexual advance). The drug policy of most companies would force them to investigate the only thing that matters to them...the drug use. Most major corporations say they can screen at any time...I'm assuming he smokes on occasion and if so....he'd likely fail...and from there it's major screwed-over city for him -- but -- again, I wouldn't do it b/c something like that could destroy his career and from there things could only get worse)

I digress...that wasn't the point of this ...ah.... me and bunny trails.

The whole point when I started this entry was to say....Annie contacted me ...we met for Coffee, and then food. We chatted for a while and quite obviously she was sad and down, hurt from the betrayal of William. He was still very much in her thoughts....giving up little facts like ... "the last time I came here it was with him". I didn't mind the facts, the comments, the details...if it was on her mind, if it was bothering her, if there were things she wanted/needed to talk about or say...I wanted her to. Later we ended back at her place .. I managed to actually win a few games of Mario Kart ... truly a banner day. Things became intimate and there's been talk of having an arrangement of sorts. How much is based on the fact she wants an arrangement with me specifically vs just seeking an arrangement is hard to say, but I have my guess. At this point it's strictly an arrangement...maybe once a week, maybe 2x a month, maybe not even that much....it's hard to say. She seems adamant that "this time I won't let you hurt me"...so take from that what you will. She's saying the wall will stay up, that she cares for but doesn't love. Through all that though...today was a game-changer. There were things I had planned to say, posts written but not published...but now I'm left unsure. Say the wrong thing and I could drive you off, say too much and you may get frustrated b/c you may not simply want to know. Before today it was...I could say whatever I wanted, you'd read or not read, and in some ways it didn't matter what I said b/c I had no real belief that I'd ever see you again (even though I did find out that you thought I'd been lying on here to draw you back in) ... but today that changed ... and though things are different than they were ... you're giving it a "as long as we can" timeline ... I no longer feel like I have full rights to say whatever I want. There's a line I need to feel out, figure out where it is. It will likely become apparent after seeing you a few times...but for now I'm left not sure where to go, how to progress, what to/not to share. Am I a client, a friend, a lover, a FWB...where does the attachment level start/stop, what do you want to know and not, what am I permitted to know and not, what does it matter if you know certain things or not if it's simply an arrangement? In many ways I don't feel like I have the same freedom as a normal "client" as the bedroom could be their calm to kinky domain, they could talk to you about their lives...any and all aspects of it, what they want/wish becomes your greatest desire to fulfill, you want and are fascinated by them as their lives and personality unfolds...you can be whomever you want with them as they don't know you, not really. You're looking at them as a father-figure, a friend as well as a source of income...but where exactly do i fit in? What am I and where are the lines? Despite your claims of....care for but do not love...we have a history, we have a past...and that's the only reason you messaged me, the only reason you mentioned coffee. I doubt you even know exactly where things are...you might have an idea, but I suspect it's a loose idea, or one that will change as time goes on. In some ways our past, our knowledge, our connection gives us a leg up to other clients b/c despite any arrangement we have, we have some form of connection. However, that same past is also a hindrance...as everyone else starts off w/ a clean slate, a blank canvas and no real expectations other than fun/caring/fatherly/friendly/sexual ... w/ me things can't be just that, unless I'm wrong. Things will get figured out, I'm sure they will ... but for the first time in a while I can't say that I know how to proceed and where the boundaries lines are set...you've sent me completely out of my element, off-balance and unsure....it's like driving on a deserted road in a far away land w/o any signs....

Anchors Away

2011-08-05T09:28:00.002-04:00

Ok ... so you're not exactly going sailing off on a boat, but you're still heading to a water-filled location.

I know you're not really that into him...you consider him only a kinda-boyfriend...he thinks he owns you. Being on SA you're looking at cheating on him...which is kinda only fair b/c I have a strong sense that he's simply using you for sex as well. I guess it's a relationship of convenience and sex until you find what you're both looking for. -- But in the mean time ... Enjoy the trip ... Be Safe in whatever you with, with whomever it's with and whatever the circumstances.

Guilt....

2011-08-01T11:21:00.000-04:00

First of all...the fact that you're craving crack and other hard drugs is a bit worrisome. You know how addictive they can be, how they can destroy lives. Luckily I know you have trouble getting hooked-up, but I know with persistence comes eventual reward (if you call it that in this case). My hope is that your desire, your need, for it dies before persistence finds its target. However, even if it doesn't happen this time, it makes me fearful of your future, because unless what is driving you there gets resolved, another day will come where you'll crave again, and one of those times a match will be made...and that worries me. There is no responsible way to do hard drugs, there is no controlling it....I worry about you there...whether it's my place or not ... I don't want to see your life potentially destroyed or tossed into even more chaos

Aside from that, it's funny how the mind works. You talk about dreaming of being a prostitute or a stripper. How you'd like to find someone that wants you, is nice to you, will take care of you, how you want to enter into a mutually beneficial relationship w/o becoming attached. I just don't see how there is guilt in being w/ me that wouldn't exist in this other scenario. Maybe it's b/c you don't already have feelings for them, but that seems like a shoddy answer b/c if they want to take care of you, want you, etc...then there will be some baseline feelings there...you'll just choose to ignore them. If you do stripping/escorting then they'll be no escaping married men... perhaps you have the luxury of avoiding them on SA, but there's no guarantee they're not lying on that site, especially if they're not local (perhaps there's a reason they're not looking at local girls)...and in a more direct-sales arrangement...married men would likely be your bread-and-butter since they're not as free to go out to the clubs/bars/dating sites...they're looking for easy, non-complicated hook-ups with girls that don't care about their situation or won't ask a lot of questions. -- So again, the separation of "them" and me is an interesting one. In many ways it seems like you're seeking me with anyone but me, hoping the $ will hide the guilt you're pretending won't be there. The truth is, if it was so simple to turn off your feelings of guilt, you'd not be going on a trip ur dreading w/ a guy you don't love and doesn't "own" you, you'd not be looking for "arrangements" with other guys ... if you really had the ability to distance yourself from the guilt you'd be with me. Obviously you can't distance yourself from it...we had multiple break-ups proving as much ... so why is it now that you think you'll be able to? -- This kinda b/f you said you don't really love, you feel guilty, like you owe him for all he does....but you're free to be with him, he's available, yet many of those same negative feelings you had when w/ me are still there. I'm not saying that you didn't have reason to feel guilty when with me...I'm just wondering if perhaps there are some things, with you, that lends you to feel that way...perhaps in how you view yourself, your worth, your value...and that's why you crave for someone to want you, to take care of you, to make you feel special and like a goddess...b/c you don't feel those things yourself and why you feel guilty when people you care about try to help you...b/c you don't feel worthy of being helped, that if they're helping you must pay them pack since you weren't deserving of their help in the first place.

I don't know how you're going to proceed, how things are going to work out. I just know, that hard drugs will only make things worse, and the more you delve and pursue relationships that aren't built on what you really need that the guilt isn't going away and your self-image and respect will likely continue to fall, creating a very bad and possibly destructive cycle. -- Maybe the guilt is easier to handle when it's not with me, but it's also more likely that guilt is guilt is guilt ... so why are you fighting for and seeking things elsewhere when the net-result will be the same .. or potentially worse when you realize that they truly care but so much, so what you feel, your level of attachment in the end meant nothing? Maybe you won't get attached, but you'll feel like you owe, you'll feel more slutty...you'll begin to lose who you are on top of the guilt. -- This is all your call...obviously....just...take care of yourself....please..

The Youngest Simpson

2011-07-28T09:34:00.000-04:00

I'm torn right now. Torn between just letting it go, to sending an email to asking you to meet me at Waffle House for brunch and a chance to talk to you in person. I think in-person would do the most good but in many ways it's not place. This isn't about me or us... it's about you, b/c frankly Annie, I'm worried about you. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps this spills over from our relationship, maybe seeing or talking w/ me to get some true closure from me would do you good, perhaps this is a mix of things rooted in guilt or esteem or self-worth or desperation or emptiness ..but regardless of the motivation or reason behind it, it does give me pause and makes me concerned.

What am I talking about? Yesterday I found you on an "arrangement" site. You'd changed your name and you didn't have a picture but I still recognized it as you...your writing style, the personal details, the bio (netflix/coffee/interesting people/lets be friends/etc) ... it all screamed you .... the only thing you left out was languages. I don't know how long you've been there but I noticed just now that you've updated your profile and added a pic, so you must be actively looking. I see you removed the age restriction as well....on OKC I think you had under 30 and no NSA, here you had upper 30s (obvious NSA required) and now there seems to be no upper age limit ... but that's not really the point I'm getting at...(before you ask...no...I'm not looking for an arrangement with anyone on that site or another)

I feel like you're heading down a self-destructive path b/c...well...that's an essay that I'm not going to get into now. -- The bottom line of that argument is simply....is the relationship you're in really a relationship w/ someone that is available to you as you need and want ... as a friend, lover, boyfriend...all the things you need in order to be happy, content, encouraged and fulfilled? --- More importantly than that...what prompted this email is the fact that you're now actively seeking a married man for a fatherly and sexual relationship. You continually claimed while we were together that our only real problem was that I was married, that you had to leave, not contact, not give a good-bye, not give an anything b/c it was over .. b/c I was married. You took the stance that dating a married guy was the biggest mistake of your life ... and swore but you swore you'd never do it again. You claimed that me being married was the reason you weren't sexual and why sometimes you willingly withheld sexual things. -- Yes, there is a chance you might not end up with a married man, but I highly highly highly doubt that you're taking married men out of your quest and if I was in Vegas I'd bet that if you do get someone, he will be married. I feel like you're setting yourself up for a fall. I'm afraid that in the end the arrangement you're going to wind-up with will only lead to stress, depression and more guilt.

I could take it personally that you're willing to enter into a relationship with a married man despite all you said to me, the way you acted towards me b/c I was married, that you didn't ask me if I wanted to enter into an arrangement with you now since you're obviously open to it (although we tried that before and it beyond failed) ... but I'm not taking it personally, I'm not even mad, I'm really not....this really isn't about me. Right now all I am is worried about what this means about you, your mindset, your emotional state, the level of guilt and over all esteem.. I can see that how if you don't end up with a "daddy" that in order to feel loved, to be close, to have a father-figure, to put yourself down b/c you don't feel worthy, b/c nothing matters...that the next step to find what you think you need could very well be out and out prostitution. I won't go on... you know what you're doing and what you're thinking.

This is a dangerous, slippery slope and speaks to a much bigger issue of where you're at right now. Even if none of this pans out, even if you never become a sugar-baby, you can't escape that fact that you're now the aggressor in looking for a married man to fill a void..... The thing that you said for so long brought you so much pain, depression and unhappiness ... that's the very thing you're now seeking out. If you haven't already...think about that. -- You may tell yourself you're looking only to fulfill the fatherly role, the need for extra money, that it doesn't matter b/c you don't know them... but it will matter, it will hurt you, it won't end well. This isn't a healthy step in relationships for you. I beg you...find what you're looking for, what you need...but do so in the right way. Find a guy that fulfills you, one that's available, one that wants to be with you, one that makes you feel good more than in the heat of the moment, one that understands and cares, one that doesn't make you feel like you're not worthy or good enough or that if you were only better then..., one that will be all the things you need him to be and more. This all obviously started with your dad years ago...you've said from the beginning you have "daddy issues", but it's gone beyond just that...it's relationship and life issues ... it's feelings of self-worth and guilt, the need for approval and validation ... being in unhealthy relationships is only going to make all this worse and soon you may not be able to medicate or get high enough to dull the pain you feel from who you believe yourself to be. -- I know you have a counselor, that you do talk to people...but...don't stop. You took a step to regain your life, to embark in on a healthy life-style and relationships ... it was painful ... but you did it for the right reasons ....you were looking out for yourself. I might not have liked it, the way you did it or anything along those line...but I can't fault your motive. So it's sad to think that since then you've just been falling back into unhealthy patterns...some new...some old...that you're probably in a worse place now than you were when you were with me. I want you to be happy, I want you to be fulfilled, I want you to be the girl I know you can be....but for now, I am worried about you.

If you ever want or need to talk...you know I'm here. No strings, no agenda, no motives other than to help .... and I wouldn't dream of trying to make things worse for you by having an agenda. -- Please...take care of yourself and don't dismiss what I've said...you need healthy relationships, with all that entails...don't give up on the path you started nearly 2 months ago. And by all means... change the name. Come-on....seriously? Maggie????

I have a dream....

2011-07-26T06:29:00.001-04:00

Well actually, I had a dream. I guess we all dream, I just rarely have any idea of what mine are, although the other night I remembered what it was. It was actually about you, which I found even stranger than remembering a dream. The dream went in two directions. In one direction it centered around being over at your place, going through your stuff. You weren't there but I was going through it, along with a few of your friends. I recognized things, I knew stuff, I held back what I knew as I helped pack your stuff up for your upcoming move to Ashland. There were a few specific things I noticed, but I don't recall what they were now.

The other part of the dream was different. I wrote you an email. In that email I decided to just tell you everything I know, not holding anything back. The full confession went both ways....everything I know about you, your life, everything ... as well as ... all those things you don't know about me, my life, etc. This is the part of the dream that seems to have taken hold since I woke up that morning nearly a week ago and why there haven't been any other posts. I haven't known what to write here. Do I put up some factoid from the past, some thought concerning the present or follow in the steps taken in the dream? Periodically during the day I'll start composing in my head a blog entry or an email, telling you things, revealing information...some past, some current. Those emails and posts range from full disclosure to vague references, to simply enough to make you say ....what the....

I haven't come to a decision as what to/not to share and I realize you'll likely never ask; therefore, there won't be any prodding in one direction or another, and without prodding odds are you'll never get the full disclosure dump of information. I of course have fantasies (if you'd call them that) of telling all one day, but as odds continue to fall that there will ever be contact between us again, odds of that "one day" disclosure also fades. . -- If you were to ever find my other blog...then...you'd have a fairly clear picture....not everything.by a long shot...but you'd have enough. In the past couple of weeks that blog has stopped centering so much around your life as it stood/stands, and has shifted over to mine (which you might find more interesting anyways as you know about your life), so you'd be getting a picture both ways and from there you could extrapolate what I've left out. -- Normally I'd think that it's odd that the flow of knowledge between two people runs so heavily in one direction ...but...that's really how it always was. I could say that my knowledge began with the Annie-approved-and-encouraged stalking ... but reality is ... you were more comfortable simply not knowing, afraid knowing would make you uncomfortable. -- So as I continue the debate on what to and what not to disclose, if anything at all, you can stand firm in the knowledge that with each passing day the odds grow slimmer for a big-reveal. So instead of some big showy finish to this post I'll simply pass along a piece of advice given to me from my first girlfriend...don't bite your nails...that advice was enough for me, maybe it'll be enough for you .... and if it's not .... then one can always dream....

Knock-Knock....

2011-07-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

Today something happened that I think you'd have enjoyed or appreciated.

I was on the couch, napping honestly, when the doorbell rang. I thought it was FedEx delivering a part I need for tomorrow...turns out it was a foreign exchange student selling educational books. I invited him in (because it was hot), he rinsed his face off in the bathroom and I got him a glass of ice-water. I looked at what he had, said I wasn't interested but then we just started to talk.

Turns out he's from an area that used to be part of Romania then Russia and is now it's own country, although I forget the exact name (I think it began with an O), It's apparently about 60% Romanian and about 35% Russian, so he speaks both. He had short dark hair...you'd have REALLY liked him. His older brother is here with him as well, working during the summer as part of a program for school. In another 3-years he should have his Masters. Given your interest in Russian culture and language I'd be lying if I said you didn't come up. He was fascinated that a girl your age would be so interested and knowledgeable.

As we talked I eventually I had him trying pineapple juice, was giving him some snacks and drinks for the road. I finally just asked him if he had eaten and he hadn't so we were off to get something. I was going to just take him to Chipotle but when I heard he'd never eaten Mexican before I took him to a real Mexican place instead. It was cute, even though I'd said "I want to take you out" several times, he still asked if it was expensive when we got there because he didn't have a lot of money...I assured him that lunch was on me. OMG, they were insanely insanely slow today. On the plus side it gave us more time to chat and they gave me my fajitas for free but I hate I kept him from his job for so long (the good news is that he doesn't work off commission, he gets credit for school just for working, more credits if he sales things). He did ask if I had Facebook so I sent him a friend request and I told him maybe some Sunday when he isn't working (he works til 8pm Mon-Sat) I'll take him out and let him see part of the area. Maybe I'll take him to a park, to play frisbee golf .. maybe even Kings Dominion if they're doing a cheap-pass day or something. He's only here til something like Sept 10, so I figure he should see a few things and have a bit of fun away from his job. -- He asked if I could take a few pics, so using the phone I took a few pics of his first Mexican experience as well as a couple of pics of us in the restaurant.

One of the better times was when he told me a story he's come to love about a group of people that were trying to climb a mountain in Japan. The long story boils down to, there was a group that during the trip decided to talk, drink some, just enjoy the trip and the experience ... and there was an old woman who didn't. In the end the group missed the sunrise over the mountain peak and the woman didn't since they'd been drinking and couldn't run and move as quickly as their sober friend. The moral being ... at times in your life you have to be focused, you have to say "I'm climbing the mountain" ... when people want you to do things, when distractions come, when life happens, if it's something you really want you have to resist and simply say "No, I'm climbing the mountain". -- Ok, so the story doesn't seem that great w/ my very abridged retelling, but as he told it in his not so perfect english the story was actually fairly powerful b/c you could tell the sincerity in his voice and you could see how this concept and idea was helping to dictate and guide his life ... especially since I'd learned about his home life, how he grew up, how his mom sacrificed for him and his brother after their father died. This whole story and idea really rang true to him and there's few things more powerful than a person speaking with conviction. The time spent an the price of a lunch was worth seeing someone with that much passion.

So .. it's been an interesting day, it took quite the turn I never expected. I know that I know that I know you'd loved meeting this guy. Between his accent, his appearance, just his overall charm ... you'd been all over him. If we were still hanging out I'd invite you to come with us when we do whatever it is we do, I'd likely just give you his contact info b/c I'm sure he'd love to meet you and how could he turn down an attractive girl offering to take him to the Rocks or somewhere fun like that? -- And if I know you ... you'd be liable reward him handsomely for sharing his time and culture with you...offering your own version of an international exchange program. -- Who knew that today as I napped a simple Knock-Knock would lead to a situation in which I would leave me thinking.... if only Annie was here....

Hold the Wheat....

2011-07-17T22:28:00.000-04:00

It seems I can't go much of anywhere without finding something that reminds me of you. I walk through Walmart and I see all the Gluten Free things, little products I think you might like. I wonder if you know about it. Here recently I found a place to go, something we'd done before and know you like ..but I'm 99% sure that you're unaware this place exists, and how close it is to you ... and 100% free. I actually went there today just to check it out, didn't stay, but it's fairly nice. -- I'm no longer staying at the house during the day. I am getting out, doing work. I had a literal marathon job last weekend .. working about 55 hours in 3 days. There's stuff I'm doing ... I'm making do ...I'm living as best I can ... and all in all life isn't that bad. It doesn't mean you're not missed .. that you're not still thought of, that I haven't had the urge to drive by your place, or Michaels to see if you're there.. Even when I think you may be fading from my primary thoughts....a simple trip to the store, a commercial, a place .... they can bring thoughts of you running right back to you.....and today as I drove down Cary and Main St, as I passed by Lombardi and Allen ... the area was just too familiar, too tied to you to not have you sweeping right back in....but for now ..... I'll hold the wheat

I'm Worried About You

2011-07-15T16:13:00.000-04:00

Oh wait ... that was your blog post title ...

Turn Around...

2011-07-15T00:32:00.000-04:00

After the previous post in which I stated the reasons why I maybe I shouldn't wish for a future with you ... it only seems fair that I give you props for some of the good things .. b/c it was always the positive things I looked at with you and not those things .... so that entry really wasn't fair.

* Voice: I love your voice, I always have. I could listen to you sing all day. The trips we went on in which you'd bring your ipod and sing for hours on end, I loved those times. I never once grew tired of you singing, of hearing you belt out a melody or harmonize with a group or a singer. If you were the only singer I could listen to for the rest of my life, I wouldn't feel like I was missing out. How else can I say it .. I loved your voice and since high school I've said that I could fall in love with a girl just because of her voice ... and if I hadn't already fallen for you, your voice would have made it happen.

* Smile: When you looked at me and smiled, nothing else mattered. There were times I was frustrated, angry, stressed, feeling meh ... one look at you and your smiling face and suddenly all was right in the world. If you could do that with a smile then why would I ever want to leave you?

* Eyes: After the other two, you had to have seen this coming. Do I really have to say how much I loved those big blue eyes of yours? Never once in any relationship have I ever cared one bit about the eyes. I can't tell you with any real certainty the eye color of anyone I've ever been with. I couldn't have told you the eye color of any of those people while we were together; however, I'm liable to never forget your eyes. I could get lost in them, I loved looking in them, they captivated me. How could you not look forward to a feature in which every morning you could stare into those eyes or see them looking at you as you part from a kiss

* Made me ... : (This one is really a combo of 3 things that I initially wanted to keep separate, but when I started on the first I ended up referencing all 3. These three things are: You made me try, You made me want to be better, You made me want to take care of you) There was always something about you that made me try. You made me want to do for you, you made me want to provide, to take care of you. Any time you were down, sore, angry, sad, stressed, bored .. it didn't matter, you made me want to take care of you. I never wanted to let you down, I wanted to plan and make everything the best thing for you. I took you places I never would have on my own, I took on interests that weren't what I normally did. I adapted and changed for you because I wanted you happy. focusing on you, being so devoted to you is rare. It's not often in life that you find someone you're willing to do so much for with so little effort. It's a special chemistry that makes you want to be better for someone else. Part of what makes for a lasting relationship is a genuine care, a desire to do and be there for the person you're with. When it came to you, I had that in droves and the way things were going, that desire to be the best I could for you only grew the longer we were together.

* Genuinely Care for Others

* Can Talk with you

* Your Mind

* Willingness to Try

* Adventurous Spirit

* Ability to Feel and Love Deeply

* Desire to do the Right Thing

* Not afraid to sat "Sorry"

* Wanting to Go out and Stay In

*

*Note: This entry has been sitting in this state since July 6th, so I'm just gonna go ahead and post it b/c if I don't I can't say when I'll completely finish it. You see the categories I had jotted down when I was writing this. They're missing the official write-up, but you can probably guess what I might have written. If you want them written all the way out, to get inside my head, to see what it was exactly in those things I would say ... if for no other reason than to have them be complete .. just leave a comment and ask and I will. ...

I checked the calendar.....

2011-07-07T10:04:00.000-04:00

I know what today is. It's July 7th, 2011. I know it's early. I had planned on sending this message, this token, on Saturday to coincide with my prediction .. but .. it feels appropriate to say this now .....

....I hope he treats you well ....

Torches Lead the Way

2011-07-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

I wanted to take a minute to update you on a few things.

First, I looked at a piano yesterday. I found a lady whose job is to get houses ready that have been foreclosed on and one of the homes has a piano, so she's giving it away. Sadly the piano was THE most out of tune thing I'd ever see. The 3rd pedal didn't work, one key didn't work, a couple had a "click" noise when pressed and frankly, I'm not sure there wasn't a film of mold/mildew on the piano, making me wonder if it's had water damage. Afraid that this piano would be a money-pit, I'm passing on it. -- When I told you before that you made me want to play again ... I wasn't lying. -- Other than a few lies of omission, to protect you .. I never lied to you.I loved you, I meant every pinky-promise and I would have left her for you.

I'm still working on the entry on the rebuttal of the ... why i wouldn't be with you ... post, which states reasons why I would want to be with you. It's probably 2/3 done, I just have to go back and finish it. The problem with that post is .. the more I think, the more I could write, so it's a matter of what to include/not include/when to stop.

The past couple of days I've been attempting to download all the files from my online storage. The plan is to put them on another private site as well. It's been slow going b/c for some reason the process keeps hanging as soon as I stop looking at it or go to bed so long periods of time pass with no progress. I'm kind of worried that humyo will one day shut down since they've been bought out by another company and everyone with free accounts will lose their stuff ...so if I have it one other place, that should help limit that risk. Basically, I don't want to risk that they'll be things I'll forget. I see the pics, whether rated G or X and they remind me of those days, those events, those trips, those nights away .. they're good memories. Some of the Wilmington pics sting a bit still, but that's only b/c it's so fresh, the relationship ended so soon after it, but that sting will fade in time. -- I don't really know how you part with pics so easily. You kept very few pics of us even when we were together, even the rated-G ones. I know how you forget things ... I'd think you'd be the one to want those little reminders .. of past events, of past periods of fun, excitement and love. I know I love that still and I cherish those memories ... I guess I never understood why you were always so quick to delete them.

I heard a phrase in a show the other night ... isn't it funny how you can find references to things that apply when you're feeling something ... it seems that everywhere you go there's a message, a thought, a circumstance that applies to your situation, or something that will make it better or worse .. depending on your mood? -- In "Two and a Half Men" Allen asked Charlie if he was still carrying a torch for Mia. -- Carrying a torch. If you've read the other entries, I really don't expect you to come back. I feel like you'll forget about the blog or at least be unable to get back here. I've seen all the email addresses you've had over the years so I hold no hope that you're going to hold onto this one. If you haven't already, you'll pick another one, you'll make it your primary, you'll starting checking it less and less, then almost never, then maybe never at all b/c I'd be the only one to ever send you something there and if you're not expecting something, why log in? When you move past your "fer" email account it'll become just that much harder for me to ever contact you again and that much more unlikely that I'll ever hear from you again. To date you've not given any hint that you'd be willing to give me that "If I ever really need you, would you be there" safe word type thing. Maybe you're busy and haven't responded, maybe it's just not a priority, maybe silence is your answer ... and if it is, then it speaks even more to the point that there is no .. one day ... no ... in the future ... no ... things could ... for us.

Fact is, I will likely always carry a torch for you. As I'm sure thoughts of me fill your head less and less, the same will happen with you when it comes to me. I'll move on and we'll both have our lives. I'll never forget you though.Thoughts of you will always be pleasant. They'll always be a longing and a wanting ... a wondering of ... what could have been. You will always hold a special place in my heart and you hold keys that can never be returned. If you ever need anything, for any reason .. know you can call on me. I'll always be here, I'll always carry that torch ... just for you.... no matter what.

1,000 Words Isn't Enough

2011-07-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

Last night, it wasn't my intent, but I ended up looking at a few pictures. Primarily they were pictures from early on in our relationship, before there had ever been the first break-up The pictures help me remember why it is that I love(d) you so much.

I wasn't looking at the naked, erotic pics, although anytime I'm seeing pics of you I've collected those are never far away. The ones that I looked at longest, the ones that stirred the most emotion, the ones with the fondest memories associated with them were ones with you smiling that big smile of yours, your eyes wide and you genuinely happy. You are intoxicating when you're like that.

Yes, some of the pics were before/during/after a photo-session for panties or pics, but it's the ones like you up in the bedroom, my hat on and you with a coy little grin that fills my heart with fond and pleasant memories. It's seeing you in some artsy type pose but not naked, in which I can tell from your look you're happy and that's what causes me to stare. We really did take some good pics before things became "work" to you ... if you can't admit that then you simply don't remember the pics. -- I love seeing the pics of you and me out somewhere. You in the car, us on a trip, in a hotel, at your place, at maymont, in NYC.We did some amazing things during our year or so together, we went to some nice places, we really did enjoy ourselves. As time goes on I can virtually guarantee that those pics will become the highlight of my collection, the pics I look at most. Seeing your naked on a bed does quicken my pulse and stiffen my...., but seeing you in my arms, my lips on yours, you smiling just for me, you out enjoying the sights or just being out of the area, out of your apartment ... your beautiful smiling face, your big blue eyes full of life and love ... that's what I remember and long for most ... and those pics say and do so much more than simply 1,000 words.

*Note: I know you never really kept much of any pics from us, maybe a few from one NYC trip and a few for CL posts. If for any reason you ever wanted some of those pics of us together, of you on some trip or ones you took of me when we were together, let me know ... it really does do my heart well to see you as happy as you were in those pics and they truly are fond memories, there's no denying it

Off in the Distance There's a Haze....

2011-07-06T08:57:00.001-04:00

This morning as I was showering a sobering thought hit me which basically goes ... how much are you going to come back to this blog after a few weeks or months? What incentive will you have? As you go out on more dates, get swept away in the one you're seeing, why come back? To my knowledge, I don't remember you ever bookmarking this blog. That means for you to come here you do it from memory as you type the address. Well, I'm sure that Chrome helps once you start typing, but still, you have to start it. If you go long enough without visiting then even your browser will forget how to get here. If you go a while without coming here then you could forget about this blog completely, I know your memory. It already happened with the "stalker" page once. It had been a while since you'd visited, I made some mention to it one day and you responded with a "hey, I forgot about that".

My initial thoughts of you coming back here now and then to read what I've written, to check for any updates here or there, for recollections of us and our time, for maybe coming back when you're down, sad, needing a boost, lonely or just feeling nostalgic about the past and us ... it's likely a vision that won't come true. Even with a bookmark there's a decent chance that in time you'll forget about this blog as your visits become less and less since unused bookmarks tend to get forgotten and filed away, lost in the sea of other sites you once thought you couldn't live without. Without a bookmark, without your browser helping you get to this site as you start to type .. then ... even if you do have a flash of memory, even if you do wish to return, no matter how desperate that desire may be ... you might not be able to find your way back

*Note: Just for fun and out of curiosity, I just tried to see if I could find the blog myself. If you google "thatgirliknew" this blog is the 6th entry on the first page, as of today. If you search "that girl i knew blogspot about an annie" then it comes up in the #1 spot not surprisingly. If, however, you google "that girl I knew", "that girl I knew blog", "that girl i knew blogspot", "that girl i knew blogspot starbucks", "about an annie", "about an annie blog" or "about an annie blogspot" you're likely not to find this page unless you look hard. Why? For each of those searches I went 10-pages of search results deep and came up dry. So it is searchable, but at this point, but just barely ... and the way things look today, if you can't remember the link you then you likely won't be able to search and find the page

Unexpected Surprise

2011-07-05T22:37:00.000-04:00

Tonight while going through a closet upstairs I found buried under some of the spare towels on the floor a heading pad. I bought it quite a few years ago, it's fairly nice and 6" x 12" so it covers more than those heating strips do. Heat it in the microwave, it gets anywhere from hot to warm and retains the heat fairly well. It comes with a cloth sleeve to keep the direct heat off your skin.

One of the last times I came over to your place I spent a decent amount of time looking for that heating pad. Your back had been hurting and I wanted to bring it over for you, hoping it'd help.I had looked in that closet and didn't see it ... stupid towels that had fallen over and covered it up. I assume your back and muscles are feeling better now and all the aches and pains are gone for a while. You should be ok unless they have you working too many hours, so I hope you're pain free and enjoying your summer .....

For a while it seems like I may keep running into little reminders of you, things we'd done, things that have some tie back to you, little events or objects that will make me think of you Unexpected surprises aren't necessarily a bad thing, in fact, they're fairly nice

When is it enough?

2011-07-04T20:49:00.001-04:00

I'm starting to wonder, when will it be time to stop? Admitting it or not b/c you're trying to spare my feelings, you're moving on. You've found who you're looking for. You're in the throws of new-relationship bliss. You can't stop thinking of him, he's wonderful, you're sending cute and sexy messages, you're planning dates, you both can't get enough of each other, you're enjoying discovering all there is to know about each other, you're both utterly fascinated by the other. It's not surprising, you're an amazing girl and I'm sure he's a good guy. Every new relationship starts off w/ this high, this bliss, this "I can't believe how lucky I am" feeling. I initially predicted July 9th as the day you'd have moved on by ... b/c you'd have a relationship, b/c you'd have had made the step from seeing to being physical. After our chat, I tend to think I gave you too long.

That being the case, then why would you want to keep coming back here reading what I write? What I did in the past for you, once was cute, a sign of affection and love now gets seen in a warped light. Having the "stalker" page for you was a great thing, you loved it, you gave me permission to stalk you. When I stopped making updates you got upset, thinking I didn't care as much. Now it probably looks like a page from an obsessed ex that did all kinds of research on you and tried to capture every moment of your life in pictures and document all kinds of little things about you, many of which never made the page. It's not just the shots I took w/o your knowledge I'm referring to, but even the pages dedicated to your car, the various parts of your body, where you lived ... it's all creepy now. This blog even can be seen that way. I started it as a way to document what time we had together, but it's strayed from that. I would say I'd go back and "reclaim" the page, start posting all the things we did, all the time we had together .. but isn't that just as creepy as the stalker page? An ex that spends his time writing about a relationship that no longer exists, especially when you're with someone new ... how is that "normal"? Then again, we never were completely "normal" as a couple.

I have additional things I'd want to add here, thoughts I've had. The next two slated entries are basically ... 1) A counter to the entry on why I wouldn't want to be with you, an entry describing all the good things about you. I figure an entry like that was the least I could do after that post 2) An entry that describes a thought I had while driving to my parents. Basically it was an imagining of us meeting again. It wasn't based in reality, it was more fantasy than anything else. The long and short boils down to taking you hostage and ending w/ you promising to never lead me again. It gets a little intense b/c in the beginning you are, in every since of the word, hostage, kept against your will. Again, not reality ... but something I let my mind play out as my mind took a million bunny-trails. -- I could write about these, maybe I still will .. but the question comes, when is it enough? When will you simply not want to come here and check any more? When does it just look sad ... a guy that won't let go? -- It's perspective I think. On one hand you could see it as devotion or love ... you stop by time to time, see something written, read an older post and know I still care. It's nice knowing I do, it's comforting, it give you hope. -- Or ... it's desperate, creepy, scary or unnerving that I'm still writing, that I still remember our time fondly, that if circumstances lined up I'd still want to be with you. Why won't I just move on and forget? -- How do I know which of the two it is? Maybe it's creepy while you're in a relationship and feeling loved, but comforting and nice when/if it ends and you just want to know someone still cares. How do I know which it'll be remembered as? I already feel like I'm being resigned to the realm of creepy, of stalkerish, the ex with that odd fetishes and wouldn't move on. Why do I hold out hope that you'd go on seeing this blog as sweet/nice/comforting? If you're sad and down one day and you come here, only to find the blog taken down, would it upset you and drive you further down, thinking even I had left you? In 3-6 months will you ever even think of this blog ever again? When do I decide that enough is enough? When do I decide the updates should stop? When should I stop looking at your blog for an update? When do I remove the last vestige of hope for us to end up together .. whether it's next week or next decade? Will you even remember me, will you even remember this blog, will you even remember anything that went on with us except for a few "I can't believe" type moments? Should I stop? Should I leave this hear as a sign of hope? Should I make updates now/then to remind you of the good times, the way this blog was intended? Should I simply end it all and settle into the thought that soon you won't care and any effort here will be wasted, viewed as creepy/scary and soon just ignored? When is it enough?

One Favor

2011-07-04T02:01:00.000-04:00

May I ask a favor of you? I'm not sure you would, but would you please not share this blog with whatever guy you're seeing,? I'm not advocating keeping things from any guy you see, present or future, but this is designed for you, not him/them. I'm sure you're sharing the occasional detail on how I stalked you, on the panty thing, the hyatt sleepy time, the daddy/daughter .. all the little things that could be considered odd/strange/creepy/weird. He/they will already have a negative view of me, I'm an ex after all. They'll be making decisions and assumptions based on little snippets of info you give them on any/all of those things. I can't stop any of that and don't insult my intelligence by saying you're not telling him those things, or you won't .. you're too much of an open book to not share those things. Regardless of how you remember them, you'll have most of them come out as bad/creepy, if for no other reason than to him not look at you in an odd light. The last thing I want is this guy, the next guy, any of them, reading this blog and making additional conclusions about me, about us when they don't know the whole story. Many of these entries occur after a break-up, so there's pain, anger, negativity ... it wasn't who I or you were during the relationship 99% of the time. I don't want him/them judging me/us based on those things. It does both me you and you disservice. I may not have a right to ask this but ... let the details of what our relationship was ... whether in past post or future ones ... remain between us on this blog....

You can't wear goggles at the dinner table....

2011-07-03T20:57:00.001-04:00

*Note: This post I was working on when we started to chat the other night. It no longer seems appropriate or even needed, but I'm going to go ahead and post it since it was nearly done ....

This is likely to be my harshest post ... it's the one I've been avoiding but I put on my "list" of things to post. The goal of this entry is to simply list reasons why I shouldn't want to be with you. I'm going to bring up anything I can think of that someone might consider "bad", even things that aren't your fault. The reality is, I didn't see these things as reasons to not be together, they were things/traits that made up you, things we'd overcome, areas I'd want to help you in (ie. pain). These things didn't seem to matter when we were together, they didn't really bother me ... but maybe ... just maybe ... if I write them down .. if I paint them as reasons for me to not be with you... that I'll look at them, I'll believe them and I'll want to move on. It's a stretch, I'd likely to forget everything I write with the first glance of you in person ... but ... if there's a chance it'll work, if there's a chance that it'll make me second-guess the way I saw things going with you, the changes I wanted to make so I could be with you, make me question our future together ... then it's worth a shot. This isn't meant as an attack on you ... it's another one of those hail-mary passes to see if it'll help me get over you...

* Shoplifting: You shop-lift. What's the deal with that? It's not like your mom wouldn't help you if you really needed it. It's not like I'd ever let you go without either. It's not like you shop-lift things you really need, not normally. You take clothes that you don't wear. You take craft items that never get used. You admit that the things you shoplift are normally stupid things. There's a whole social contract, a way that we're suppose to live, agreements we make ... and you violate that every time you take. You justify it by saying you only do it against the big stores, the companies that can spare it, but it doesn't work like that. You've been lucky so far, you haven't been caught. If you keep going, odds are one day you will get caught. Do you know what the penalties are for getting caught? Huge fines, possible jail-time. For the things that you take, for the reasons you take ... it's not worth the risk. -- We're married, you decide for whatever reason to steal something. This time you're not lucky, you get caught. Going down to bail you out, paying your fines ... not only are things like that expenses that can completely ruin a person, a family ... it'll also be hard on you mentally, emotionally. Being with you, I'm accepting that risk you take every time you steal as well....

* Drugs: You do drugs. It's wrong, it's illegal. Just like shoplifting, it carries huge risks. Not just getting caught, the criminal record, the fines, but also what it does to your health. You saw what Aaren coughs up, you're doing the same thing to yourself with this supposedly low-risk drug. You don't just stop there, you take other things. You like things that alter your mind, you want to do acid. You can't tell me that pot isn't a gateway drug, you do more than just that. Not all the time, but on occasion. I've seen your internet history, you look for new ways to get high, things to crush and take .. you're always looking for the next big thing. Yes you're not doing the "hard" drugs ... not now. If you keep going, there's no guarantee that you won't start one day. Even if you don't go there, what the drugs are doing to you now is bad enough. Yes, you're careful, you look up interactions, you don't just blindly take .. but .. it still doesn't mean it's effecting you. That you're building up tolerances so you have to do more. You're gonna want to do new and different things going forward. It can drain a person, a family, financially when a person becomes addicted. It's form of escape, to keep you from dealing with reality, the real problems. You can claim it's only makes things easier, you like how you feel, but it's an escape, a band-aid to the things and problems you're trying to cover. Not only is that mentally unhealthy, it is also tough on relationships. It can destroy a perfectly good relationship as you become more dependent on the escape and numbing effects of the drugs and not the person you're with, or even yourself. You act like b/c you're not doing hard drugs, b/c you do you're research that it's ok, but it's not. It's not a once in a while thing, here lately it's a daily thing and statistic say use, type and degree will only continue to grow. It can destroy your own life, the lives of those around you, your relationships ... physically, emotionally, financially ... not to mention the fact it is in fact illegal and you're shortening your own life-span. In the Risk vs Reward, it's just not worth it...

* Mental Illness: You told me before that you have mental problems, that they're not going to get better, they'll only get worse. When you told me that before, I didn't know how rampant mental problems are in your family. It's on both sides of your family. There's a lot of medicating to just get by with you and with your relatives. Your father is down, depressed, so bad that it ended your parents marriage. Is that what's in store for me? --- There was a point in time when it wasn't so bad, your mom/dad loved each other. I imagine the problems were there before, when they were younger, they knew about them, the problems they could deal with but things grew, they got worse. How much of your dad is in you? Would I get to the point where things escalate so much that even I couldn't take it any more just like your mom did? You flip out on me quite a bit, you have bad days, bad weeks. I can't tell you the number of times you've apologized to me for it. I can't blame you for having mental issues, it's like being born left handed .. it's the way you are. There are things you can do ... foods you can eat, sleep, certain meds, recognizing signs and doing mental exercises ... a whole host of things ... but they're all coping methods, ways to mask, way to lessen .. they're not cures. Nobody can predict the future, but you seem to think that things will only get worse. Your gene pool seems to indicate you're right, you got screwed from both sides of the family tree. I love you deeply, but the day could come to where you're either so heavily medicated you're no longer the person I fell in love with, or you'll push, shove and drive me away like your dad did to your mom. -- I never believed it was possible, I always believed that no matter what I'd stand by your side but it's naive to simply ignore act like it couldn't effect a ltr and marriage

*Breaking down: You go through phases where you can't seem to handle things. When things get stressful you just pull back, you flip out. Nobody is at home when you wanted to go to the pool and you blow-up people's phones. Your friend is arriving late to go to the river and you flip out on everyone. Dinner plans go south and you shut-down and want to just pack it in. There is example after example of things going wrong, not according to plan and you don't deal with it well in one way or another. Some days you rise to the occasion, you step up and can be annie-on-the-spot, but other days you're completely the opposite. That means it's hard to do, it's hard to plan, it's hard to count on you. Will today be the day that you stand up to the challenges and press through, or will today be a day where you push people away, run away and hide and just give up? Things do seem to go in phases, some times you do really well, but then there will be a period of time in which you can't seem to cope. Going forward, in a long term relationship, you need to be able to count on someone. You need to know that when you're not strong they will be. That together you'll walk through problems that life throws at you and not constantly be carrying the other. Carrying from time to time is expected, we all need help and a lift ...but there are times when it seems like you have more break-down days than you don't. How will you handle the stressful events in life? Buying a house, planning a wedding, raising kids. I need you there for those things, I need you to be there ... but ... if the stress gets too much ... there's a very real chance I could lose you in those moments I need you most.

* Forgetting the good: Some of this ties into the one above. You have a short memory when it comes to things that are done for you. Little gestures, little actions, big gestures, big actions ... when something happens to upset you, to throw you off, to stress you out, then frequently you'll break down and forget. It's like what you did never happened. It doesn't feel good knowing that there's a good chance that nothing you do will have a lasting effect.. That no matter what I do, odds are in days it'll be forgotten. It makes it possible that in the future I could find myself no longer trying b/c I'll say "what's the point". What kind of future do you have to look forward to if you go into it believing ... she lives in the moment and about the only thing that will ever matter is the thing that just happened?

* Diet: Ok, I'm not even going to write about this one. The gluten thing is an inconvenience at times, but frankly I dated a vegetarian before and that didn't bother me ... so ... diet isn't a big deal for me and I can't even go off and pretend like it is like I'm doing with these others....

* Outdoor Activities: I never really took you on outdoorsy type activities. But the fact is, it's not your thing. I like going bike riding. Not just a mile or two, but some long trips. I really do like geocaching and it's not your thing. It's been a while since I've gone camping, but I can't imagine it's one of those things you'd want to do. I'm not a huge outdoorsy type person, but they're not your thing ... and if things go the same route as geocaching ... you won't want to do them with me. This means it'll either be like disc-golf and geocaching for me right now ... I simply don't do them .. or ... I'll have to do them alone. You made it clear that geocaching isn't your thing and you have no desire to do it again. A relationship is in part built on having common interests, and we don't share those. For the interests that don't line up, many people will still do them with their partner and if geocaching is any indication, you wouldn't. Being with you means I either take most any of my outdoor activities and simply give them up or I go it alone...

* Easily Tired: Due to a number of factors, virtually none of which are your fault or under your control, you get tired easily. This impacts a life together as it limits what you can do. Do too much around the house and you'll have to stop. Do too much when out and you'll be no good for a while. If there is an outdoors activity you do you'll have to do it in small doses. I'm an endurance person, I like doing and going long. I'll push myself and do more. Stopping, having to take a break, having you out of commission will impact things. No planning big all day extreme things, odds are you couldn't take it. Things have to be shorter, easier, less intense and that's not always what I'll want. What about kids? Nothing will wear you out like having a kid, raising, chasing, doing with them. Will you be able to handle that or will it simply be too big of a tole on you? Unless we keep you on speed-type medicine, you're might always be 2-steps behind.

* Pain: You are frequently in pain. It's mostly due to your fibromyalgia, and that isn't your fault in any way shape or form, no more than having allergies is my fault. Living with me means that 2-3 times a year allergies will get bad, I'll get headaches, sore throats, will feel like shit for a day to a month .. it's what you have to expect. Living with someone that frequently is in pain, where it can be crippling, where just working a job can be become too much for them has its own difficulties. You have to plan your life, you have to adapt. It can be done, but there will be days, weeks, when no matter how much you plan, how careful you are, it's going to rise up and cause problems. It's hardest on you, but seeing you struggle, seeing you in pain, knowing it's only going to get worse, hamper you even more is something you have to consider. If you're imagining a life where you can just go/do/push without dealing w/ the consequences of fibromyalgia then you better think again. When you end up with someone that is in constant pain, pain that will never go away, will only grow, then you're accepting the fact that come one day they may be disabled, unable to work, unable to get out except for rare occasion, that their pain may take over their life, and by extension, yours.

* Christianity: I know that I've done quite a few things that are anti-christianity, but it doesn't change the fact that it is something I was raised with, raised believing in, it's something that still means something to me. You're not the same. You don't even really believe in God. This causes all kinds of problems. My family would bring it up, ad infinitum, if they thought you weren't a "believer", more if you didn't go to church, and even more if you didn't believe in God. It's a big deal in my family. I was raised to believe that a relationship with God is the first thing you look for in a potential mate, and if it isn't there then you need to move on. Unless you were willing to change, things would come up, again and again. They might not make things easy Those things might not get said to you much, but it would get said to me b/c I'd be the son, the brother, and they could be frank with me. Then what happens with children? How would they be raised? Saying that they can make their own decision isn't a real solution. Kids like things easy, if you tell them they can or can't go, they won't go as soon as they're old enough to be allowed to make the decision. How real can it be, how important is it if mommy doesn't believe in it. In spiritually split marriages either it becomes an issue (the church goer frustrated with the other for not going/doing/sharing, the non-church goer feels separated, distanced b/c the other is doing something w/o them, is involved with activities, friends, a life that they aren't apart of and often sees as a life they're choosing over themselves) and it can drive people apart or the church-goer away from their faith (the reverse isn't normally the case)

* Money Issues: I'm not going to come on here and say you're bad with money, but I can say that we do handle money differently. I've been in your shoes, in college, in similar situations when I had to make decisions on what to do, what not to do .. and we made different decisions. I've been fairly free with what I spend with you, but even what I do is still measured and controlled. I have the extra money to spend, but I see times, areas where you spend money when I wouldn't if I was you. They say that most problems in marriage come from money and sex ... and ... we do handle and treat money differently ... so it's something we'd have to work on, something we'd have to come to a resolution on or a workable system .. or else we'd be setting ourselves up for a rocky future due to money issues, even if it was never a case of too little.

* Fitting me in: There were quite a few times when I felt like you only fit me in.That if someone else wanted to do something that you'd tell me you couldn't see me b/c you were hanging with them. It's not that I'm opposed to you having friends and doing things w/ them, but you knew our time was limited, the window for me to see you was set and often, the times you scheduled to do something with a friend, the conflict wasn't necessary. Along with that, most mornings I couldn't come over b/c you had class starting at noon or so. You told me at the beginning of the semester, before classes even started, that you'd be doing homework in the morning, studying for tests. You basically planned to do work in the morning and if there was no work. to simply sleep in. I stayed up late to do my work so I could see you, I'd rearrange customers, I'd go in late and get home late. I went to great extremes to switch my life around so I could see you any time there was an opportunity, any time there was a chance. I often got that same sense of "whatever it takes" from you, not to the same degree, not all the time. Was it really such a big deal to put down the netflix and do homework in the evening? Was it that big of a problem to get up and spend the morning with me instead of sleeping, eating and showering? Face it, if you had a class at noon or so, most mornings you didn't do anything before class started .. then you'd claim ... when you come over I get nothing done ... the results were the same ... but it illustrates how you were apathetic towards seeing me at times, how you didn't jump through hoops, didn't do everything you possibly could to spend time with me. If you were like that now, when you rarely saw me every day in a week, how apathetic might you get in a long term relationship, in marriage, when you know I'm always there, will always be there?

* Telling the truth: I'll keep this short b/c it's been mentioned in a couple of posts already. But, I need to know that you'll always tell me the truth and just the other night you illustrated that even when asked directly, point blank, when told it'd be ok b/c I already figured I knew ... that you didn't. You decided to be judge and jury of when truth was needed and when it wasn't. Yes, there was reason, your heart was in the right place, you were trying to help .. but .. you still weren't truthful in the end. Relationships are built on trust and if I know that there are times that you'll hold the truth back, come hell or high water, then how can I ever fully trust anything you ever say?

Having a Safe Word

2011-07-02T17:30:00.001-04:00

I've had a thought and I'd like for you to seriously consider it ......

If a point comes to where either of us needs to see the other, for any reason that you think an in-person meeting is necessary or appropriate or needed or anything like that... that either of us can say "I need for you to meet me" and the other will agree.

This is kind of the equivalent to a safe-word ... one of those things that you only use if absolutely necessary and you feel like you must. The other person respects the fact that it the other would not abuse this privilege so they simply honor it. Period.

I can honestly tell you I have no plans to use it, I don't even have a good idea of what would even prompt me to say ask for a meeting (you may simply be down and need a friendly face, I may need to tell you something ... the reasons for needing it aren't really that important)...but...just like a TBD day or two, here or there to catch up and stay in touch is nice .... knowing that if push ever came to shove, if either of us felt a need or a desire that was strong enough, that either of us could reach out, for any reason, and the other would be there.

*Note: You don't have to answer right away, but if you think this is acceptable, some form of a reply or hint of intent is necessary. If it's not, then you can say 'no' or simply remain quiet on the topic

Oh the Pain....

2011-07-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

It's official.... Pain Killers taste different with rum and coconut when compared to coconut rum and coconut or just coconut rum. I can now officially say that using regular rum is my least favorite of the 3 options .... but then again I was just pouring and not measuring. It's definitely MUCH stronger the way I made it tonight compared to the ones in NC ... It's not like the taste is bad ... another one or two ... it's not like I'll even notice anymore ... although .. it's not going that far tonight....

You say it best when you say nothing at all....

2011-07-01T21:30:00.002-04:00

In our chat last night, I know your heart was in the right place, trying to spare me more pain, but as I stated in a previous blog, knowing what you wouldn't admit, knowing that when asked directly, when I said... you can tell me the truth, it won't be a surprise, you still weren't honest.

The fact is, knowing you didn't weren't being completely honest ... what you said, what you didn't say, said volumes. The fact is. the way you acted while we chatted, the words and phrases you used, the way you reacted to the blog entries ... it was of someone that has moved on into another relationship. You said as much when you said "we all move on at different rates". You read the various entries and your response to how close I was getting, of what I felt, of where I saw things going and heading ... your reaction to all of that spoke volumes. At most your response was "you didn't tell me", it was a reaction of "I didn't know that" and not "what does this mean". It's a difference that means the world when it comes to your mindset right now. Maybe not to someone else, but I've made it almost my job to know you....I just wonder if that's some skill I can sell now.... doubtful, but maybe one day I'll try :)

When you said "I've told Emily" that meant "I've told others too". You gave me a token of what I was asking but only what you thought I'd be able to handle. You said "I've talked to some people online but haven't met" that translates to "I've met someone in person". You said that too easily, you volunteered that info only because it was the same situation ... it was part of what I was looking for but what you thought I could handle. Again, you weren't acting and reacting as someone that maybe has a few possibilities online but nothing concrete, you truly acted like ... I've found someone I like and I want to be with him for a while.You gain that confidence from having met, having that date, not from just casually talking to a few people online.

The thing is, I had written "Alone...to be or not to be" and "July 9th" before I ever stumbled upon your profile. After last night I believe those entries and the ones I wrote after those even more. I won't get into the blog "It Tingles" entry but again ... from your reaction to the blog as a whole, the things you choose to talk about, not talk about, your careful selection of your words, you said volumes without saying anything .. and I don't doubt that blog entry either.

It may be reiterating the thought in the other blog ... but .. over or not, I'd like to know that when it comes down to it, I can trust what you say. That whether it's easy or not, you'll tell me the truth in the end. I understand your desire to protect me, I did some of that to you as well while we were together ... lies of omission you called them. But I'd like to think that if you had ever pushed, if ever directly questioned, that I'd told you and not censored, and I'd like to think that wouldn't do it today either. -- I appreciate the gesture, but sometimes even when you're trying to protect, when you're not trying to say something .. what you don't say still says it loud and clear....

Mistakes Happen...

2011-07-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to delay this post long b/c I do want to set your mind at ease if it's not already ... I'm not going to be stalking you on OKC. Coming across your profile like I did was a surprise .. Reading down your page and seeing the words "worst mistake of my life" out there for everyone to see, without anyone asking, without prompting .. it seriously hurt. It hurt so much seeing you advertise that, knowing that you'd write it only if you thought it, that if you were saying that so openly that it put to rest any doubt that you weren't thinking it .. that you were saying to yourself and to others that you were with me b/c you were dumb/stupid/bored/lonely, for no good reason at all. It's where "Like water on a Grease Fire" came from...it hurt me reading that and if that's what you thought then I just needed to purge you from my life. Seeing what you wrote confirmed all my worst fears of you thinking of me as a mistake, something you wish you could take back, that you're pushing all fond memories of me aside .. it made me believe that all those worst thoughts were true ... b/c .... you had written that so publicly, so cut-and-dry .. you wanted everyone to know that I was your biggest mistake. Using names or not, you were telling everyone, you weren't concentrating on anything positive, anything good, any feelings of love that we'd shared only ... I was the biggest mistake. Previous blog entries had theorized as much and what I read in black-and-what told me that I was right. You had read those entries and hadn't changed your profile .. so it must be true b/c you didn't go change it then. Yes, you said it's changed now but I feel like it's only b/c I all but called you out on it in the comment on your blog.

BUT ... from all this there is perhaps something good you can take away. -- As much as it hurt reading those words, it assures that I won't be stalking you there. I don't want to see what else you might write, what else you might say. I don't think it'll be about me anymore, but it could be things about being in a relationship, being with someone else, or it could be on another topic that has an unexpected hurt to it. Regardless of what it is, "knowing" in my head, maybe even hearing it from you is one thing ... but following it, seeing it happen blow by blow, watching the slow reveal would be worse. If you think I'm going to stalk you, to follow your every move as you move on ... I'm not ... it'd be too painful. Anything I find out would be easier to just hear all at once ... "hey, I'm dating someone" is 10,000 times easier to take than trying to watch a relationship grow and develop. -- I know it's happening, I'm 98% sure you've already found the guy you have your eyes set on and that you've already gone out. It's not your style to wait. You'd be pushing to meet that day, the next at the worst. You don't take your time there. I do believe my more uncomfortable blogs .. but ..it's all too easy to see, to imagine. I've painted the picture as the situation came to me in two separate blogs. But again .. knowing or hearing is one thing ... following is another. So put any lingering thoughts of you not being "safe" on that site anymore because you are. In the end, it'd just hurt me more if you weren't ...and I realize that and I realized that moments after seeing your profile ... so I left, removed my account (it was blank anyways, except for my test/quiz history) and haven't been back. -- This does beg the question ... how did I not know a site with the word "cupid" in it was a dating site all these years??? I just thought of them as a site w/ a few decent tests (like gaydar and the virgin test) and a lot of bad tests (answer 3 questions and you'll tell me my personality. Seriously?)

As I've stated before ... although "stalking" you was once something you found sweet and flattering ... knowing you're moving on .. it just seems like one of those things I shouldn't do. That it'd be an unwelcome invasion of your privacy and it would just end up hurting you in the end knowing I was out there, possibly watching your every move. -- Don't get me wrong, the urge is there, it really is .. and it's ok to be flattered by that ... but ... unless I hear from you ... "you can still stalk me if you want" ... I won't. (*Hint: you'd have to respond in some way for me to get that message .. so .. it'd have to be a temporary break in your typical silence).

But knowing I'd found your profile, that I'd read those words .. you can understand some of the posts I put up last night ... tearing the letter, not knowing what to do when love/obsession no longer has a home ...

Not really sure how to end it ... so ... I'll leave it at ..... good-night (even though it's still morning)

Sometimes a word is enough....

2011-07-01T08:38:00.001-04:00

A brief change up in what I'm posting.

Actually, I think I may finish the post I was working on and then either stop that train of thought or at least not post most of the others.

Why? Because we chatted tonight. The main thing I've been wanting from you is a chance to actually talk and share. A chance to go back and forth, to get a few things out in the open, It wasn't the same conversation, the "good-bye" and "sorry" conversation I initially wanted, but it was still a conversation. It wasn't comfortable. I felt like I was short, but I decided to tell you what I was thinking. I can't say it was a completely open/honest conversation because you were trying to spare my feelings and I appreciate the gesture, I really do, but it wasn't necessary, and for a while it actually made me more upset. Why, b/c a point comes when I feel like I have to be able to rely on you to tell me the truth, even if it hurts. I know the relationship is over, but honesty is still needed and required. If I don't think I can count on you to be honest, to tell me the truth even when it's hard to give .. then that hurts. When you don't think you can trust someone to tell you the truth ... it changes things. But again .. I know your heart was in the right place ...so ... I'll over-look it this time...just don't make holding back, lying, especially when directly asked, a habit.

But back to the main point ... the fact is, just getting to talk to you helped. It doesn't change you moving on, it doesn't mean that I'm going to ever see you again. I just don't see you meeting me as long as you're seeing someone else. Even if the relationship ends .. it'll be too long before you'll be open to seeing me again.

The amount that us chatting tonight I think is going to help makes me believe that a final good-bye in person might have averted some of this, but we can't turn back time. Being able to hear that you do still care, seeing how you cared enough to want me to talk to someone, willing to pay for it if necessary means a lot.

I'd also like to thank you for actually saying "good-night" tonight. The last few times we chatted you just dropped offline w/o saying bye ... and that's one of those things I've always hated when you do that...just disappear, hang-up, drop off-line w/o notice, warning or a bye. Thanks for giving me that courtesy tonight.

I'm going to keep your "maybe one day" of meeting out there as TBD. I think it would be nice to be able to catch up, to see how we're each doing, to stay in contact every now and then. It's a nice thought, that there could be this open-ended "one day" out there.

Again .. thank you for reaching out tonight ... "hearing" your voice, being able to have an actual conversation, real-time has helped. -- Don't be afraid to pop online and say "hi" now and then, ... don't be a stranger....

Jman1 to motherbird... the Eagle has left the nest...

2011-07-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

I already mentioned in the comment on your blog that I'm staggering these posts. It's actually Thusday evening and for the last two days I've pretty much not left the house. I say pretty much b/c I've left once a day the past two days ... left to take a call here in town. All in all I was gone for about an hour total each day ... very easy work. Other than those brief diversions, I stayed at home, not doing much, writing, thinking, on the net .. not giving my employer any kind of a good days work. I have things I should be doing, but I haven't been doing them. I don't have a choice, tomorrow I HAVE to get out. I have to get some things done ... I'm covering for 2 engineers tomorrow and I have work I should have completed on my own so it's going to be beyond busy. But getting out will be a good thing, it'll distract me. -- I also made the decision tonight that I'm going to give in to my parents request and go visit this weekend. I don't really want to, but it'll get me away. The distraction may do me good b/c come the time this posts .... my prediction will be just less than a week away ... and come that day ... all my hopes, my plans, my desires for a future for us will likely become an impossibility...

Calvin Klein did it first, but I did it better...

2011-07-01T00:28:00.002-04:00

It should come as no surprise to you that my love for you was interlaced with obsession. You're likely never going to know just how far that went, what all I did, the lengths I went to ... but ... I can't let it continue like it did. It'll destroy me if I do. The updates to the webpage may have stopped, but I assure you...the stalking, the checking up on you, the learning more never stopped.

At one point you considered the stalking flattering, but now I think it'd just seem creepy. You're moving on, you're putting me aside ... holding on so tight, being obsessed like that is what gets you arrested or restraining orders issued, it's not what you'd consider flattery. Don't get me wrong, I want to. I sooo want to. Since the break-up Since the break-up I've made updates to the site I made for you, I've added stuff to my archive of info, adding all the things I had but hadn't finished added. Things are categorized, things are well laid out, there are things you'll never know. There are things I'd tell you, but I can't now. I look at the info, at what I have, what I know and collected. I look at all the work, all the time, all the everything ... and I ask myself .. why? What can I do with it now? Why do I have it? Why should i keep adding to it? Why would I "stalk" you when you're soon to be with someone else? -- If you knew, if you ever knew the full extent of the things that have gone on this past year you'd be beyond shocked ... either extremely flattered or creeped out..---But what do you do when love stops being returned? What do you do when the one you obsess over no longer wants it and would view it as an invasion? What do you do with love, mixed with obsession, that no longer has a place to go? You can't just turn it off, you can't simply walk away like your flipping a switch. What do you do???

It Tingles.....

2011-07-01T00:28:00.001-04:00

Decidedly quiet and distant, your friends not around, motivated to move on ... you've met a guy, or will be meeting him for the first time soon. Either way, you know who he is, you're sure of it. You've chatted online, maybe emailed, definitely texted back and forth. You're flirting, you're being sexual, a bit of a tease. He knows about me and what a horrible mistake I was and how you're wanting to move on. He's saying all the right things. He's not being too harsh on me or you for dating a married guy, he's being understanding, and you like that. He's being a little fatherly, telling you it's ok that you were just lonely, everyone makes mistake or something like that. He's smart enough to know that too much negative talk turns things off, slows things down. He wants to drink with you, he'll even buy it and bring it to you, or invite you over to his place, you'll drink reisling. Your first date will be sushi because that's your new thing and meeting at Starbucks is what we did so you can't repeat that. You're taking things slow, letting him know that you can't rush into sexual things and he's a good guy so he respects that. You won't make the mistake of dealing with another Bucky, not now at least, so you have found what you feel like is a nice guy. You can't wait to see him for the first time or see him again, depending on how quickly you've moved (I'm guessing it's the later). You look at his pictures constantly, you day dream about him, he's all you can think about. He finds you sexy and desirable and you love that. Oh, your sex drive is definitely coming back. You want to fuck him but you're afraid of just starting there. As you think of him you begin to tingle. You have the place to yourself, there's no reason not to. You turn on some porn .. maybe it's the bookmarked video from motherless, but it's probably something different you're adding to your spankbank, either way you're looking at something all the same. You watch, you touch yourself. It's a video, most likely of two girls, but you're still thinking of him. -- Whether you reach orgasm or not I don't know ... maybe after a few minutes you know it's futile, maybe it only takes you a few and you're there, but one things if for sure, within about 5 minutes you're wiping your fingers off and moving on. Oh, this is definitely the guy for you, you want him, he's making you feel good and he's not even there. Why isn't he there to fuck you? To pull your hair as you call him daddy? You want to show him just how kinky you are.... You've told him but now you want to show him. -- You may be done touching, feeling, masturbating ... whether you cum or not doesn't matter --- he's doing it for you, you want him ... his personality, his wit, his charm, him thinking you're fun, sexy and exciting, his willingness to do things for you selflessly, his willingness to wait, his everything has made you tingle ... and soon, you'll let him see how wet tingling can make you get...

Like Water on a Grease Fire

2011-07-01T00:28:00.000-04:00

... It didn't help ....

With you moving on I felt like I needed to begin purging little bits of you from my life. The idea being .. out of sight, out of mind.

I started by archiving your messages so there'd be no reminder of you when I log into my email. I thought that maybe the act of ridding you from my inbox would help .. but it didn't.

Next, I moved your "Truthiness" cross-stitch to the drawer. For a while now it's been on the end table, next to my bed. It wasn't hanging up, it was just sitting there. Sometime last year, before the baby, while going through some boxes in the garage I "found" it and brought it inside. It doesn't go with the theme of the room so hanging it up seemed weird, so I kept it out until I found a good place for it...or so I said. She quickly forgot about it and never comes to my side of the bed so she's had no reason to think about it again. Reality was ..I liked having it there, out, for me to see daily. I started using the end-table more, putting my keys, cell-phone, change and just anything/everything there, forcing me to go over there, giving me a daily reminder of your gift to me. Some days I'd pick it up, examine your work and smile before putting it back in its place. -- I thought I had told you I put it there, that although it wasn't hanging up, it was out ... but ... from what you said in your last email, maybe I didn't tell you, maybe you just forgot. Either way, I'm hoping that if the daily reminder is gone that maybe it'll make things easier ... although putting it away didn't give me any feeling of finality.

Within the first month we met you went with me to CT. While there you gave me a hand-written note. I've carried that note with me almost every day since. It stayed in a pocket in my laptop bag all by itself, protected.. Occasionally I take it out and read it, remembering. Over time I started adding a few things to the envelope that the letter came in, things I wanted to keep, special times I wanted a physical token of to help remember. Nothing too big, just little things like movie stubs...but physical reminders all the same (no, there was no hair/toe nail clippings or anything creepy like that).. I felt like if I was going to move on that I couldn't keep carrying that letter with me. Your words, when I read them now, just sting and they make my heart hurt with loss and longing. I took your letter and the other contents and I carefully tore them into strips ... I couldn't bring myself to crumple, randomly tear and fully destroy. I had hoped that tearing the letter so would somehow release me as I was physically destroying something I treated as so special from our past for so long. It'd be an outward sign of letting go and a physical action I could take to move on. Maybe in time knowing the letter is gone it'll help, but so far it only hurts more. I know I have to now throw it away, but for now, the letter sits in my shirt pocket, inside of its envelope .. confused on why it was torn, but somehow comforted by the familiar surroundings and the heat from my body. (The urge to cry is now almost unbearable....)

In all of our previous break-ups I've not done any of this. You've stayed in the inbox, you've stayed out on the end-table, you've traveled with me almost every day. -- I know I can always go look back at things if I truly wish .. your emails are still there, just hidden. Your cross-stitch is still around, but away. Your letter .. although soon gone from my hands forever will live on in my online archive of everything I ever knew about or had collected with you (I couldn't bring myself to tear it up before taking a picture ... so I can re-read if I ever so choose, but I can never hold again)

I'm hoping these steps will help, these reminders of you gone I'll begin to move on just as you are, but only time will tell. Deep down though, I feel like my heart will never truly be free from you, that there will always been wanting, desire, longing and an emptiness for you. Time heals all wounds, but the heart never truly forgets....

I'll close with ...in the spirit of the internet, in the spirit of ... pics or it didn't happen ....

Why did you....

2011-07-01T00:13:00.000-04:00

*Harsh Alert* - This post went a different direction than I originally planned and it did get a bit harsh, but I'm leaving it the way it came out b/c maybe I need to say those things, to say them in that way to make it easier for me to move on. On the flip side, it did unexpectedly bring up one of the many "confessions" which I hadn't planned on doing...

Why did you ever go on the trip with me? Why????You told me before we left, that day outside the Sushi place, that you were 20, needed to live your life, that if someone came along you'd date them... but you'd still go on the trip. Why didn't I just cancel the trip then? If you were leaving me why have me take you on a trip? Why did I continue to hope that the trip would bring us closer together and would be something you'd cherish, something we could point to as a real turning point in our relationship? It was obvious then, you told me, you weren't hanging around. But I didn't pay enough attention. I knew what I wanted from the trip, I wanted us closer, I wanted a tighter connection, I wanted it to be the start of a new life for us. Why do you think I planned all those things? Why do you think I tried so hard? Did you even know the week we were gone was the week of my anniversary? That's right ... I chose to go on a trip with you, to be with you, completely away from her on our anniversary. I never told you that b/c I was afraid it'd make you feel too weird and I wanted all the focus of this trip to be on us, only us and what was to come. Do you know how that made her feel that I was going to be gone that entire week? How much shit I took for not telling my boss I "couldn't go" to NC that week? That's why I tried to shy away from that week but in the end I made the choice and chose that week b/c it was one of the few weeks you could go. Regardless of how you think about going that week, to me..... I was choosing you over her ... that's how much in love with you I was, how much I was willing to do, how far I was willing to go. With that trip, I've now not been home for EVERY special event in a year now, big or small. Several of those events I've spent with you (remember Valentine's Day?), others alone (my birthday). Granted, most were work trips that made me gone, but this trip was MY choice. This was me saying .. I'm picking you over her ... I'm doing it today and I'm going to keep doing it. Why do you think the counselor thing came about? You didn't say "see one or I'm gone", you didn't say one night "are you going to see one" and me respond "I'll start looking". After the trip I told you one night that I'd been looking at counselors ... it was unprompted, uncoerced, I had taken your suggestion you made in the past and was acting on it on my own. I knew but I knew that once I started talking to one that it'd only be a matter of time until I was with one of you exclusively .. and the way things were headed, the way I was making choices, the way I was picking you over her .. that .. the end of my marriage was coming. That's why this trip meant so much to me. Trips away, not work trips, but true trips away change things for me (I've had trips both intensify and kill relationships .. always one or the other, except it seems we took away different things from this trip). I wanted to see how you did, what it was like to be with you, just you, virtually no other distractions. I wanted to be able to imagine us together, like that, all the time. Falling asleep with you ever night, waking up every day, making dinner, breakfast, going out, seeing friends, lounging around the place ... just living our life together. When I say I wanted the trip to bring us closer, I meant it. I truly meant it ... it was what I was looking for. If things went well, if things went as I hoped they would, then before long I hoped it'd be like that all the time. Why do you think I bought you a ring and not a necklace or an apron or anything else you were looking at? Why do you think I wrote "I like it" on the piece of paper with your ring? It wasn't a ploy. I'd already done a lot for you, I didn't need to do more. The trip was over, we were were checked out, we were driving home... what did I have to gain from another gift on the trip? I gave it to you as a token of what I felt, what I hoped for...as a start....a physical and real symbol of my intent. You called it the perfect end to a perfect trip. -- Lies.

Even before we left, you knew what all I was doing, how much time I was spending planning it, you knew it wasn't going to be cheap, but you let me do everything anyways. I felt you start to pull away from me even more toward the end of the trip, it only intensified when we got back ... rejected, the emphasis began to switch to sex ... what was "I" getting out of this relationship now? Things reverted from being close and a future together to how things had started....I'll provide for you in exchange for sex b/c if you were pulling back from me, from our relationship, then what did I have left? -- I had such high hopes and even though you were pulling away, things had changed for me b/c of the trip ... but you were now pushing me away. Do you know how that felt? I saw that you were getting everything and I wasn't getting anything and that you didn't care, that you simply didn't want me anymore.

That Tuesday night you asked me to call as I drove home, the night of the dropped call ... I had found out just that day there was a mistake with my paycheck. The new system didn't pay me for the week off so they were direct mailing me a check. I'd now have a sizable check that didn't get direct deposited, money I could easily use, for us, for a future ... a trip, a gift, a ring ... a something ... but it was something I could use for you and that gave me even more hope. I was excited to tell you about it but I never had the chance b/c that same day I began thinking of us and the future you dropped me, dropped me hard, ran away and have refused to even give me the chance to say "good-bye", to say "sorry" face-to-face. How distant you must have become. How separated from me you must be to be able to treat me like that. I can't believe that you were just so willing to let me do so much for you without saying a word, without feeling bad. Some of your final words to me were that you don't owe me anything ... how could I not feel like you owed me? Seriously? You went into that trip already separated from me as my heart was opening wider to you. You went in knowing it was over and didn't think twice. You went in just letting me do and not caring what you'd do in return, not caring how I felt. You were content to let me do whatever I wanted for you, using me for what you could get ... then you dropped me. No respectable waiting period. No easy let down. No "good-bye" even, no concern for me, my feelings or anything. You were walking away and that's all that mattered. I knew break-up sex wouldn't be happening but I asked anyways, one of those hail-mary passes, one of those "maybe there'll be at least something to show for what all I did, for all I had hoped for", but I knew the request was in vein as sex had become too much of a non-issue with you when it came to me before the official split so why would things change now? You say it's my fault you weren't feeling more sexual? Well, you knew the score, you knew the situation I was in on day 1, I never lied about that for a second. If it bothered you so much, then why oh why were you with me all that time? If it bothered you so much why did we ever have sex? If it bothered you so much why did you agree to go on the trip when you knew that I was looking for a week of being sexually satisfied? I was there to help you out, to do for you and you just used me as you wanted and a trip. You say I wasn't owed anything from you ... wrong. I was owed an apology at the very least ... an apology for using me like you did, for not caring about my needs, for not caring if you just took, for not having the decency of telling me that "after this trip it's it" so maybe I'd plan accordingly, for going on the trip at all since you were on your way out, for pretending like you cared about me sexually but really not, for not caring how I was taking bigger and bigger moves, how I was giving so much of myself over to you and you not caring. How do I look at those thing and not see myself as anything but used??? I did take a big step going that week, I opened myself up to you. I began to hinge my view of the future on how things went, on us being together. Why do you think I got so torn up when I felt like you and Amber were pairing up and you were just ignoring me and treating me like I didn't matter? It wasn't b/c I was being ignored, it was b/c I knew for me that I was giving you my all, I was making a statement with my life and I saw it as you not caring that what I did, how close I was becoming, what I felt like I'd be doing soon. I put so much into that trip, what it'd do, where it'd take us ... and you seemed to not care. You went in knowing it was over, you only pseudo tried to maintain the illusion of us having a future then you didn't even have the decency to let me down easily or say good-bye. No, I don't want your money, I don't want to be paid back, I don't want break-up sex and I really don't even want an apology at this point ...I guess you're right ... I'm not owed anything....

My Greatest Fear.....

2011-06-30T21:05:00.003-04:00

My greatest fear these days is letting you go.

When I let you go, I'll stop trying to get you back.
When I let you go, I'll stop looking for you to come back
When I let you go, you'll move on
When I let you go, you'll stop wanting to come back
When I let you go, you'll put all fond memories of me away
When I let you go, you'll stop looking back hoping to find me looking at you
When I let you go, you'll forget about me
When I let you go, dreams of a future 'us' will disappear
When I let you go, there'll be no hope of us getting back together
When I let you go, you'll truly be gone....

Comment Detour....

2011-06-30T16:43:00.000-04:00

Brief detour from the normal blog heading.....
I don't know if you get notified when there's a comment on your blog or not, but in case you don't, I've copy/pasted the comment from there to here....

My next few entries are already written, they're scheduled to self-post ... I just couldn't bring myself to post them all at once and there are others to still write. I just finished Saturday mornings and there's something in there that might surprise you...or maybe you already knew.... maybe you won't care, but if you can look past the harsh tone of the post, there are pieces in there that might explain to you why this is so hard...

Despite what you say, I still can't fight the feeling that you haven't talked bad about or painted our relationship in a bad light both to yourself and others. Can you honestly tell me that you've never said or told anyone since we've split that being w/ me was your biggest mistake? Can you honestly tell me that you've told noone that you were with me b/c you were dumb, bored, lonely or anything along those lines? Can you tell me that when things do come up or are mentioned that you're only bringing up the bad, the regret, the mistake it was to date me.. never saying ... he was a good guy that loved me deeply and I loved him, but alas... ? Can you tell me what I've posted about the way I imagine that you're moving on is wrong? When tomorrow night's post comes out, can you tell me I'm wrong there too? Can you tell me I'm completely off base with my analysis of how things are and how they've been going? -- Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm wrong about all the stuff I've said, what I think, what I've predicted ... but ... I don't think I am. I know you. I've spent over a year getting to know you. Not just on the surface, but on the inside, how you work, how you think, so I feel like I have an idea of how some things are going in-spite of your silence. My major was all about analysis and with you ... this time ... I feel spot on. Tell me I'm wrong and I might just believe you, tell me you're not calling me your biggest mistake and maybe it'll help ... but I don't think you can deny everything I've just written here w/o it being a lie ...

I don't doubt you're worried, I don't doubt you've read what I've written and are concerned... but I don't doubt my analysis either...

Confessions....

2011-06-30T09:02:00.001-04:00

On my other blog I have an entry called ... Random Confessions ...

In that entry, which I update now/then as I think of other things, I list things that I never told you. You mentioned once that you knew that sometimes I gave you "lies of omission", well that's true. Some were just things I didn't tell you, or maybe they were things in which I changed a few facts here/there to help protect you from the full truth. You can imagine that most of those would be things involving the wife, although .. on the blog I focused primarily on things that dealt with you and not her. Things that were about you? Well, they were things that perhaps illustrated how into into you I was, how far I would go to stay in your life, how far I'd go for you in general, how utterly obsessed I was (still am) with you. -- I always said ... there were things about you I knew that you never knew that I knew ... things I never told you ... the other blog lists some of those things, along with other confessions. Some you might find funny, others might confirm things you'd thought, some might make you angry/sad, some you might simply ignore altogether, wondering why I ever brought that up. But I can guarantee that most of them, whether big or small, I think would have been a surprise .. thus the nature of them being confessions. The one common denominator in almost all of them was simply ... how far I went to know you more, to love you and to protect you.

When I hit "New Post" I had full intent of sharing a few of those things here ... but ... as I started to title this for the first confession ... I stopped. Maybe I'll come back to them later. Maybe I'll pick a few and post them ... but right now ... something is stopping me. Perhaps it's just fear of sharing things you didn't know. If you were to ever ask me about them .. I'd share ... but I don't see that happening ... so those confessions may just stay with me. -- Well, I guess this was a wasted entry.....

What is to come...

2011-06-30T08:29:00.000-04:00

I already know what the next few blog entries are going to be. I'm trying to work things up so that I can move on, just as you are. Unlike you though, I won't be looking back at things as a giant mistake, something you wish you could forget, time that you wish you could reclaim. I may have started out looking for someone that would simply want me, someone that would "submit" to me and help me feel like I had some control in this world b/c everything was crashing down around me, but it didn't stay there. You became my everything, you became my reason for getting up, for going on, for smiling. I know you have to be telling yourself that you were only with me because you were looking for friends, something exciting, to feel taken care of, dumb and lonely. Again, things may have started that way, might have been your initial reasons, but telling yourself those were the reasons you were with me, that you stayed with me is doing everything a disservice. I've said it before but it's true. Getting excited to see another guy, going on dates, moving on ... that's one thing, but knowing that you are likely trashing our time together, to yourself and others, calling me your biggest mistake, calling our time together a waste, acting like and resigning to memory that what we had wasn't special ... is hard to take. I can't do anything about it though, you're going to think what you want to think, you're going to tell people what you want to. All I can do is control me. So for the next few entries, I'm going to focus on what I hope will help me move on and past you .... because the truth is ...you are.

Dropping the Mirror

2011-06-29T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but all I know is that I have to find some way to let you go. Holding on as you're gone is killing me. I think it's worse because I felt like we had no closure, we didn't have a good-bye. I feel like you're dismissing our past and me .. I'm not sure why, but I have that feeling. -- Some how, some way, I have to let you go. I have to stop dwelling.

I'll always be here for you, I'll always answer if you reach out, I'll always lend assistance if needed. However, I can't keep living as if any of those things are ever going to happen because I know, none of them likely ever will. So I'll stay willing, wanting .. but never expecting ... it's a hard thing to do.

I can't keep living like I am. When I got divorced before, when other relationships ended in the past it was different. I could reach out and talk to people, I was free to go after other relationships, I was regaining a portion of my life that was lost. I can't do any of that here. I have to come home each day and act like I'm not in pain, to act like everything is fine, to pretend like this is where I want to be. If you thought living a "double-life" was easy for me, it wasn't, but I managed it b/c you made me so happy it made the times I wasn't w/ you good and bearable. Now you're gone, the bright spot in my day is missing. Unlike when other relationships ended I'm not returning to a life full of possibilities, I'm returning to a life I don't really want to live and now has no escape, no diversion, no way for me to handle my unhappiness.

How do you care what to make for dinner when I shared so many meals with you...knowing the meals I'd most want I want to share w/ you? How do you get motivated to go and have fun when the things I'm suppose to do I want to do w/ you? I was at KD last weekend and I had no desire to do anything. Her brother-in-law kept trying to baby-sit so we could go off and have some fun but I wouldn't take him up on the offer ... I didn't want to go have fun w/ her, I kinda felt like punishing myself, accepting that the days of having fun, of being free to do what I want are over ... that b/c I'm married to her and we have a kid, my lot in life is set and there's no escaping it, so I might as well just start living like it I no longer have a life and what I want will likely never matter again. -- When I was up in CT last week I actually drank.They had a dinner w/ an open bar and I definitely took advantage of it b/c I saw no reason not to. Why not distract myself for a while (fyi: my first drink was a pain-killer and i had to tell him how to make it. 3/4 of the glass was coconut rum, the last 1/4 for everything else .. but then again, that bartender made everything strong)? -- I've been making virgin pain-killers at home these past few days, I'm probably going to go get some rum here soon and start doing them right (although I can't find my nutmeg...I think it might still be at your place, no biggie, I'll get some more).

The fact is Annie .. I can't keep living like this. It's killing me. I will have to find a way to deal with things on my own, or I will have to do as I imagine you are -- I'll have to replace you, or I will have to find a way to be happy at home again with her, or I'm going to have to leave. It's still a dick move to leave her while the baby is so young and she still needs to much help taking care of her ... but, like a mirror that's been dropped, I'm broken. -- And without you in my life in anyway shape or form, with the way things were left and were heading there was no closure to make the transition easier, with you pushing aside all fond memories of us, as I imagine you're doing, it gives me no hope, it depresses me and it sinks me even lower. I know I have to change my thought patterns and soon or I'm afraid of how I'll end up. -- I certainly can't keep going like I am, I just can't take it .. I'm broken and something has to change.

July 9th

2011-06-29T00:50:00.001-04:00

On July 9th I head to NC to work an upgrade. It's kind of a big deal. All the upgrades I've done as lead engineer have been on single-server type systems. Any site that has the more complex systems, clustered services, multiple servers controlling one database, multiple web-servers that share the traffic so none get overloaded ... on all those upgrades, I've only assisted, aka .. mostly watched. Due to two upgrades being scheduled the same day, I'm being made lead of this one with 2 other engineers present but neither of them contain the skill-set to help if something goes wrong. Let's hope I don't screw things up.

On that same day .. or perhaps I should say .. by that day ...you will have found a new guy for your life (I honestly don't think you're going to need any longer than that). With the place to yourself and your friends not around, you're more motivated than ever to move on and find someone. As a girl on the internet, the guys are there for you to choose from, so there is no 7-day waiting period for attention. By July 9th you'll have met and gone out, you certainly won't waste any time. By July 9th you'll have flirted online and in person. You'll have made sure that he knows that you're a sexual creature, that you have a wild side and a submissive side because these things help intrigue a guy and get him interested. Of course he'll know you're not all sexual, that you want a relationship, but you also know that common phrase: "sex sells". By July 9th you'll likely have told him about your panty business, because .. come on ... you tell almost everyone about that, so that one is a gimme. By July 9th you'll have become captivated by his looks, his personality, his charm, his humor, how he seems to be in-charge, cool and collected, you'll be beyond sold on him and whatever he does as for a date or an outing will be simply amazing. By July 9th, even if you've only gone out a time or two, you're going to want to be fucking him and with what you'll reveal about yourself, he'll be more than excited to, he'll be wanting to. He's going to take the sexual talk, flirting and openness you offer as a sign that you're wanting sex so he won't pussy-foot around any longer than what he thinks he has to. By July 9th you'll have gone from wanting to fuck him to having fucked him. From there it'll be a rush of sensations, feelings and emotions. Your sex drive will be back in full swing. Everything will be new and exciting, you'll feel alive and lack of sex won't be a complaint of his for sure. You won't let sex define the relationship, but it'll definitely have a prominent role, much more than it had been in ours in quite some time.

By July 9th, when I'm spending my day working in another state on what could likely be an 18-hour upgrade, you'll have moved on ....

All this now begs the question, why do I keep torturing myself? Why do I keep thinking of you? Why can't I get mad and stay mad at you? Why do I keep hoping that one day in the future things will work out for us? Why do I secretly hope that as you meet new people, go on dates, that they don't work out and we'll magically come back together once divorced? Why do I feel like that no matter what, we're suppose to come back together? Why won't my heart disconnect from you when my mind is telling me that you're gone and I should move on too? Why do I feel like you're moving on and soon you'll push all thoughts of me away ... that whether my marriage ends or not, it's already too late? Why are my heart and my head on such opposite sides and why do I feel like I know which is right? When will the switch occur in me? In the past we vowed to not completely break off communication, to stay in each other's lives, if even in a minor once in a while friendship type role. Why is it that suddenly impossible? Is it that you're so angry at me that, so upset with yourself that you can't stand the thought? Are you really that eager to put all thoughts of me behind you and pretend we never existed? I refuse to believe I'm that easy to forget, that our time was that terrible that you'd discard our past so easily .... but ... one fact my head won't let me shake is that ...

On July 9th, all I guess I can say is ... I hope he treats you well ...

Alone ... to be or not to be

2011-06-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

On my way to a site today I got an image of how I see things going with you right now. In the past I've thought about what may be going on in your head and I've been off, but I'm trying to be objective and use what little info you shared to make what I think is an accurate picture of your position, mindset and situation...although I realize that there's a strong possibility I'm way off, but here goes my attempt at predictive modeling....

Whitney has moved out, Aaren is gone, you don't feel like you can or should talk with me, Harrison and your mom aren't much help either. Your days are spent alone when you're not working. Perhaps you head to the rocks early in the mornings to give yourself a sense of being independent and having a life because you always said that was one place you could go alone. You miss companionship, you want someone there. You're torn in how you feel towards me. One minute you want me there, you miss me, you feel the pain of regret and loss and the next you're calling me your biggest mistake ever and you're mom's voice plays in your head telling you that dating a married man is a sure fire way to be unhappy. In those moments you're mean, you're angry, you tell yourself to move on and not look back, so you start looking to rebuild your life.

From here I see several ways this could go. Maybe it's like the first time. You're heading to CL or AFF looking for companionship and a way to forget. Maybe you're jumping on cam sites so you get validation and approval along with people to chat with to help you pass the time. However, I don't see this being the likely case. Sexual things kind of became a topic, a focus in this breakup so you're shying away. Maybe you went to those sites when things first ended, wanting to be on cam, wanting to be sexual, but you quickly stopped before anything happened because you knew you couldn't, you just weren't feeling it. Instead of NSA relationships, instead of making things overly sexual, you're looking for a friend, a new relationship w/o the emphasis on sex. Instead of CL or AFF you're turning to dating sites. You're looking for a slightly older guy but not as old as me. You're torn b/c you want to downplay sex, you want these guys to know you want a relationship not just a fuck. You also don't want to come off as a prude. Fact is, you're still seeking the same validation, you're seeking someone to be with you to fill that void. You're seeking a guy that can be and give you all the things I couldn't, you want someone who will stay the night and help make life bearable again.

Here's my prediction though. You're going to find someone and you'll do it quick, likely one of the first guys, if not the first guy, you go out with. With so many voids in your life, if things work out you're going to attach yourself to him quickly. You're soon going to find yourself reliant on him. Your plans of holding back sex, of making things less sexual will die quickly. He'll show an interest, you find him cute, he kisses and touches you and it feels good. It's been a while since you felt good, you want an escape, you don't want to disappoint him, you want to keep him because losing someone again this quickly would hurt so much more, so you willingly give in without even thinking about it.

From there I have problems predicting. You could either completely immerse yourself in this guy, becoming dependent and falling hard, or, it could be all too much and too soon. You could find out that you're not ready and as much as you want a new relationship, as much as you want someone new, the friendship, the companionship, that in the end you're just not ready yet. If I had to take a stance, you'll act quickly and fall hard b/c the need for friendship/companionship, the need to fill that void will be too much and it'll spurn you into action. You'll let the relationship build and grow in no time flat. As it does you'll think of me less and less, when you do it'll be with growing disdain for having ever been with me and less and less positive thoughts towards me. I'll be put into the "mistake" category and any amount of how well I knew you, how I felt, how you felt, will soon be replaced with less positive feelings. -- That is the part I hate in this prediction. Moving on is one thing, but I'd rather it be with fond memories not a feeling of regret.

Until you find this guy and you rush to find yourself swept away I feel like your evenings are and have been spent getting high and watching some shows online, when not trying to attract a guy and find a new companion. If you can get your hands on it, you're drinking some wine to feel good and as an escape. I'd like to think you're not smoking but given the stress maybe you've allowed yourself a couple. School has become an even bigger inconvenience and you're craving contact so much that your previous claims that you couldn't skip class for practice seems impossible to keep. You can't fail the class but you can't lose this group either. In the end I feel you'll try to do both, but if it comes down to one or the other you'll grudgingly do the minimum with school to keep your group.

I have no idea if you're reading this, but if you are it's only a matter of time before you stop. I predicted a long long time ago that if we ever separated and you found a guy, and that'd be that. With my assessment of where you are, how things have been going, I think this is the perfect storm to make that day a reality in the oh not so distant future. Moreover ... whether you're ready for it or not, I think you'll rush into things for no other reason as to separate yourself from me ... it fits the profile....

I knew...

2011-06-27T23:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you'd step out of the room to shower, to go to the bathroom, to do something and I'd take a quick peak at your internet history, always curious as to what you looked at. Ok, I'll be honest, I hoped to see you checking up on me, I hoped to see that you were looking at porn and getting turned on, I was hoping to find something fun, exciting, maybe some little tidbit about you, something I didn't know, something that would give me a clue to what you were thinking, how you were feeling, some window into your life you hadn't shared. Normally I didn't find anything other than facebook, neopets and a few random searches on things I already knew you were looking at ... say a new roommate/apartment, maybe a craft project or something like that ... although, info on new ways to use illicit drugs came up more than I wished it had. A few times my quick peeks were rewarded and I found some interesting piece about you, some clue to your inner workings which was always exciting. A couple times I found hints that you were down, sad, something in particular was bothering you ... then I'd adapt accordingly ... maybe do something extra, something special, maybe bring something up or not bring something up .. I'd tailor or change some behavior based on this new information about you or your mental state to help bring you up, to bring you out, to address what is bothering you. I attribute some of these things as to why I sometimes seemed to do the right thing at the right time ... yes, sometimes it was pure luck, it was just me being me, but other times I had the inside track and decided to take action. However, sometimes I found out things I wished I hadn't. Sometimes I found things like you looking at the CL posts for adult gigs, at you looking at m4w CL posts, looking at sites for dating, looking at sites trying to find or determine your soulmate. I understand the just general curiosity about looking to see what's on CL or other sites, to see what kind of craziness is out there. I do, I get it. But it wasn't just that, it was sometimes when you were looking at it, not b/c you were. The dating sites, the searches on finding a soulmate, things that fell into that catagory were harder for me to reconcile, harder for me to justify why you'd be looking at that. I wouldn't have time to figure it out though because you'd be back in just a minute. I'd have to close the tab, pretend like I didn't know, pretend like I had no clue. I'd spend the rest of my day with you knowing ... imagining ... aware of the fact that not long before you saw me, maybe even the night before, you were looking at things on the internet that I couldn't find a good reason for you doing. I never let on though, not even this last month when I had seen the same type activity, I never said a word. We'd still go out, we'd still cuddle to some show on the laptop, I'd spend my day w/ you questioning, wondering ... those days were the hardest on me.

Yo Mama

2011-06-27T22:43:00.001-04:00

Maybe I shouldn't ask, it could be one of those topics better left alone, but I'm curious about your mom. What did she know, how did it come up, what did she say? For instance, did she just out and out say "hey, i heard you broke up w/ your boyfriend" or was it more of a "mom, i'm sad b/c i broke up w/ my boyfriend" and she said "i know" or "i thought you might have". Did she think of me as a boyfriend or did she know know I'm married? Other than the fact she said you're sad for not taking your meds, is that what she blames your sadness on or is it b/c "you've done this to yourself". I'm just curious as to what she knew, what she said, how much she knew (like, did she know this last trip was w/ me or does she think harrison still?). Why do you think she's being distant to you? Is it b/c you were dating me or b/c she's temporarily frustrated w/ your sadness qne doesn't want to deal w/ it even though she loves you? As for how she found out, I can see it three likely ways, and they're listed in least likely to most likely, as I see it.

1) Sometime recently we were seen and it got back to your mom. Perhaps at the community pool, perhaps by a neighbor at the river house. It could have been innocent enough, someone saw you with a guy, we were obviously together, and someone asked your mom whose Molly's new guy.

2) If this was more of an "I had a feeling", then I can put that off onto mothers intuition. You were likely acting like you were in a relationship, maybe she heard from your brother that you were interested in an older guy, so she put 2 and 2 together. Nothing concrete, but a suspecion. Mom's tend to know their kids better than we'd like to think. They know our patterns, they know our style, they know when something is different or off (for instance, was it odd for you to ask to go to the river-house, then go kayaking all on your own?). Plus, they know themselves and we tend to mimic them more than we wish we would ... and your mom having been down that road in her past, might have simply put a few clues together and had a guess.

3) If she knew, if she knew knew, then the answer is most likely Aaren. Aaren knew about us, didn't like it, didn't care for me, so there's no reason for her to keep things quiet. She's gotten to where she hates you it seems, why not try to hurt you, to hurt your relationship with your mom, maybe hoping things would come back on me as well. But maybe it wasn't viscious, maybe it was more accidental. In the midst of some rant she said something about it to her mom, or said where her mom could overhear some conversation. Your two moms are friends, if Aarens's mom found out then I suspect yours would too. I suspect that was the chain of events: Aaren -> her mom -> your mom. The bigger mystery I believe was motive. Was it an accidental slip or something she'd hope would cause problems. With the way Aaren has been going off, her complete disregard for everything, how she seems to defy you at every turn, my first guess is that it wasn't an accident and she said something .. but did she expect it to cause problems? Who knows, but I doubt she cared one way or the other.

The other question I have is ... when did she know or when did she suspect? -- In the other blog, I had an entry in which I asked a question. I wondered how much your mom wanted you to live in one of her rental properties. I asked the question because it seemed like you were set on the idea but she was still sending CL posts for places to live or people looking for roommates. I pointed out that perhaps it was finicial, that it made more sense for you to live elsewhere instead of a place they could rent out fully, or perhaps she thought you could use some older female companionship so she was just helping you find that for you, or perhaps she wasn't as sold on the idea of you living there for some other reason. In light of the discovery that your mom knew or suspected something, it brings up another possibility ... she didn't want their rental property turned into a place where you went with me. This all gets into timing, when did she know, what did she know, how does she feel about it, is she angry, sad or indifferent. Regardless, I hope that your mom knowing, whatever she knows, whether you volunteered information to her or she knew it already that your relationship with her isn't hurt, that it doesn't suffer. I know how important your family is to you, how much you want and need your parents approval. I always knew that one word from your mom and I'd be gone. Yes, you loved me, but she came first ... so if it came down to it, that you'd pick her over continueing a relationship with me. Now that things are over with me, I really hope that this worst case scenario hasn't come to pass, that your relationship is hurt because of me .. that I couldn't stand. -- The one thing I do know though ... I know she loves you, I know she only wants the best for you. So even if she is upset, if she down, even if she is distant right now .. it won't last. You're her daughter, she loves you, she loves you more than you could possibly know or understand. Her actions, attitude and distance is only temporary.

Quiet on the subject...

2011-06-20T13:43:00.000-04:00

We're closing in on 2 full days since I asked you about meeting me at Maymont, possibly tomorrow, just so we could talk. As it turns out, tomorrow doesn't work out for me tomorrow now so we would have had to reschedule until next week or later ... so your reply is no longer as time-sensitive. However, given the delay and no reply I have to assume 1 of 3 possibilities. 1) You're still trying to decide 2) You've decided but just haven't replied (which implies a "no" to me) 3) You're going to let not replying be your answer.

In preparation for you just saying "no, I won't meet you", I've already constructed a good chunk of the email I'll send/post as my follow-up. Instead of doing paper-work I stayed up last night writing it out (all isn't lost, if you say "yes" parts of it would work as a draft for what to say as well). Email/blog, you know is not what I want, but with how things have been going it's almost what I expect. -- If you needed more time before meeting that'd be one thing and that I could understand, but you've never given me any indication about anything really ... except for de-friending, then blocking then not commenting on anything I've said/sent/asked, so the smart thing seems to be the proverbial .. hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I'm not going to try to convince you more here to meet, I already sent that email, plus I feel like you know how you're leaning already. I'm also not going to start on the things I want to say, as tempting as it is, b/c starting to mention something here, w/o saying it all just seems like I'm doing it a disservice now and lessening it later ... so once I get your reply on the meet ... I'll finish work on what I feel needs to be said for the correct venue. If I hear nothing by weeks end, I'll just send or post what I have and let that be it. -- There is of course a decent chance you're not looking at and monitoring this blog, but that's ok too .. b/c then I'm not sending you another "what are we doing" type email if you're just simply avoiding any/all contact, so I can't be bothering you more. -- If you are coming here, then that's something that you do on your own and I take it if by coming here you're hoping for some word, some news ... and this time ... you'll be rewarded

(Who knows .. maybe one day I'll either cross-post from the other blog or simply give it's web-address ... I think there's something like 20 posts there.)

525,600 minutes ....

2011-04-03T13:17:00.000-04:00

A year ago today I walked up to a Starbucks and saw someone who took my breath away. Light red hair, slightly curly with a coffee and studying Russian I was hooked from the first second. It had to be a dream. There was no way that I was there to meet her. This girl was out of my league. Under any kind of normal circumstance I'd never have the confidence to walk up and say hi, but today I would because she was there waiting for me. For me? This couldn't be right. She has to have bad teeth, a voice like a pig, the manners of a bull, the personality of a viper. I said hi. We chatted for a minute before she told me to go get something. I went inside almost dancing with glee. She was perfect. Her eyes, I couldn't get them out of my mind. I wanted to tell everyone in line that the angel outside was with me. I kept looking back while I was in there. I couldn't help but look at you. In part because of how you looked, in part because I thought it was a dream and in part because I wanted to make sure you didn't run off. We sat and talked. You had an amazing laugh. You were so smart. You seemed to have everything together. I was so engaged into everything you said and did it wasn't funny. I couldn't believe any of this was real. You never brought up the fact that this was an arrangement. I had kept forgetting that myself, it didn't feel like an arrangement. This felt like someone I wanted to be with. You asked me back to your place to watch the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. You just became even more perfect. Who was this girl and how was I with her? Following you back it was a haze of thoughts running through my head. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I remembered the "come over and fuck me" txt messages you had sent me the night before, before we'd even met. Reading those messages I had thought to myself "she's playing this perfectly" ...I was looking to be wanted, desired ...you started that before the first look into each other's eyes.

We arrived at your place. I was nervous and excited. Was this a friendly visit or did she want more? I didn't know, I didn't care ...I just knew I wanted to spend more time with her. I grabbed a condom..just in case...I didn't want to be the unprepared one, the one to let her down if she had other things in mind. I couldn't bare to be in a situation in which I was anything but exactly what she wanted, when she wanted.

We walked around her place. I loved every second w/ her. We sat outside and talked. Some of it informative, some of it flirting, some slightly sexual. She told me how she liked to come out there and sit, she told me about her roommates, how she liked the dog...when she told me stories about how she'd met a couple of guys for a pseudo 3-some and how she'd been fucked by a guy the night b4 as someone filmed it w/o her knowledge...just the image of being with her most likely left me hard. I could have stayed and talked w/ her all day. I so hoped I was impressing her. I wanted her to like me, to live up to what she wanted, to what she liked. I was so out of my element, she was so much better than me.

We went to watch the movie. The place reminded me so much of college life. The Nintendo wall stickers, using a PS2 as a DVD player...she liked it all and seemed so happy, so "this is my life and I'm ok w/ that" ...I'd already forgotten that I was suppose to be the one in charge. Wasn't this suppose to be me finding a submissive girl, one that would willingly do as I please when I pleased? Why was I not taking over? Why wasn't I controlling and dictating what went on? -- The answer was obvious...the impossible had happened..I'd fallen for her.

During the movie we slowly got closer. I was nervous. I was unsure. How close did you want me? Where were the boundaries? I knew the arrangement. I knew you had asked me here. I knew the txt you sent less than 12 hours before. But things, at least for me, had changed. We touched. You cuddled against me. My hands explored your arms, your neck, your cheek. My lips found yours and my heart nearly stopped. I heard you respond as I nibbled your ears and kissed your neck. We stopped. I didn't push for more despite my body screaming for you. I knew why I was here. We'd just crossed the "are you attracted to me" threshold, I felt her kisses, I heard her breathing ...things should be moving on...so why was I content to just have her in my arms as the movie went on? Why had the "goal" switched from sex to just being with her? When I left that morning...being back at her place ...that was the goal, the plan, what I had hoped for and now it seemed that with a little pushing, a little assertiveness things could end in sex. Instead I'm following her up to the balcony. We sit and talk. I can't keep my eyes off of her. I'm staring. I ask her to dance...well...I offer to teach her a few swing dance moves. She gladly accepts. There's not really enough room for some of the moves. She learns quickly. I want to spin her around, into the "cuddle" position then lean over and kiss her as she's wrapped up in my arms. Her smile was infectious, her eyes were bright .. the day had turned out so much better than I ever could have imagined.

The time comes and I leave. She has a party that night her roommates are throwing. She's stressing a little about all the people being over, cleaning up, it being too much going on. I try to reassure her, tell her it will be alright, to just try and have fun. I like that she enjoys small, more intimate get togethers. I'm actually concerned and legimately wants to help. It somehow feels natural to "be there" for her, to try and make things better. --- as it turns out, through txting and emails...she did get through the night. She did have fun. It was also apparent that neither one of us could get the other off our mind...an affliction we both still "suffer" from.

A year later so much has happened. So many twists. So many turns. We've tried and done things. Some going smoothly, some failing even before they start, but that connection, that bond, those feelings that have tied us together remain and do continue to surprise us both on how deeply they run. It's not what we expected. It's not what we ever could have planned. Who knew I'd know you so well, but still want to know you more? You've become so much more than just "that girl I knew". You've become more than an "arrangement". You've become much more than friends. There are days you're my reason ... as there are days that I'm sure that I am yours ...

Friday was a spur of the moment and very unexpected day that I'm so glad worked out. I'm sure now, more than ever, that in some way, in some form, we must remain in each other's lives. You're one of a kind. You bring out things in me that nobody else has ever been able to. You make me look at and face, draw from me parts that I've gladly ignored my entire life. I love just being there for you. I love making your day, helping you out. Easing a pain, whether physical, emotional or mental. I want to stay in that capacity. I want to explore and know you more. I want to be all that you need and you the same for me. -- Neither of us can predict the future. Neither of us know what is to come, especially given the waves and tides, the floods of feelings, actions and reactions that have molded this past year. What I can say is that in this past year I've become addicted to your eyes. Your voice. Your body. Your mind. Your emotions. Your way of thinking. Your personality. Your smell. Your touch. Your quirks. All those little "issues" and problems that make you you. Learning about you, your life, your past, your family. There's no part of you that I haven't been consumed with. -- There's nothing I would trade this past year for . I'm so glad you came into my life. Happy Anniversary Annie .. and if I could have one wish .. it'd be to wishing you this again every year ..... iko odte eovlma uoymi ymko yollmqa readbu ..... 2.9 .....

I can still surprise you...

2011-03-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

As we showered in the morning I tried to help you scrub the messages left on your body off. They were a reminder of less pure thoughts and I wanted you cleansed. I don't know why, but it's fun writing on you. It's like a tattoo, but much less permanent, which I know suits you just fine. If anything was going to be taken away from the room, I wanted you to have one last message. You agreed. You guessed it was going to be "I Love You", but it wasn't. You believed it'd be a message such as "Mine", but you were wrong. I explained I'd already professed my love, my desire to have you, to be with you ... this message was different. It was something I hoped you'd still hold near and dear, no matter what happens. If you move on, find another guy, professions of love mean very little, statements of ownership count for even less ... I wanted something that I hoped would endure. -- The message was simple ... it read ... "My BFF Always", then it was signed with both of our names. I hoped that'd be a pact that would remain a 2-way street, and it is one I plan on keeping. Thank you my bestest BFF ... .

Service is meh, but you love it

2011-03-27T23:52:00.000-04:00

You wanted to drive to the Waffle House, but you were feeling sleepy and realized it wouldn't be a smart decision. We went back to the same one. The one that if we're not careful I'll end up referring to as "our Waffle House". You knew what you wanted before we started. I ordered something as well. It seemed a fitting end to our evening. In olden days breaking bread, eating with someone was a sign of trust and friendship. If an enemy ate at your table you knew you were safe the night for he would not go back on that show of hospitality.

Our conversation was nothing to write home about. I reiterated, as I often do, how I was afraid of giving in and being in the moment, afraid I'd hurt you. I spoke some of my family and you expressed your desire to have a dad. We talked about personal things, we talked about life in general, your plans for the week and your upcoming singing career with the girls. Your eyes grew heavy so we didn't linger like we might have. I drove home the "long" way, hoping to hit as many lights as possible. I didn't want you to leave my car, afraid you never step foot in it again. I wanted to hold onto you just a little more, but I knew I had to get you home, you had to sleep. You had fulfilled your end of everything I had asked, and now it was my turn to return you as promised ...but at least we both had full stomachs and a greater understanding and appreciation for each other .... or so i imagined ...

Please don't wake up

2011-03-27T14:49:00.000-04:00

My phone kept ringing. People were trying to get a hold of me. A call had come in for work that needed to be done. This was my time with you, I didn't want to answer any of them. I didn't want it infringing in on my time. I didn't want you to get upset with me for being on the phone. You said I should take the calls, that it was ok. You fell asleep so I made the calls.Later you thanked me for letting you sleep, when in reality it is me that should have been thanking you for sleeping through my phone calls.....

The question ....

2011-03-27T09:39:00.000-04:00

What if I did something wrong? What if I did something I was so ashamed of I had kept it from you? In your sleepy state, in your blissful ignorance I knew you'd never remember, you'd never know. What if I whispered not a word? What if I was blowing this out of proportion and it's really nothing? What if I did nothing at all? What if I'm making all of this up?

Pause doesn't mean Stop

2011-03-26T23:29:00.000-04:00

Driving to the Waffle House, we got there way too son. The iPod was on and I listened as you sang. You held my phone as you sang into it, allowing me the rare chance for a recording. I oh so love your voice. I never get tired of hearing it. When you were done I pressed "stop", although on my phone it's really more of a "pause". You began to sing again. I was going to start a new recording, only I realized I didn't need to. I unpaused and let it keep going. You didn't want me to keep recording you, you offered to send me something another time ... but I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by. I defied your will, I let the recording continue. -- When it comes to your voice, I will do what it takes ... but asking me to pass on a chance to relive a moment of happiness in the car is beyond wrong .... and trips like that are the types of memories I hope to hold onto forever

Someone call Elmers

2011-03-26T14:10:00.000-04:00

We laid in bed. You were drifting back to sleep and I knew it. I'd exposed myself to you and I felt beyond vulnerable. The rush of feelings were all colliding, I didn't know what to do anymore. You were drifting to sleep and as my anchor, my hold on things was slipping away. I no longer knew how I felt. I was torn by shame, guilt, remorse. I felt like I should have done more, I should have done less. I was too easy, too hard. I had missed out, I had done only what I could do. Every thought, every action, had an opposite one out there ... I was losing it. I began to feel myself getting frustrated. I needed to act, but how. I wasn't sure. I began to be afraid b/c my body was screaming to do something. It wanted a distraction it needed one, it didn't know how to deal w/ such an influx of emotions, with some being the deep dark personal things I never tell. Instincts began to kick in, I was frustrated. I don't know how I knew, but I had a sudden realization that I could squelch these feelings, I could bring things back into balance if I'd just release the sexual tension that was building with this inner conflict. I felt like you were still hurting, I didn't trust myself with you .. I was fragile, I couldn't predict what I'd do .. so I took matters into my own hands, so to speak. I wanted you to "catch" me. I wanted you to disapprove. I wanted you to approve. I was so confused I needed direction. I always have the answers, always have a plan, but at this time i felt lost. Should I stop? Should I keep going? Should I live out the fantasies of the night before I didn't? You told me you expected me to do more than I did, you partially upset and disappointed I didn't .. should i correct that now? I couldn't make a decision What was right, what was wrong. I was so afraid of making the wrong decision. I began asking what to do. Begging almost. You were in no condition to answer me, you were falling out and falling quickly, your moments of lucidness behind you, apparently the drug has a bounce-back effect.. My repeated replies finally drew your ears, but you had no answer for me. Unsure, but knowing I needed something I went back to the last thing I had tried to do and stopped short of ... I laid behind you, pressed myself against you until release was found. My mind had raced, it had wanted other things, it begged for different action on my part, but i maintained control, I didn't give in, I didn't do as I most wanted. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad b/c that was suppose to be the night of not holding back ... but .. exerting that type of control brought me back. I soon felt more like myself. I drifted off to sleep with you, awoke and began fielding a few work calls. Things were normal again, except for the fact that someone had glued your cheeks together...

What's that instrument? You play it beautifully

2011-03-26T09:58:00.000-04:00

After getting in the room and settling in you started to give the holiday bj. I gave you my request and you were more than willing to honor it. We slipped into the shower together. I was hard, quite hard, from your oral tease just moments ago. You stood there, bent over in front of me as you adjusted the water. I admired the view, seeing your ass up in the air like that, hearing the water pour around us. I hate to admit it took me as long as it did to put the pieces together, but once I did .. I slid forward and entered you. You didn't object. You'd been waiting for that. You were horny, you were likely frustrated, and you knew that part of our time together was suppose to be a sexual fest of just giving in .. and you were determined to let me do just that. I stopped after a while, giving you a break, but you didn't stand up. You stayed there, wordlessly asking for me, and I heard you. Back in I again experienced just how good you felt. You felt amazing. There's something just so primal about fucking you bent over in the shower. I had to stop. It'd been days since my last release, I wasn't wearing anything and it was starting to feel really good. I stopped and you were dismayed. You told me it was ok, that I should go ahead and allow myself to cum, but I wanted to wait. I wanted this first build-up, this first release, to come about as part of the "celebration", for I knew w/ the extended delay, with the teasing, that it'd make things feel all the better. We continued our shower, there was mild teasing as we went along. A few touches here and there ... it was perfect. One thing I can always say about you is ... when it comes to playing up the sex-kitten ... you know how to not disappoint ..

Call me Alice

2011-03-25T23:50:00.000-04:00

I could speculate as to why, but I just love helping you out. I offered to come over and help you get your place together. I know being in a messy place depresses you and makes things worse. If it was possibly going to be my last time there, perhaps I shouldn't have cared, but I did. I wanted to help leave you with something you'd be happy with. I sat on your floor and folded your clothes. It was a really sweet and somewhat bonding time. You sat on your bed and read the blog I had written earlier about having read your anthology. You asked me questions, you were in shock that I read it all.You told me not to go soft on you b/c I had read it. Helping you out was just a nice time, especially since I knew you were enjoying a bit of Starbucks. -- Yes, you gripped that I didn't know how to fold pants, but that's the way I fold mine .. so there's a crease down the front. -- I enjoy sitting there, doing the mundane, routine tasks of life with you. I like knowing that there's something so simple that I can do that has such a big impact on your life and your happiness. Knowing I'm helping you is worth far more than anything you could offer. -- Ok, maybe that's a lie ... if you start offering daily sex/bjs then I'm sorry, that feel good "i helped out" feeling would have just taken a back-seat ... but you get my meaning ... right?

Give me an O! ... O!

2011-03-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

After dinner I wanted you to have a little quality time, a little bit of focus, just on you. This came in two ways ...

First we did a favorite of mine ... you let me massage you. I say "let" like you'd ever turn it down. I love touching you, I love rubbing your body. I need more practice. You commented that the time before was better, I'm glad you thought so. I never heard how I did that night, maybe it wasn't as good. If I thought you'd give me another shot, I'd do some reading on the internet to see what I could learn, in hopes of wow'ing you again.

The other was a bit more carnal .. and by a bit .. I mean .. much more. I kissed your lips, I touched you, I made my way down your body. I found you wet. My lips went to you. My tongue massages and slid across your clit. I tasted you. You wanted it, I could tell how badly you wanted to feel good. You needed for this to work. You had a small orgasm last time, but that had been it for a while. You'd been unable to get yourself off for quite some time, nothing seemed to do the trick. I was determined to do anything I could that night .. I just hoped you wouldn't find yourself overly sensitive, frustrated and unable to achieve release again. -- Like the time before I tried to let you take the lead. Instead of doing what I thought you'd like, I tried to stay mostly in one place, allowing you to move and move me as needed, to the place you most desired. You were oh so very wet. You asked me to buzz, so I complied. I willed myself to not take a breath. I didn't want to stop once you'd moved me to where you wanted. I was torn .. you moved your hips around, it's obviously feeling good. Do I move with you, trying to keep the buzzing on the same place or let you move off/on as you will? I'm afraid I'll chose wrong. I'm afraid you're going to end up in need once again, mad that you can't achieve what once came so easily to you. I didn't have to fear. Before long I heard it. You announced that you were cumming. You came and it seemed to last. I'm not sure who was more glad .. me or you. I wanted to keep going. I wanted you to have another. I wanted to send you over again and again. Let you have one for every one you ever missed ... alas .. it wasn't in the cards. The repeated stimulation felt good, but it soon became too much for and I had to stop. -- I tried twice more with no luck ... once while you were "out" and once in the morning after you woke up. Both times stopping me b/c you were too sore. -- I still feel like I owe you, but ...that's one debt you may not allow me to repay...

Hey Lucid, I'm Home.....

2011-03-25T09:27:00.000-04:00

It was the strangest thing ... how you woke up. It was early .. in the 5 o'clock hour if memory serves. You had been in and out, or at least as it seemed to me. I could never tell how far gone you were. I had let you go a while without taking anything. I had since abandoned trying to do anything because I felt like you were on your way out of your non-responsive state and heading back to the real-world .. only ... I guessed that hours before. You suddenly darted up in bed, awake. You felt rested, lucid .. and you told me so. You immediately went into the last thing you remembered. It was as-if you had been waiting for that exact event, so when it finally happened you had to buzz in or miss your opportunity to move onto the bonus round. In some ways it was good you woke up like that ... it removed any doubt from me whether you were "in" or "out" .. you told me, there could be no argument. -- I will admit, it did make me wonder, for a moment, if perhaps you had been "faking" earlier and you were finally breaking the act by making your grand entrance back onto the stage. -- I've nearly convinced myself that isn't true ...

I'm not a Spice Girl

2011-03-24T23:10:00.000-04:00

Laying in bed, the morning after, close, holding each other, it's hard to tell where one of us begins and the other ends. I've just finished telling all, or at least all that I know. I don't now how you're feeling, what you want, but I think you're dealing w/ a flood of emotions too, unsure as to how to respond, uncertain to know what to do. Your voice breaks the silence .. you offer up a plea ... "What can I do?"

It takes longer for me to summon the words from my throat than it does to come up with the answer. Typically I might ask for something sexual. I might ask for something in the here and now, something that would do me good sooner than later. The nature of things with you has sometimes lead me to focus on the "here" instead of the "later" because I've never known when you might call things off. My mind was not there, not even for a moment. I immediately thought of the same thing I'd been thinking for days .....

I don't want to be ignored. -- Plain and simple, that it is. When I send repeated emails and I hear nothing back, not a single word, not a text, not even an ascii smile, I never know if you've received them or your reaction. This bothers me when it's something I was hoping for feedback on or when I've specifically asked for something back. This pattern of "ignoring" grows more prevalent when you're distancing yourself from me. I understand why you may not wish to respond, but it gives me the impression you don't care. We're suppose to be remaining friends. We're suppose to be friendly ... what I ask is that you treat me as such .... talk to me on occasion, let me in on pieces of your life .. maybe not everything, but some things. Occasionally send me something, unprompted. Send some kind of reply to emails or blogs .. maybe not every time if that seems too much, but don't let several go by, especially when you can tell I'm wanting to hear back. -- I ask that you treat me as though I was a friend. -- More than sex, more than anything else ... I want to remain your friend ... and if you want to "do" anything for me ... grant me your friendship. In the afterglow, or aftermath, of our night together ... that was my hearts desire ....

Life Guard Training

2011-03-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

As I went about my day on Wednesday I had a very real sense of longing, of missing you. As I approached my first customer I found myself at a loss. I was hurting, I felt bad. I'd been thinking about you, about us, all morning and it was really getting to me.I found myself wishing that I could drown in my work. Willing myself to be covered in a sea of tasks that'd so preoccupy me, that they'd so distract me that I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.This is likely the reason why I essentially volunteered for more work that night. I asked to become a line of support for some of the other guys. In some ways it'd make me busier, but that's what I want ... I just hope I don't come to regret that decision ...

Thai Me Up Daddy

2011-03-24T09:27:00.000-04:00

Some things are simply tradition. A pattern that you fall into. Sometimes patterns can be bad. Sometimes they just keep you stuck in a rut. Other times patterns can be good. That's how I view this. -- Tradition holds that when I want to treat you to something nice, as far as eating out ... we hit a Thai place. We bailed on the steak joint and headed to a nearby Thai restaurant. You'd been there before with your mom but said you didn't really remember it. It was nearby, so it fit into plans. It seemed to get good reviews online.

Personally, I didn't think the place disappointed when it came to food quality. It was definitely not big on aesthetics. They made a few small efforts to appear nice, but much in the same way putting a tie on can't cover up shorts, a tshirt and messy hair. Yeah, it's a tie, but it really too little too late. The family nature of the place might have put some off, but there was something mildly provocative about the way you were wearing a cleavage heavy corset to dinner. Yes, it'd been less noticeable at somewhere with a bit more swank, but it certainly made sure you had my complete and undivided attention.

Dinner was definitely one of those highlights of our evening for me. I enjoyed just talking w/ you. There wasn't any major earth shattering conversations. It was just nice, friendly. I got to ask about your singing group. I got to listen to you share. Hearing what you're doing, getting involved in what you're up to honestly makes me happy ... I enjoy so much all the little aspects of your life. I know most aren't sexy, most aren't a thrill a minute, but it's about you and I like that.

I'm not sure you've noticed, but when we're out for Thai I often go for meals that I think you might like. I know I know I know. You tell me to pick what I want, but I'll eat most anything. I like picking something you like. I enjoy it when you reach over and take something off my plate. It's nice ... very ... couple'y. I'm not a sharer when it comes to food. What's on my plate is mine, if you wanted it then you should have ordered it ... but .. I can't tell you the number of times I've ordered something w/ secret hopes that I'd find you wandering over to try what I have ... and this night was no exception. You didn't disappoint .. but then again .. I ordered something with Ginger ... which isn't really playing fair now is it?

When the mirror stares back ...

2011-03-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

I can't say I recognized it at the time, but during the morning-after expression of feelings, I had already put the pieces together.

To back up, the night before, after I realized that I couldn't hurt you .. I found myself in a quandary. I didn't want to "waste" the night, but I knew I couldn't do what you didn't want. I tried on several occasions to fuck you, but either right as I tried to enter or shortly after you'd express a sense of pain so I'd stop.When that happened I stopped. One time I tried to push through it, just ignore it, hoping maybe it was just a reaction. I added some KY to the condom and started again, but soon after your hands were down, acting as it to push me away, or covering yourself due to discomfort. I could have pinned your arms. I could have ignored you. I could have bound you, you weren't struggling that hard. It'd been easy to bend you to my will. I didn't though. I stopped. Most times I stopped and would simply jerk off onto your body. Once I fucked your breasts. Towards the end of the night I slid myself inside of your crotchless panties and rubbed up against you. Once I tried just licking you, seeing if I could give you pleasure, hoping that the discomfort came only from the insertion, but I was wrong, so I stopped.

At the moment I was there, I didn't think too much, I just did. When I saw pain, when I saw discomfort I backed off. I couldn't bring myself to make you hurt when you were letting me know you were uncomfortable. If you'd just been out, if you'd given no sign, I could have. I'd have had deniability. I could have myself that it didn't hurt at the time, you just felt after effects.

I never let myself give in and just ignore the situation. I never tied, bound and gagged you again. Again, I didn't realize it at the time, but I don't think I did because in some ways I was afraid to. I was afraid of giving in and hurting you. Once I had let compassion and my love for you enter in the spell of just doing anything I wanted was gone. The frame of mind of "I will make you sore, then move on and make your ass sore" was no longer a possibility. If I had disassociated again. If I had bound you, If I had gagged you to where you couldn't scream, to where you couldn't let me know that you hurt I don't know how far I would have gone. -- Ok .. reality is, I know I couldn't have hurt you. I had you, I could have and I couldn't. But the fear of "I could" was there. -- The "what if". -- What if I disassociated and entered into the mindset of someone who loved to dominate, someone that wanted to control. What if I decided that your pleasure didn't matter, only my own. What if I decided that you were mine to hurt, use and abuse as I saw fit. What if I began to believe that you should pay for leaving me. What if I began to believe that you should hurt because I hurt. What if I no longer care? What if I did all those things that you didn't want? What if I made you pay? What if I put you on display as a prize, as a whore, as something to be scoffed, jerked on to, good for nothing but a cheap thrill? What if I was mean? What if I no longer treated you like I loved you? -- I couldn't do that. I couldn't get myself back into any mindset that could even have the remote possibility of having that happen. -- I know it wouldn't. I know I couldn't, but the thought of "what if" was enough to keep me satisfied with staying outside of your body and unable to hurt you any more. -- You'd given me all of you. You'd made it so that you were mine. You knew that you were likely to wake up sore, used and violated. But, you were mine, and I wanted to take care of you .. if not ... I'm not sure I could have faced a mirror again

One Loose Strap...

2011-03-23T14:25:00.000-04:00

You'd been fucked, you were sore .. you motioned for me to undo the zip-tie. It was making your wrists sore. I had just cum, I wasn't going to be fucking you again for another couple of minutes so I figured I'd give you a slight reprieve. I saw the imprints on your wrists .. I even photographed them. I had only just begun ... or so I thought ...

Undoing the strap, letting your hands free, I had broken the spell. I can enter into a character's mind. I can become someone else, something else. I can disassociate and make it as if it's acting, a play or a character. Letting your hands free allowed a portion of who I am back in. Maybe that's not true. The fact that I cared enough to undo your hands at all may show that I never left. I was playing out the expectations, the role I had set up, but I let compassion in, for just a moment. I let you free. Before long I was adjusting the straps so your hips didn't hurt from the way you were tied down. Then I was covering your legs because you were cold. Each act of kindness broke the spell more and more, before long I found myself looking for ways to not hurt you at all. I let you sleep for a while, I decided that "it" wasn't going to happen